I think I am ready to talk about a few things I've kept hidden from people. See, I'm not the sort who keeps things from people I'm close to. I'm not secretive, but I'm not exactly a blurter too. I like to share myself to people so that in return they will open up and share themselves too. Its not to make myself vulnerable but to narrow the existing gap.
Back in 2010 after diploma ended, my parents and I planned to send me to New Zealand for my degree. I've always wanted to go back to New Zealand and coming back as a student will be a great opportunity. But after consultation, we agreed that NZ is not the best option. So we applied to Monash and UniSA in Australia instead. The former in Gippsland near Melbourne and the latter in Adelaide. (I had to check my offer letter because I forgot where I was offered. FAIL!) And I got accepted to both! Alhamdulillah.
After credit exemptions from my diploma, Monash offered me 1.5 years of studies for Bachelor of Arts (Professional Communication) with annual fees of AUD 21,000. While UniSA offered 2 years for their Bachelor of Arts (Communication and Media) programme with annual fee of ...... Since Monash is better ranked, we opted to go to Monash.
Money doesn't come easy for us. Because of that, I applied for the intake in February 2011 instead of going for the July 2010 intake (I graduated diploma on May 2010). We thought that we can buy time and try getting scholarships or study loan to fund my studies. Lets face it, the fees is already expensive as it is. And currently AUD $1 is equivalent to RM3.50, which made it even more expensive. Furthermore, there's not many organization that's willing to give out scholarships for programmes abroad. What more in the Communication field. Eventhough the source is limited, I did try. We tried. I applied for Maxis, Khazanah and MAHB. I didn't get the chance to apply from Astro though because it was not open. Still is not open.
My offer expires on 31st May. Its already 9th May. And I didn't get any good feedbacks. So I guess this is it. Surprisingly for something I really wanted for the past 1 year, I'm not crushed. I don't feel sad at all. Im feeling alright. I know there must be something that Allah has replace it with. I got a good guess of what those things are, but I'm not sure if my guesses is right. But where I am right now, I feel that my guesses is right. They give me the right feeling, right vibes, they're just right.
I told Mama and Kak Ngah, if I am able to go to Australia for my degree then my studies shall stop at that level. I'll focus on work and building a family next. But if the opportunity is not there, then I'll try it again at Masters level. I guess Allah wants me to work harder, to try harder. And so shall it be.
There's a lot of family members who are rooting for me to fly off. So many of them who share my happiness when the chance arises, so many who were proud with the news, so many who put hopes on me. I regret that all that can no longer be expectations of any. But I'm so glad that I'll be around. I will be here for gatherings, for Hari Raya, for family days, for birthdays, for weekends in Semenyih with Toto and Neni, for Feed Me Weekends with cousins who mostly are marrying off. For weddings, for Adik, for Abah and Mama, for makan-makan, for Ramadhan in Malaysia, and for people who want me around. I'm thankful that I can and will be able to join in. Not just see it get updated on Twitter or FB.
As for my other family, my friends... I'll still be around. USM was actually my Plan B. A place I will fall back to if the OZ plan did not fall through. So now, USM is my only plan. And I only have a year left there so I shall persevere the heat and the stress! The only 3 person I actually told about leaving for Australia was Yonkey, Tangsue, and Lii Jing. Yonkey seems fine with it. As for Tangsue and Lii Jing, they both got teary-eyed. And I was too. Because I didn't expect them to care for me THAT much. And because I am emotional. Seriously, I cry almost everyday from watching TV adverts, scenes from reality shows, and from reading. Parah weh!
Anyway! Penang is different after a year being there. I use to say I like the place, but hated the people there. I wanted to leave, I really hated it! But Alhamdulillah, I finally found people I am at ease with. Friends I greatly appreciate for being there for me, for sharing, for putting up with me, for trying to understand me, for adapting to me. Thank you Yonkey, Tangsue, Grobe, Diamond, Mini, Lii Jing, Kimi, KIKI, Mas, Awek, Cip, Syafiq, Pumpum, Ciara, Muncheekins, Ain and Fly. Oh! And Dr. Shu and Dr. Zailan and Dr. Hazlina. For giving me hope that not all lecturers are uptight and old fashion. InsyaAllah I will not have to go through what nearly killed my faith on friendship in Unisel. I have high hopes for my 'race-less' friends. =)
Wanting to go to Australia was a really big deal. But I didn't set high hopes. I taught myself not to expect to much. In love and in life. Being a realist, I take into consideration of everything. Such as the RM 16k I owe PTPTN, the nearly RM 100k needed for 2 years there (that we can't afford), my grandaunts and granduncles yang dah tak sihat sangat dah, my expanding family that I don't want to miss out on, and other things yang tak perlu mention. The point is, I need to be here. No matter how much I want to be in Australia, its not written for me. Not right now. And yes, I want to be here.
Of late, I ajar diri sendiri untuk see the outcome of something as positive either way. I may not get what I want, but I make sure I am grateful of the outcome. Jangan expect, jangan berharap, bila kita tak beria-ria kita tak sakit. Dan kita bersyukur dengan apa-apa yang jadi.
Macam dengan he-who-I-really-liked-but-can't-seem-to-attract, tak menjadi. Tak apa, Alhamdulillah. Mungkin bukan dia.
Macam dengan dia-yang seperti-boleh-tapi-rupanya-tidak. Tak apa, Alhamdulillah. Memang bukan dia.
Macam dengan Z yang chipsmore, Tak apa. Belum rezeki. Ehe! (Apasal kau lain sikit?)
Dan khas buat seorang yang sebenarnya memang tak benarkan saya pergi,
Toto, I'm staying. ♥
