I have this exact image printed and pasted on my office cubicle panel. Right next to me. As a constant reminder to be baik. So far I'm able to live according to the suggestions and feel proud that I managed to tick many from the liste.

I am having problem with number 9, trying really hard with number 20 and have no control with number 1.

Just thought of sharing this with my readers - if I still have any. Do things that make you feel good, once you get that inner peace, everything else just comes to you.

For me, alhamdulillah. I really have to thank Allah. Of late, I felt that apa I nak, semua dapat. What ever I asked for, I get it. I now see that by being appreciative, things become easier for me.

How do I put it? Maybe when I was younger, I asked for too much and had no patience. Now, because I learned to let go, to not expect too much, apa yang dapat I terima dan syukur.

And I have to share something. I am a believer of sedekah. Have always been but recently, got strengthen even more. I read a story about someone who felt that his 10k salary never being enough compared to his previous salary which was so much lesser. His solution? To make sure he gives out 10% of his salary monthly as sedekah. The problem never occurred again. There's always money, alhamdulillah.

My story. After reading that, I thought OK maybe I should give out more. Every time I visit my brother's grave I will allocate some amount for the donation box. The advice given was, give out the bigger amount and not your loose change. So that day, I gave the biggest note I had.

Alhamdulillah, to this day I still have cash for daily usage. Usually at the end of the month my wallet will be dried out already. This month I'm doing quite fine. And that is inclusive of travelling. MasyaAllah.

I am still striving to be better. I hope I can give more in future insyAllah in return I will benefit more.

How do one find time to write? Seriously?

I used to write all the time. When I'm happy for the little freedom that young girl had, I'd blog about it.When I'm sad to the verge of depression, I'd blog about it. Little little things, I will write almost everything that happened to me here.

How come I don't do it any more? I don't like growing up. You have to think ahead. Just when you thought you're comfortable, you thought....THIS IS IT! - nope, it's not. That restlessness comes in. You found a void that you never knew existed.

I was working late for almost 2 months for an exhibition. And when it's over, I felt empty. I know some of it was the withdrawal syndrome. But it was worse. I was unhappy. When an exhibition is over, and you meet all the targets, you're supposed to feel a sense of accomplishment.

I didn't.

I considered a career change. I toy with the idea of teaching.

Last weekend on the way to Kuantan, I brought up the issue to my parents. In return, they took me to a long, emotional conversation served with humble pie. Mama seems OK with the idea but she wanted me to pursue my Masters first. Personally, I don't think I have the energy, interest, fund nor patience to even start that journey. In future, I don't know. I've told myself if I'm not married by 30 then I'll start studying again. Who knows? Right now, I don't see me moving that side.

I know, how can I teach if I don't have my Masters? Apparently I am qualified to teach Diploma course. So that's a backup plan already. To be a full-time lecturer then I must get my Masters.

Right. My father was not as supportive.

He started with, "Why leave when you are doing something you like? They pay you well, there's a lot of perks and the company treats you well. You get things others dream of having. You made us proud. We can proudly tell other people of what you do, where you've been to, where you're going next.

Don't think I don't know you were depressed after high school. Your friends were abroad, going everywhere. And you are a sales girl. Now look where you are. We are happy, knowing you are happy with what you do."

And that did it for me. Bring on the waterworks.

True. All he said is true. But..... I am now 26. I work late, I hardly see my parents and brother. I get homesick though I live with them. Some friends check on available dates with my calendar for their weddings. I am not yet married but as it is I'm becoming one of those relative you only hear their names and never see them much. I am worried.

Not many people understand why I think this way. I'm young, I'm supposed to make money. I don't have relationship commitments bla bla bla.

I do have relationship commitments - they're my family. In future - my own family and his. I have survived without money but I don't think I can without the people around me.

It's 1 am. I ought to be sleeping.
But I accidentally just started browsing photos from my travels.
I MISS KOREA!!!

I miss speaking in broken Korean and people actually understand and respond accordingly. I miss saying sentences with yo in the end. Here we only got lah. It doesn't work if I say lapar-yo.

I miss their food. Spicy but boleh tahan. Air sejuk free in all restaurants despite it being winter. Awesome street snacks. Rindunya!

Just found out that my cousin uploaded a lot of pictures from Mama & Abah's wedding and also from our personal collection. Mostly of me. Look at this small, delicate, premature baby. And watch what happens.

  

AND HERE COMES THE MICHELIN BABY!!

There's also some of me with my sister from another mother, Ya.

These ones are of my brother and I. 

P/s: Please excuse the helmet hair. Heh!

I think I am ready to talk about a few things I've kept hidden from people. See, I'm not the sort who keeps things from people I'm close to. I'm not secretive, but I'm not exactly a blurter too. I like to share myself to people so that in return they will open up and share themselves too. Its not to make myself vulnerable but to narrow the existing gap.

Back in 2010 after diploma ended, my parents and I planned to send me to New Zealand for my degree. I've always wanted to go back to New Zealand and coming back as a student will be a great opportunity. But after consultation, we agreed that NZ is not the best option. So we applied to Monash and UniSA in Australia instead. The former in Gippsland near Melbourne and the latter in Adelaide. (I had to check my offer letter because I forgot where I was offered. FAIL!) And I got accepted to both! Alhamdulillah.

After credit exemptions from my diploma, Monash offered me 1.5 years of studies for Bachelor of Arts (Professional Communication) with annual fees of AUD 21,000. While UniSA offered 2 years for their Bachelor of Arts (Communication and Media) programme with annual fee of ...... Since Monash is better ranked, we opted to go to Monash.

Money doesn't come easy for us. Because of that, I applied for the intake in February 2011 instead of going for the July 2010 intake (I graduated diploma on May 2010). We thought that we can buy time and try getting scholarships or study loan to fund my studies. Lets face it, the fees is already expensive as it is. And currently AUD $1 is equivalent to RM3.50, which made it even more expensive. Furthermore, there's not many organization that's willing to give out scholarships for programmes abroad. What more in the Communication field. Eventhough the source is limited, I did try. We tried. I applied for Maxis, Khazanah and MAHB. I didn't get the chance to apply from Astro though because it was not open. Still is not open.

My offer expires on 31st May. Its already 9th May. And I didn't get any good feedbacks. So I guess this is it. Surprisingly for something I really wanted for the past 1 year, I'm not crushed. I don't feel sad at all. Im feeling alright. I know there must be something that Allah has replace it with. I got a good guess of what those things are, but I'm not sure if my guesses is right. But where I am right now, I feel that my guesses is right. They give me the right feeling, right vibes, they're just right.

I told Mama and Kak Ngah, if I am able to go to Australia for my degree then my studies shall stop at that level. I'll focus on work and building a family next. But if the opportunity is not there, then I'll try it again at Masters level. I guess Allah wants me to work harder, to try harder. And so shall it be.

There's a lot of family members who are rooting for me to fly off. So many of them who share my happiness when the chance arises, so many who were proud with the news, so many who put hopes on me. I regret that all that can no longer be expectations of any. But I'm so glad that I'll be around. I will be here for gatherings, for Hari Raya, for family days, for birthdays, for weekends in Semenyih with Toto and Neni, for Feed Me Weekends with cousins who mostly are marrying off. For weddings, for Adik, for Abah and Mama, for makan-makan, for Ramadhan in Malaysia, and for people who want me around. I'm thankful that I can and will be able to join in. Not just see it get updated on Twitter or FB.

As for my other family, my friends... I'll still be around. USM was actually my Plan B. A place I will fall back to if the OZ plan did not fall through. So now, USM is my only plan. And I only have a year left there so I shall persevere the heat and the stress! The only 3 person I actually told about leaving for Australia was Yonkey, Tangsue, and Lii Jing. Yonkey seems fine with it. As for Tangsue and Lii Jing, they both got teary-eyed. And I was too. Because I didn't expect them to care for me THAT much. And because I am emotional. Seriously, I cry almost everyday from watching TV adverts, scenes from reality shows, and from reading. Parah weh!

Anyway! Penang is different after a year being there. I use to say I like the place, but hated the people there. I wanted to leave, I really hated it! But Alhamdulillah, I finally found people I am at ease with. Friends I greatly appreciate for being there for me, for sharing, for putting up with me, for trying to understand me, for adapting to me. Thank you Yonkey, Tangsue, Grobe, Diamond, Mini, Lii Jing, Kimi, KIKI, Mas, Awek, Cip, Syafiq, Pumpum, Ciara, Muncheekins, Ain and Fly. Oh! And Dr. Shu and Dr. Zailan and Dr. Hazlina. For giving me hope that not all lecturers are uptight and old fashion. InsyaAllah I will not have to go through what nearly killed my faith on friendship in Unisel. I have high hopes for my 'race-less' friends. =)

Wanting to go to Australia was a really big deal. But I didn't set high hopes. I taught myself not to expect to much. In love and in life. Being a realist, I take into consideration of everything. Such as the RM 16k I owe PTPTN, the nearly RM 100k needed for 2 years there (that we can't afford), my grandaunts and granduncles yang dah tak sihat sangat dah, my expanding family that I don't want to miss out on, and other things yang tak perlu mention. The point is, I need to be here. No matter how much I want to be in Australia, its not written for me. Not right now. And yes, I want to be here.

Of late, I ajar diri sendiri untuk see the outcome of something as positive either way. I may not get what I want, but I make sure I am grateful of the outcome. Jangan expect, jangan berharap, bila kita tak beria-ria kita tak sakit. Dan kita bersyukur dengan apa-apa yang jadi. 

Macam dengan he-who-I-really-liked-but-can't-seem-to-attract, tak menjadi. Tak apa, Alhamdulillah. Mungkin bukan dia.

Macam dengan dia-yang seperti-boleh-tapi-rupanya-tidak. Tak apa, Alhamdulillah. Memang bukan dia.

Macam dengan Z yang chipsmore, Tak apa. Belum rezeki. Ehe! (Apasal kau lain sikit?)

Dan khas buat seorang yang sebenarnya memang tak benarkan saya pergi,

Toto, I'm staying. ♥

Hey! I've been on the internet hiatus for 3 days, did anyone actually miss me?
No? Oh well. Can't force the feeling.

I shut myself out from FB, blog, twitter and phone so that I won't keep checking on it expecting someone, anyone to twit/text/write to me. Hilanglah family bonding session macam tu kan? For the past 3 days, my family (the whole extended family) berkampung at Balok Seaview Resort for our 2011 Family Day. We got the whole resort to ourselves, and it does feel as if we are in the same kampung.

On the first day, we welcomed everyone with goodies bag and apples at the registration counter. This year, we were sponsored t-shirts by Ayah Joe for every single person who attended. And there were nearly 200 of us. The first agenda of the weekend is welcoming speech by Bah Alang (my oldest uncle) and lucky draw! Tahun ni punya lucky draw awesome please! There were 87 prizes, including TVs, Blue Ray DVD players, Dr. M's Doctor in the house, Tupperwares and so much more. I won a drill for myself. What I will do with it? God knows!

Later that evening, we had a session of beach rounders. Family tradition. Tapi kali ni main sekejap sangat. Semua orang tak puas. Nak nak lagi ramai cousins, nieces and nephews dah besar. Dulu semua duduk sideline tengok je adults main. Ni diorang pun dah join sekali. 2 team memang besar lah. Ada agaknya 15 orang satu team. Habis 7 round rounders yang tak memuaskan itu (sebab kalah by 1 point), semua terjun kolam. Even Abah mandi kolam. Unsangkarable! Siap main terjunan gaya bebas dengan Abang Ben.

Malam, tahlil and solat berjemaah. I didnt go sebab dah start demam. Melepek dalam bilik. Sehingga lah dinner time. Ingin diberitahu gambar waktu makan langsung takde sebab too busy eating. And I didn't take a lot of pictures sbb too busy doing other things. So ada gambar is from other people punya cameras.

Dan ini gambar paling penting: Family Photo!

Akhirnya! Lepas ke Siam! Remember a while back, I posted emo posts about not ever gonna be allowed to travel on my own? Ironically, the trip I'm not allowed to go was to Hadnyai too. Thank God the second time around I got clearance from ze parents. Oh, I'm not exactly sure of the correct spelling. Is it Hatyai or Hadnyai? Im comfortable with the latter. So Im gonna use that.

My new passport is stamped dah! Yays!

On Friday, Ain picked me up from USM after pre-internship presentation. Not 2 hours after I left Penang, not even halfway to Kedah, I started missing my happy pills. I use to have the strongest attachment to one, now I'm attached to 5! Parah dah. So anyway, lets just fast forward. I slept over at Ain's place. And the next morning...to Hadnyai!

Im sort of malas to fill in the details because that morning was a big blur for me. I had stomachache, I was not excited, it was hot, I was sleepy and I slept through most of the journey. Lets skip details for the first place. Let me tell you something. I went to Thailand, and I shopped at 7Eleven. Melampau kan! Toiletries dorang best! And cheap! And then they stooped at this hypermarket call the Big C, and I got stuck at the toiletries section, AGAIN!

Everytime bas berjalan, I tidur. Everytime they stop, we don't get down. Instead we ate! Ain's mum owns a kedai makan. So that morning she prepared nasi bungkus for us. Sedap gila! tu yang jadinya tak turun bas. Kitorang (Ain, her sister, cousin, Fura and I) makan dan makan. For the first 2 times je lah. Banyak berhenti kot. Kat sempadan, kat imigresen, kat kedai madu yang bosan tu. Dahlah sakit perut.

I cheered up at the second stop, tempat jual makanan kering where we can test all jajan / kudap-kudapan / cikedis for free. Which I did not sebab semua tulisan Siam. Tak faham makan apa kan. Yang pasti, perkara yang menerbitkan senyuman adalah AISKRIM KELAPA sedap MAX! Berlayer-layer okay. First layer pulut, second chuncks of bread, third ice cream, forth buah kabung, and topped of with nuts and pieces of ubi. Om nom nom! 20 bhat, RM2 sahaja! 

Lepastu we went to the mall yang I got stucked buying toiletries.

And then finallyyyyy, sampailah kami ke Klonghae. I think the whole time I was a bit moody because I'm really looking forward to eat. Not shop, but eat. Pastu they place where we are going for food is the last stop because it only opens in the evening. Great innit? There were so many people and all the vendors on the boat are Muslims. So I'm a happy fat kid. Sayangnya masa tak cukup. Tak habis berjalan sepanjang sungai.

Paling best, ada sushi okay! 4 pieces RM2. So its 50sen each! Everything there is 20 baht. Damn syiok! Tom yam sedap. Chicken wings! For drinks, they sell it in gelas tembikar or gelas made from buluh, and we can bring it back! I MUST COME BACK!

Nak blog emo post pulak okay? Dah hujung sem ni, kenapa kerja tak sudah jugak lagi? I still have 4 presentations to prepare. 1 of them is for internship, and another is for Promotional Writing group project which we will present during study week, mind you! And i still have 1 individual assignment to hand in after my presentation. Oh Suhrawardi, you are interesting. But I can't date you anymore. You are exhausting! And I will need to crack my head open to fully understand you.

I must remind myself. STAY AWAY FROM PHILOSOPHERS WITH NAMES THAT STARTS WITH S. I've had Socrates, and now Suhrawardi. Both menyakitkan otak. Im still in love with philosophy though. Can't deny that.

To end this semester, I got 3 eventful outings planned.

• To go to Hadnyai on 9th of April.
• Fake tourist trip to Penang War Museum with my happy pills.
• Nom nom trip with Dr. Shu, my Promotional Writing course lecturer. We sort of offered ourselves in her class when she said she don't know where to take people out when they visit Penang.

What else? I can't wait for exam to finish on 29th April. I will fly back to KL straight, and hope that I will be just in time for ABCB's family day. Oh! Here are some pictures of my first gig after 3 years. 3 tahun! Can you believe it? This is from Rock4Rights at Fort Cornwallis, Penang. Im going to say it here - put it on the record, I am now a fan of Car Crash Hearts and An Honest Mistake.

Now for the emo part. Should God decide that I am able to leave here and be there, I will need to leave on the same night of Abang E's wedding in Kuantan, or the very next day. Because that's the only choice I have. To be able to stay and be there with my family as well as for my big brother. To take this positively, I will have everyone in one place. Sempat jumpa semua. Negatively, I will take away the attention. Perasan much? Okay. Lets say I will be gone on the day after the wedding. Nanti takde orang hantar. Sebab semua kat Kuantan. Hwaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Pastu tak boleh jumpa sampai tahun depan. Dahlah raya sorang-sorang.

OKAY STOP IT! Over thinking already. You've been doing it a lot now a days Farah Hani. Nah pin, pop your own bubble. Eh jap, last nak nag. I want baju kaftan warna lilac to wear on Abang E's wedding! Help?

Its the Chinese New Year holidays! And also our 1 week term break. Pada asalnya plan cuti nak ikut family Semenyih to Tiara Beach Resort, Port Dickson. And at the same time Dieyla/Awek ajak-ajak ayam ikut dia balik Terengganu. Jadi I gamble tanya Abah boleh ke tak. Siap bertekak semua lah kat phone walaupun cuak dan takut jugak sebenarnya nak mintak permission. Tiba-tiba......BOLEH!

Jadi, last Saturday berempat lah kami sekereta memulakan perjalanan ke Terengganu. Awek the driver, Cip the co-pilot, and Ana the paying passenger. I tukang buat bising selama journey tu. We crossed 4 states to get to Terengganu. So I updated my FB status konon-konon macam pergi roadtrip. Padahal lalu je. Penang-Kedah-Perak-Kelantan-Terengganu. Bunyi cam best je kalau dapat roadtrip betul-betul.

The journey from Penang to Kuala Terengganu was 8 hours of breezy, nyaman, dingin, and exciting smooth driving. We were stopped by JPJ once to check license, but the rest of the trip went on smooth. My lodging was at Awek's house. Terima kasih Awek, especially to your family bagi menumpang berhari-hari. Bagi makan nasik free, siap tanpa segan silu aku menambah lagi. Hehehehe

The first day we woke up late sebab qadar tidur. Kepenatan from the journey the day before. Persinggahan pertama adalah di gerai goreng pisang mak Awek! Di mana aku duduk situ dan makan keropok lekor, cekodok, jemput bawang, goreng pisang sampai kenyang. Free pulak tu! Her parents refuse to take any money. Pasni taknak makan dah kalau gi sana. Segan I. Sebab sah-sah aku makan memang bersungguh!

Kucing photogenic kat gerai mak Dieyla

Then we went to Kampung Cina, and found out that the stores along the street are taking part in CNY decorating competition. Since belum semua siap berhias dan hari pun hujan, jadi sekejap je lah kami ke situ.

We came back the next day at daytime for jalan-jalan camwhore session.

And also on the night of the judging by Terengganu MB for the decorating competition. Siap ada perarakan, lion dance, and one of the store actually brought in an orchestra to play songs in front of their store! Meriah gila okay! I'll have to tell all in another post.

Dang! I can't believe tiap-tiap hari kitorang pergi Kampung Cina. And its not big pun. Its just 1 street.

Day 2
Mulalah hari bersiar-siar dan photoshoot di KT. Tempat pilihan adalah Pasar Kedai Payang, Kampung Cina (lagi) dan beberapa tempat makan minum.

Sempat jumpa Ajis lagi! Since he's working for Kosmo Terengganu, mestilah kena jumpa! Tak sangka kawan aku yang paling slacker ni dah jadi trainee reporter. Beratus dah artikel. Bangga tengok kau dah jadi orang Ajis! Biarlah mereka di situ panggil kau dubuk pun.

Oh! On this day I pakai dress tu kan. Mak aih! Mata orang sana, melilau! Mungkin tak kena tempat, atau mungkin terlebih gorjes kot. Ahahahahahahah! Oh well!

Day 3

Hari kami berkelana di Taman Monumen Tamadun Islam. Tapi tak masuk pun. Instead we took the 40 minutes boat ride di Sungai Terengganu. Not bad. Siap ada tour guide explain macam-macam. Masa nak naik tu Awek dengan Cip punya first question, "Kau tak puas lagi ke dah Dondang Sayang kat Putrajaya?" Ehhh tu tempat lain, ni Terengganu. Dah berzaman aku tak datang Tenganu nih!

Best hokay nak photoshoot! Next time nak kena datang balik sebab tak masuk Taman Monumen dengan Muzium Terengganu.

Petang, kami lepak di Pantai Batu Burok. Awek main lelayang. Cip ambil gambar. Dan I, berbaring atas pasir sambil baca buku. Bliss!

Katanya Jumaat, pasar malam sepanjang-panjang beach tu. Mostly gerai bundle. Menetes dengar. Takpelah takde rezeki.

Day 4
Hari terakhir. Sedih meninggalkan kota raya yang menjadi saksi bahawasanya bapaku benarkan aku bercuti dengan kawan-kawan dengan berkat dan keizinan. Eheh! Drama much?

Berangkat lah aku ke stesen bas dihantar Awek dan Cip. Tiba-tiba dikejutkan dengan kemunculan Ajis yang turut sama datang menghantar. Thanks korang!

I really really appreciate this trip. Enjoyed it tremendously! Nanti kita trip tempat lain pulak eh?