Cerita November

14:46:00

Early november, let me rephrase that.. since October sewaktu aku maseh ada tempat nak whine dan mengada2 dan orang yang terpaksa mendengar akan layankan sahaja, I have been tied up with planning of the class trip. Tak lah susah mana, semua org participate elok je. Tapi masalah tu pada N mostly sbb him as the lecturer, haruslah make effort to help out. Ini lepas tangan. Tapi thank god all end well afterwards. Enjoyed it, had fun, semua okay. Melainkan! I finally got my stress attack after we got back from the trip.

A minor depression.
I stopped talking to everyone, kept to myself, escape alone with different clique and did not cry.
Tu masalah paling besar. Bila marah, I like to confront the person but I cannot do it with friends sebab dah sayang, cared too much. If I got angry, I will cry. Really cry. And I dont like crying. I hate it. Makes me weak. Dan bila nangis teruk2, I will puke. Memang dari kecik macam tu.
Anger-Silence-Crying-Puking.

On 7th Nov, a friday, i went back home to Sungai Buloh. Lari dari masalah. Too stressed with everyone. Friends, assignments, rent money, bill money. So frikkin tired. Bajet nak tidor lah kan dah semak sgt. Tapi tokleh. dah sorang kan, mana nak dapat nyer. So i called him. My comfort zone. Memang dari dulu dia kalau bagi nasihat terbaik! So he helped me out bg advice sume until he dropped the bombshell. He's off the market. Haaa mmg best. Elok hilang stress hal kawan2, stress benda lain pulak.

Aih! Rasa bodoh gila nak depress pasal benda yg tak sepatutnya influence my head, my actions, my studies. Daymn!

Fast forward 20th Nov. Sebab this is the next time i finally make an effort to talk to him. Dah kumpul strenght. And that night we talked. Really talked. Say things that we should have said when we were together. Memang let out betul2.

Cakaplah apa nak cakap. Memang Im fickle minded, memang im uncertain, memang i dont know what i want. Tapi tell me, ingat senang ke nak let go? Korang lagi banyak pernah go through this than I do. I didnt expect this to happen to me. Its frustrating to myself that I can't eat well, losing weight for the wrong reasons. Penat tau tak. Im angry with myself mostly sebab tak reti kontrol life sendiri. Otak ckp xleh, instinct ckp maybe, hati ckp rindu. Semak!

Skarang, on my way to full recovery. Dah tak mual. Boleh makan macam dulu, habis licin sepinggan. Tapi nafsu makan jangan cerita lah! Tu downfall hilang depression nih. Haha. Semua nak sebat. Secretly, im worried this is temporary. I kept thinking this past 4days im okay sebab been too bloody busy that i dont have time to think or if i really am getting better. I hope its the latter. I dont want it to start again. Sangat tak best.

Haritu, I was thinking.. I got to see him. I need to know if i feel all these things because I want him back or because he has someone new, jealousy. I need to know. Tapi skarang dah tak kuat semua benda2 tu. Insyallah boleh je jumpa lepak mcm kawan. Xde nerves2 berbagai.

* * * * *

Lagi satu cerita. Kenapa eh, ramai orang tak percaya that i can lepak with the guy yang dulu i fall reaaalllly hard. Semua akan tanya, "hang okay ke dgn dia?" or "Hani?? lepak dengan ****??? Dia suka balik ke?" Adoyayy!!


Jawapan: Tak! tak suka balik! Kami kawan, memang dari dulu pun. Kenapa kalau laki lepak dengan pompuan je kena ada apa2? Dan kitorang okay je, biasa je. Dulu tu crush. Its a phase.

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1 comments

  1. hahah sian hani. tu la asal laki baek ngn pompuan je mesti nk kecoh.

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