The trouble with love is

• It can make a person change him/herself willingly for another.

And in most cases, willingness doesn't necessarily means honesty.
I tried it once, it nearly happened. My changes was too shut up more so that people don't see me as nosy, goody-two-shoes, loud, attention seeking bitch. Im fine with that. It was changes for the better. But in the process, i started to lose myself.

Yes, im changing. But not as planned. I must have something wrong when i am questioning myself about my life. Im suppose to know what is happening because I am the one controlling my life. Not Abah, not Mama and definitely not him. They guide, they help along the way, but they don't control. Not suppose to.

• Its a long term commitment.

Of feelings, of love, of interest, of learning and of sacrifice. The simple way of explaining things is I have commitment issues. The long and twisty explaination is Im not ready. I have short attention span, I need to learn what i need to do before actually doing things. Truth is, I need to learn about myself, get to know me and only then I can get to know other people.

• It requires acceptance.

I am complex. Accepting me means accepting my BIG family, my disable brother, my imperfections and everything ugly about me. Especially my mood swings and my temper. I have found someone who did all that. Who accepts, willing to change and already commit himself to me. But i let him go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

19 days since I end it. Since I last saw him, and I finally let go. Truth to be said, its not easy. It never is. No matter the fact I was the one who want it. Calling it quits might be ending it. Tapi letting go, that take time. For a week, i was okay. Living under the perception of others that i was still with him. I don't mind. Don't make it point for everyone to know. Who knows, knows. Who doesn't, don't need to. Up till now I still sleep with that black hoodie. A habit I need to get rid of.

You were once my serendipity.
You were the reason, my fortunate accident
Take care freddy. I wish you well. I want to see you with a brilliant future ahead.