Tonight I want to talk about regrets, but in a positive point of view. I want to talk about the 15 people who made me feel, but not enough to make it happen. I can't name names because as I said, I don't know who is reading Serendipity and anything I write can be used against me. Therefore you're in luck! Its a story, a confession and a quiz. Lets start now!

I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans
At 15, first deep crush was a Pan Asian boy with fluent speech in English, good looks and was a tahfiz. Impressive I'd say. I was twinkling eyes every night telling Abah stories about him. 5 years later, we are only Facebook friends. He moved abroad and is now a DJ. Im just hoping in some way, he never left that tahfiz side of him.

Izinkan - VE
Sweet 16! I aint that sweet with curly bangs that curled up to form devil horns on my head. What's sweet was he thought I was cute. His preference for Chinese looks, sometimes Chinese girls and in my case - me. Its funny to be reminded that sometimes I caught him staring at me. He was weird. So weird that I distance myself from him. 4 years later, he's one of my closest friends. He's still weird but he cleaned up good. Got a great girlfriend too.

Bukan Diriku - Samsons
17 was crucial as I'm in my last year of school and unlike everybody else, my list of boys in my social networking is almost nil. Its expected that I will have no date for prom (as if Im allowed to go). He was a reality TV contestant with voice that melt hearts. I was a stalker then and was crushed when he got himself a 14 y-o girlfriend. Got to know him after school ended and boy was I glad I didn't get myself attached and lost to him. Yerp, lost as in you know. Pervert! 3 years later, he's one of my cousin's close friends. Ironic aint it? I still choose not to be in contact with him.

Officially Missing You - Tamia
Tall, thin, turquoise. That was my first impression. We both just finished SPM and school, its on a holiday trip when I met him. Not the first time though, we've met before but at 12 what's there to feel about? He was cute, but we didn;t instantly connect. It kinda take time. Maybe its meant for us to be platonic. After all, his parents have keen eyes for another. 3 years later, we are still great friends. He's the guy I wouldn't mind going out just the 2 of us. We go on movie dates occasionally, strictly platonic. I think its crossing over to the family line.

Love Today - Grace Kelly
Sometime later during working at PDI after school before uni, I was 18. This one I didnt notice happening. He was a friend! We usually go out by group which included his bestfriend the Sweet Sixteen guy. I didn't know by answering his calls every night means I might be interested in him too. Excuse me, let me rephrase that. I didn't know he was interested! We had a bit of cold shoulder for a while. But it got sorted by time. 2 years later, we're still friends. We still go out in groups together. We are still the ones who are single within the group. Nope, dating him never cross my mind. He's a friend! Have always seen him as nothing more than a friend.

Sayang Sayang - Alif Aziz
First semester in college! End of 2007, that would make me 18. Just turned 18. He was the guy I first noticed during registration (I thought he's gay but that's just me trying to not like him). He is good looking, the definition of tall, dark and handsome. Course of events lead us into the same group during orientation, classmates, same group of friends. Was really close to him that people around us thought we were dating. BUT he's taken since they both were 16. i did liked him. 2 years later, Im still here trying to finish of uni. He's barely there. Turns out he's not my type of guy anyways.

All Apologies - Nirvana
I was 19. Just hit the legal age. The start of it was the start of a lot of things. For one, it was the first time I pull an all-nighter. Sneaked out from dorm, late night movie and lepak until the gate opens the next morning. Liking him, I learned to accept a person pass the physical appearance. I liked him for who he was. I learned about accepting a person despite his ugly side and his past. And best of all I learned that I do have the ability to withhold my attention for solid 6 months. Well, I tried a few time but I always revert. I thought I have short attention span. He's definitely my type but its written we'll not share a path. Im glad I got to know him, you're a great friend. Because I remember your date clearly - 1 year 10 months and 15 days later, he's dating the best girl a guy could have. Take care of this one, she's the one God have been saving for you. Treat her right. I mean it!

Kau - Ello
This guy was just in the passing. I didn't know him well but I can feel him giving his attention to me. The second time we met was at a bazaar, we were helping our friends. When we went to lunch together, he offered his hand when we cross the streets, I pretended not to see it because I was too stunned to react. Then during lunch he carried food for me, offered to feed me some of his. He sent me home that night (I know! Not safe - 2nd time I met him). I did have a thing for a while but Im not sure about guys who treats all girls the same. Maybe he's a gentleman or maybe he's just too friendly with everyone. 1 year and 6 months later, we only contact through Facebook. Sad, I know. Well we were not from the same group of friends to begin with. I can't just barge in and hang out with them.

(Im sorry I dont think I have a song for you)
He's younger and eager and a big flirt. Will shamelessly talk about his marriage to me. God! Such a vain. Im not at all sure if he really likes me. See that's the thing about sweet talkers, you just don' know if he's fooling around or if he really is interested. I try not to care about this one because I seriously hate marriage talk. Face it, please have stability first to talk about marriage with a girl. Any girl. This boy is now studying in another state, he contacts me sometimes asking me out. I'll try not to think about that too. He needs to get into the friend zone first.

Creep - Radiohead
Hello cutie! You are definitely the definition of cute. Through you I learned that cute boys is just a preety face. You're empty for me to hold a conversation with. I like having you around though, you are fun to be with. Now that I know you better I realised that I never really like you. I like you because you're cute. Hahaha I miss hanging out with you. Its hard to see you around now that you've graduated. Stick friends koginavaan! (Kenapa tiba-tiba pakai kata ganti diri kedua? Salah format dah ni!)

Untitled - Maliq & D'Essentials
Uh oh. He's a sweet talker. Older, mature. Respected, well-known. Not available. Friends among friends. The one who got away? Did I mention he's taken? Sigh. I choose not to elaborate but he is the exact reason I should never get involve with a sweet talker. Its hard not to fall even though your conscience is telling no. Hmm, he's away now. In a different country, moving ahead with life =)

Scars - Papa Roach
Im sure you know who you are. And Im sure everyone around me can at least get the second guess correct. I wouldn't write much as you are paranoid of people talking bad about you. Not that I'm going to. And there's a whole post label for you anyways. There's even another blog. I don't mind ever getting to know you. I just regretted not getting to know you enough before. Oh well, past is past right? Lets look forward. Have a nice life! =)

Save Me - Remy Zero
He's another cutiepie who have always been there. I didn't paid much attention to him until we suddenly got closer. Oh wait I think I'll just point out things bout him. Not much thing to say. He's just a minor crush. Couldn't get pass that as he had dated 3 of my friends and currently dating another friend. He's a great help though. And a friend for all. I think he would make a better friend than a boyfriend.

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! The definition of ended before it started. Please refer to posts about Z and matters related to getting dumped, dooped, fooled, gamed, played. I don't know what happen to him. I stopped any contact altogether. May you have a future with the girl you are having a relationship despite I-don't-believe-in-relationships-because-it-will-lead-to-a-break-up. You know, you shouldn't have called me just to play your guitar and sing for me. Of course I think its a serenade!

Witwicky, I dont have a song for you yet. And Im not exactly sure if its going on or moving on. Me and my heart, we got issues. Hahahaha.

Footnote: Song titles may reflect the person's favourite song OR the song I relate to the person OR the song I dedicate to them OR the song that represent the situation. Confusing isn't it?

For 6 months I've waited to see you giving that kind of attention, to confess those words. And 1 year later you finally did. Im just so damn glad it finally happen. Eventhough it's not with me, it happened! I finally get to see that side of you with a girl. And I especially love your choice. Perfect. I like seeing you and her, I can't help smiling ear to ear when you both are next to each other.

You guys are like oil and milk, so out of place but some how there's just something that clicked. Maybe its your attraction towards her, maybe its her shyness. I like being on the other side glancing at things that happen between you.

I feel like a mother looking out at her children. Hahahahahahaha loser tapi betul!
This time around, good luck good luck! =)

Description of my feelings now.
Memang xleh buat apa.
I just told his bestfriend 2 days ago.
Seriously, wasn't planning too. But this guy, Mr.Bestfriend...he has a way of getting into ur deepest secret.
And so, i told him everything. About why i like the guy, how i came to like the guy, why i wait, and everything. No names were mentioned at first but hey, he's one of a kind. Not hard to guess. At all! Especially for his bestfriend.

Each time i tell someone new about these feelings i have, it started again. I like him again, i started back from scratch again. And that night, i know that i put a little hope. I may say i never hope for him to come but waiting for him itself is hoping. Hoping for things that may never happen. Haish, Mr.Bestfriend, u give me hope.

He actually gave words that i didnt expect to come from him. He said he will be happy if him and i were to be together and he would pray for us to end up together. Dear god, imagine my feelings? Sungguh terharu. He told me not to give up, and all i can say is, tak perlu bagitau...memang tak boleh pun.

If any of you can find me another guy just like him i will be shocked. Cari dalam seribu pun belum tentu ada. Kalau ada, chances i'll fall for that person too.

I confess, i dont want a boyfriend. I just want him.

Give me some time. I have made my decision. And this time im going to go through with it. Execute the plan. With help from friends. I am withdrawing my feelings from him, for real but still continue being friends. I like hanging out with him, being friends with him. So why should I stop doing what i enjoy just so i can move on from my feelings? Its a crush. A phase that everyone goes through. And i have always known its never going to happen between me and him. Hey, u cant force who u accidentally like. And i cant force to stop someone i like too. But now, im certain i can move on. I should and i must. For myself.

Knowing the whole story helps too. An eye-opener. A girl liked him when he doesnt and after all those years he started liking her. Maybe longer. I wouldnt mind if its going to be her. She's cute, she's fun and i would definitely go for her too if im a guy. She 'discovered' him first. And yes, they would be great together.

I've got my closure. I can move on.

Giving up. Letting go slowly. Tomorrow marks the 3rd month but I think im letting all hopes lose. Penat lah. As more people got to know bout it, the more i feel bored with the situations. More and more friends know about it now. Some have been really supportive that it surprises me. I didn't think the person i want to hide it the most from, can be the most supportive. His best friend, my closest male friend. He even suggested for us to go out on a double date. Funny!

I tried giving up not a while ago. For 2 weeks i didn't see him, didn't talk to him. No text messages, no YM, nothing. And a friend may developed an interest towards him too. So yeah, i wanted to give up then. Didn't check if his car was parked in front of my place as it usually is, didn't care, wasn't expecting and then...i saw him.

Back from his class, with his friends. And as usual he started his car to go out to eat. But that day, he waited. For all of us to go together. It seems like i need to really give up on him to finally get him. Who knows that might happen. And who knows, something else might happen also. After all, anything can happen in a month.

And so, the cute looking one didn't stay long. Let me rephrase that, i didn't stay long. I end up still holding on to him. 2 months and 10 days. That long. I wont deny, i've had days that i wanted to give up on waiting, partly because I didn't exactly try. partly because i don't think he is worth trying. But hey, anyone that manages to keep me interested must be something. Something great.

He makes me laugh, every time. Comfortable and secure, maybe. Im thoroughly confuse. I dont know what I want. I really do like him, but I don't think im ready for a relationship. I dont want to be in a relationship. Im perfectly happy in the position I am now. When the guys offer me a ride to eat, i went along. Wherever they go, i go. No restriction from anyone. No one romantically linked, no interference, no problems. Easy.

Easy? Maybe not. Boys will be boys. And I am still a girl among the boys. When one of them finds out, the rest follows. Mentioning it on the table is a norm, teasing me about it until i blush is a game. Keeping it cool is impossible for me. Even if i put on a straight face, i blush 3 shades of red. And that didnt help. In the end, why bother to deny it? They already know long before but they never guessed its me. As for him, he knows. I've told him.

Its been 2days since i told him i like him. And we are? Still strictly platonic. Much to my preference. I have a theory on myself. I fall easily, and i fall hard. Just as easy as i fall for someone, its even easier for me to fall out on him. According to my friend Elle, its the chase. We go for the chase, we are allowed to like the guy but as soon as he knows, we'll lose interest. And....that didn't happen this time.

I have liked this person for 3months. Give or take. Which is a record for myself, and a shock too. I didn't realise i have the ability to sustain my likeness towards him that long. Especially since he looks nothing like what i prefer which is Chinese looking, or act like a boyfriend material AND he refuse to speak English! Great isn't it? And still, i fall for him.

Somehow, even after i told him i like him, i still like him. but i don't give hope because i think i have always known that we cant be more than friends who hang out in a group. Believe me, we've tried. At least i tried, we cant carry a conversation between ourselves. We just cant. Nothing verbal comes out, we will be doing our own things, no connection, no chemistry.

Thank god for the other cute looking one! Who i got to know through him because they're classmates. Talk about being greedy! Well, as i have always said keep options open and if it happens, it happens!