I haven't been blogging because I simply do not have the time and the wants to share my life here anymore. In order to ignite the passion, and to practice my rusty writing skills I thought I would write this.

What have I been up to since 2019?

The year started with a trip in my favourite country, Korea. My kampung away from home. That was a blast. And a proper holiday and the last one I will have in a while since we purchased a house!

Yup, we got a place in Kuantan for Mama and Abah to have a place called home. So after almost 11 years of us renting in Keramat, we finally moved to Kuantan officially in August 2020. This is a whole another story. 

I ended the year with a yoga #Tigapuluhani birthday party for 30 of my closest friends, this time making time to celebrate with a lot of people instead of travelling like I usually do. I also sent out 300 postcards for friends and family members. Something to remember me by, and of gratitude to all of them who made me who I am.

2020 the roundup

hmmm we had a normal January & February until all hell break lose in March. For the first time ever, a nationwide scratch that, a worldwide total lockdown was enforced where no one is allowed to leave their houses for own safety due to the COVID-19 outbreak.

This was hell because many people do not know how to handle this forced lifestyle change, become stressed and made other people stress. This situation was homewrecking for some, and it was hard but people learn to adapt.

Everything went virtual. You name it, classes, work, meetings, conferences, parties, weddings, conversations, all went online. People cook, made dalgona coffee, sharpen their ID skills, collect and nurture plants. Some celebrities made daily live shows for their social media followers. I had 7 to 12 fishies as my home office colleagues. 

Things were OK at first. It was bearable. But the first lockdown went on for 3 months. Business were affected. Income lost. People struggled. Many people lost their jobs. 

Me? I developed anxiety. Have had many attacks, lived with sweaty palms, constant worry and palpitations. Sleeping patterns worsen. I cry all the time.

Spent Ramadhan and Aidilfitri just the 3 of us (and next door). By August, my parents moved out from the KL home and have shifted to Kuantan permanently. Initially it was alright. I learned how to be on my own.

End of 2020, I resumed my birthday trip but I couldn't travel so I used the opportunity to be home in Beserah. Thus the #BeserahBirthdayTrip!

You just gotta make full use of what you have -resource, opportunity, availability. Which I definitely did. Every chance I get to Work From Home long term, I go back to Kuantan and stay there for a couple of months. 

2021 so far.....

• I started the year with a virtual conference we handled. Cray crayyy.
• And then I got a kitten! I named her Sukma and then I got another kitten I named Atma.
• Nana got married. Imran got married. These 2 got married when majlis were allowed to happen so sempatlah merasa human interaction.
• Spent Ramadhan in KL, without my parents but managed to spent it with various household Im welcomed to. Theres always a seat for me in Semenyih, Sering Ukay, Cyberjaya, Abg Ayis & Kak Lisha’s, Ya’s and of course Mummy’s.
• Got through half of Ramadhan with plans laid out for iftar until cross district travel is put to halt again.
• Spent raya in KL without my parents. It was a virtual raya round 2!
• Got my first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine. Had most of the side effects

• The cyber security project I was working on since 2018 finally happened after 3 postponement.
• Definitely lost myself. Struggled so much with despair. Anxiety heightens. Just trying to keep it together, professionally.
• Virtual raya haji. Went to get second dose of vaccination - was down for a week after that.

• Had a few close cousins infected by COVID-19. 
• Returned home, made decision to change lifestyle & routine because this way of life is not cutting it for me. I'm demotivated, lethargic all the time, I cry too much, get affected so easily. I'm just done.

That's where we are at so far. I’m now on a quest to find myself again. To look for things that will bring joy to me. Not something Im good at. But things I can be good at, that I will enjoy working hard for. Im up for a new adventure. It will not be easy, Im willing to go thorough it. 

InsyaAllah semoga dipermudahkan.

I always thought when someone turns 30 they would be settled. Financially, career, with a family. Well, Im turning 30 and I dont see myself near that. All those things I imagined......far-fetched!

One of the things I’ve always planned in my head is to be married before Im 30. Mana nak tahu rupanya as you get older, you get to know people, things happened, shit happens, then your whole outlook on matrimony can change too.

If you ask me 5 years ago, I would still be receptive to the idea of getting married. Planning for a wedding, arranging seats for my VIPs - Adik & the Elders of ABCB. I have all the visuals in my head.

Everyone will be seated on chairs facing the dais, and my brother will be in the front row on his wheelchair. We’ll have Toto & Neni, Tok Wel & Tok Yah, Aki De & Wan De, Tok Teh, Mamalang & Bahalang, Pak Long & Mak Long. Important people as frontliners.

That was the dream lah. Adik passed on 5 years ago, 3 days after Tok Wel. Aki De left is in 2016. All the grand aunts are not as healthy as they used to be. That dream remains a dream.

Other things contribute to me not wanting to pursue this anymore. I dont see marriage as an accomplishment, dont see it as a need. Im at a good place. A really good place and I dont want someone to waltz in being a burden.

I dont want to gamble on commitment and loyalty. Blind faith, Im not prepared for it.
Im getting more and more difficult. Even for myself.

Okay 30, how do I prepare myself?

Can you tell me

How can one miss what she's never had

How could I reminisce when there is no past

How could I have memories of being happy with you

Could someone tell me how can this be

How could my mind pull up incidents

- Almost, Tamia 

I hope this will not take years for me to get over. Historically, it does. Maybe this time it wont?

Here, my hateful playlist. I am actually a happy person. Let me get this out of my system first ok.

I have decided.

I'm 27, it's time I do things for myself. No more trying to please people around me. Try to jaga hati a lot of people.

I have made progress. I learn to cut of toxic relationship. I untangle myself from unworthy friendships and I stopped making efforts to those who dont deserve my time.

So for the most part, I managed.

Only this bit right here. Which I have been holding on for the past 2 years. 2 damn years.

And the progress is so slow, the tortoise AND the rabbit both crossed the finishing line already.

I don't have time anymore. I want to commit but not to someone who is unsure. I have made it known, and still no decision anywhere.

Neither here nor there.

I got it wrong all this while. I can't cut you off,  you're never there for me to cut off.

I should cut myself off.

That's it.

In efforts to fix myself, remove negativity, eliminate toxic people - I've become a recluse. I noticed I didn't like it much because I am so not an introvert. I loveeeeeee being around people, big crowds. But it's necessary. Change is necessary, change can be good. This change specifically is for the good.

So ennui and lethargy has been my constant companion recently. The only remedy for me is my huge family. They're my happy pills, my positive injection. I have friends around me who have been helping too. Just by being around, they don't know how much they mean to me. Really.

My constant reminder to myself right now is just to be good. To do good. Let go. Some things are not meant to stay. There's a silver lining why I don't get what I want right now. Maybe it's the time - not yet. Maybe I'm not ready - emotionally, financially. Forget physicality - never made much impact.

Give chance to yourself. To be the best version of yourself. InsyaAllah. Sometimes I hate that I turn to Allah only when I am at my lowest point. But I read somewhere that maybe the difficulties are sent to you as a reminder, of how much He is missing you and want you to remember Him too.

Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka begitu bertuah dalam ramai-ramai, masih ada ruang untuk dipilih.

Terima kasih. Thank you. I give myself to you. As I've always belonged to you. And I hope I will always remember that. Don't let me go please.

I'll make You my #relationshipgoals :)

I am the type of person who writes whenever I need to cope with sadness. i used to blog all the time. And then it was on Facebook status, responses were immediate. i didnt like it much. I moved to Twitter - the messages get dilluted by others' faster. But that means it gets small amount of readership. Maybe none, people will just scroll it up.

And then theres Instagram. Where people collect likes and try to outdo each other with photographs. Giving impression that life is all rainbows and unicorns tapi sebenarnya kuda padi je.

Nevertheless, I am one of those people too. For years I've been all positive in my Instagram. Until recently when major things happened. I started jotting my thoughts and upload it as pictures rather than writing it on the caption. I started with #AStoryADay and now shifted to #MidnightMicroblogging

Lets face it, like many Malaysian - my followers dont read too. They click like because photos are pretty, girls are hot, abs, overpriced food etc etc. Thus the reason I will not participate in collecting likes. If I do, my social experiment will be a major failure.

Thats it. 

To more things to look forward to in 2016.

Happiness,

Quality time,

People to love.

InsyaAllah.

I never meant for Serendipity to be depressing.

But thats all Ive been.

And every time I feel bad - I put it into writing.

I dont know when or how it happened, 

but Ive lost my drive.

The drive to want, to aspire, to strive.

The drive to be open, to make effort, to allow.

Ive lost my dream. 

I forgot my aim. 

Im simply, there.

Im lost.

I feel forgotten.

Im in despair.

Im still hopeful.

I just wish to always remember

The desire 

To laugh

To love

To live

Ultimately

To remember my life

This was meant to be a 1 para FB post - after I saw photos and read news of Tunku Jalil's passing. But then feelings flooded in. When youre alone and exhausted, steer away from nostalgia and sadness. Its a black hole.

"When you have experienced great lost, you become vulnerable. I cry watching other people coping with lost. Its like I am reliving mine 😢

I never questioned why I never got the chance to be in attendance when my brother passed, because I know God is giving me the chance to overcome grief.

For He knows there would not be any strenght left in me had I been present. I left him, I said goodbye.

As selfish it may be, I was the one who went away. He didnt leave me.

In loving memories and painful heartache, I miss you Adik."

Self pick me up. Could use a #glassofhope right now. Tapi xde so I will share what my friends shared with me.

Buat baik pun orang kata fake. Baik sangat orang kata ada niat lain. Naluri manusia.

Bila orang benci, orang dengki. Jangan hirau.

Orang tak nampak apa yang Tuhan tarik untuk dapat benda2 baik.

Kalau buruk pada diri, ambil iktibar. Cuba ubah. Kalau buruk pada hati, itu naluri. Tetap boleh ubah.

Kalau ramai orang suka pun you tetap takkan happy. Jadi sentiasa jadi diri sendiri.

8.07am, London. 3.07pm, Malaysia. 17 September 2015.

Yes, I am in London. A few days after the passing of my brother. Actually, I was on the plane when he passed. I boarded the plane at 9.50am, 13 September 2015. Adik passed away not too long after that. At 10.30am. It's like he let me go first. He knows I will turn back if I found out.

My parents did not tell me too. I guess they knew too. I would just decide to not continue with this London trip. Something they have wanted for me more than I want for myself. I remember Abah telling me once, "I want so many things for you but I cannot afford it. Look where you are now, so many people are giving you opportunities, things I only imagined for you."

I don't blame them.

To let your daughter leave, and to see your son go. On the same day, at the same time.
It's okay Mama, Abah. One of us will come home to you. And the other will wait for you.

Adik, I had a hard week but when I heard you were rushed to the hospital, my blood drained. I went to see you, I broke down a few times watching you. But never in front of Mama. She was very vulnerable, she lost her uncle the day before. I'm sorry I did not spend the night accompanying you in the emergency ward.

On Saturday, I only managed to come see you after midnight. So selfish of me. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was the last time for us to spend together. It hurt me to leave you Adik. I don't know why but that night when I talked to you, I asked for your forgiveness. For not spending more time with you. For not taking care of you. For leaving you. And I asked you to wait for me to come home to you.

But you will not be there waiting for me like you always do.

How I wish for once last hug and kiss. I'm trying to be strong Adik. I am doing fine because I am grieving alone. Maybe this is Allah's plan for us. For me to remember you being alive the last time I saw you.

Al Fatihah. I hope I will be granted chance to be in heaven with you. Thank you for waiting for Mama and Abah, I've always been thankful you secured their place there, I'll come see you when I am allowed to.

InsyaAllah.

How do I cope?

I have not seen or feel the difference. So how do I cope? I've not known it.

Its already weird when you are the one receiving condolence messages.

I am not home, so I do not know how I am coping.

Al Fatihah. Zamil Fahmi bin Ahmad Fahmi, 23 November 1992 - 13 September 2015.

Trying so hard to hold on to what's left of the strenght I have. Forcing myself to not allow it eating me up. How can something I was so eager to start, be the same reason I feel stuck in a rut?

Never stay in a bad relationship they say. What should I do then? Simply leave? After years of build up?

It used to be so enjoyable. It was fun. I wanted to spend a lot of time, most of my time. If felt like a reward.

Now its just a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong uneventful routine. Its no longer exciting. Where is the rush?

I must learn to let go. If it is in another place I can find that little spark to begin again, then I shall go. A traveller should always wander. An explorer will always find wonder.

Its time to dream for that relationship of a writer, a photographer and their mutual love for travelling with each other.

I actually spent 4 hours to update and beautify Serendipity with new blog template and layout today. 4 hours! Should've done a bit of work. A lot actually.

Tengok-tengok it scrolls on its own to the bottom. Pffft. Penat usaha I selama 4 jam. Buat blog cantik pastu tak tulis apa2 tak guna jugak kan. So ni lah satu post selepas jam 12.

If a post is written after 12, highest possibility is for it to be an emo, straight from the heart kinda post.

Someone I know resigned from her job and when I asked, she said its because she doesn't know what she wants. She said if she doesnt leave, she will always be wondering what else can she do out there.

I know where she's coming from. After all this is only my second job. I wonder too. Can I do something else. Will I be a good teacher? Is what I have enough for advancement at another place? Should I (re)consider career change?

Thing is, I like what Im doing. 3 years in, less of the lovin'. I do not have a target when I started but Alhamdulillah Im progressing very well in this company. I only started setting my target after a year of service. I was loving and enjoying everything about the job. Until I realised, I love it too much. I didnt mind staying late to work. I surprised myself.

That was when I decided. Once Im married, I have to leave. I need to find another option. I cannot choose work over family. I must not spend life not living.

InsyaAllah. I hope that day will come. Not because I cant wait to leave. But for me to be hopeful that one day I will find somebody so important, Im willing to sacrifice a huge chunk of my life.

Sekarang ni what I want in life for myself - the company helps me achieve. Job satisfaction, good pay, nice people, opportunity to travel, makan sedap, free karaoke, parti tak liar and career advancement.

Tapi fitrah manusia kan. Somehow the grass is always greener on the other side.

How do one find time to write? Seriously?

I used to write all the time. When I'm happy for the little freedom that young girl had, I'd blog about it.When I'm sad to the verge of depression, I'd blog about it. Little little things, I will write almost everything that happened to me here.

How come I don't do it any more? I don't like growing up. You have to think ahead. Just when you thought you're comfortable, you thought....THIS IS IT! - nope, it's not. That restlessness comes in. You found a void that you never knew existed.

I was working late for almost 2 months for an exhibition. And when it's over, I felt empty. I know some of it was the withdrawal syndrome. But it was worse. I was unhappy. When an exhibition is over, and you meet all the targets, you're supposed to feel a sense of accomplishment.

I didn't.

I considered a career change. I toy with the idea of teaching.

Last weekend on the way to Kuantan, I brought up the issue to my parents. In return, they took me to a long, emotional conversation served with humble pie. Mama seems OK with the idea but she wanted me to pursue my Masters first. Personally, I don't think I have the energy, interest, fund nor patience to even start that journey. In future, I don't know. I've told myself if I'm not married by 30 then I'll start studying again. Who knows? Right now, I don't see me moving that side.

I know, how can I teach if I don't have my Masters? Apparently I am qualified to teach Diploma course. So that's a backup plan already. To be a full-time lecturer then I must get my Masters.

Right. My father was not as supportive.

He started with, "Why leave when you are doing something you like? They pay you well, there's a lot of perks and the company treats you well. You get things others dream of having. You made us proud. We can proudly tell other people of what you do, where you've been to, where you're going next.

Don't think I don't know you were depressed after high school. Your friends were abroad, going everywhere. And you are a sales girl. Now look where you are. We are happy, knowing you are happy with what you do."

And that did it for me. Bring on the waterworks.

True. All he said is true. But..... I am now 26. I work late, I hardly see my parents and brother. I get homesick though I live with them. Some friends check on available dates with my calendar for their weddings. I am not yet married but as it is I'm becoming one of those relative you only hear their names and never see them much. I am worried.

Not many people understand why I think this way. I'm young, I'm supposed to make money. I don't have relationship commitments bla bla bla.

I do have relationship commitments - they're my family. In future - my own family and his. I have survived without money but I don't think I can without the people around me.

Another wunderbar word from the Germans who brought us wanderlust.

For the past few months Ive been praising God and giving thanks for all He has given me. This stretch of luck Ive been blessed with, no one knows how grateful I feel. No one.

Growing up, all i wanted was to travel. I have had my opportunities but it doesnt come often. I opted to study abroad to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I didnt get the chance to do that either because Allah has better plans for me.

THIS was his plan. In the span of 4 months, I've been to 4 countries. And 3 of it for free. I dont know what luck came to me but this rezeki, I cherish. Alhamdulillah.

I thought Japan would be the last one for me until I renew my passport for the next one maybe in the end of the year. Manalah tahu tiba2 bos called and ask "can you come to Abu Dhabi with me?"

I was on MC due to swollen eardrums, but I heard that right the first time and yes of course I can and will make sure Im well enough to go.

So I made my way to UTC for passport renewal and as I flip the pages, I feel a bit sentimental. Not because I had all the pages filled but because the passport went many places, except the 2 countries it was meant for.

I had it renewed in 2010 to prepare myself for my long years studying in Australia and New Zealand. We all know I stayed on in Penang instead. But look where I am going now??

I uploaded this caption on my instagram the day I got my passport renewed. And not one day I dont feel thankful where the road has taken me. No matter how un-enjoyable the trip was. When the opportunity comes, grab it! And make the most of it.

As for my sehnsucht, I do feel it. When travel bug bites. On the nights I arrive home. When Im back but had no one to come back to. Im aware of my longing, but not to what its for or what I think Im yearning for. C'est la vie.

Alhamdulillah. Syukur.

For having positive, wonderful, amazing people in my life who rub off their awesome persona to me.

For being loved by people you dont expect and to return the same feeling.

To be surrounded by kind people is lucky. To be surrounded by kind people who love you and care of you and willing to do so much for you is just......blessed.

Allah, each time I am blessed by your gifts - I wonder what I had done right. I must have done something right to be deserving the whole lot.

I thank you for each of them that you bring into my life and appreciate all that they have done. Please bless them more than you have blessed me.

Because they, remind me of you.

Have you ever felt so scared that the only emotion you managed to transfer out is just anger?

Have you ever thought that you're only being strong because there's no time for you to be vulnerable?

Have you ever feel so tired of being independent and dependable that you just want to let go?

I was born a daughter, raised a son. Born to my parents but raised by many. Its unfair. To receive so much and not living to expectation.

I try. To give back as much as I can. But sometimes, people forgot Im still just a girl. And I too get tired.

Assalammualaikum God, I thank you for what you had given me this week. This that doesnt come to me often but I truly appreciate. Both of it.

For one, I come to terms that I may not get it every month but Alhamdulillah. It does come more often now than before. I appreciate the fact that I still am a woman. Though with flaws.

Secondly, for the opportunity to be with people I have loved all my life and who loves me all these while, even when I dont feel I deserve to be loved. If You by any chance is creating more reason for me to love, I openly and eagerly accept. InsyaAllah.

I borrowed this. Some strike straight to the heart.

Jika tiada rezeki anak,
mungkin diberikan rezeki mertua yang baik.
Maka kita lebih bahagia dari anak yang liar.

Jika tiada rezeki wang ringgit,
mungkin diberikan rezeki kesihatan.
Maka kita lebih bahagia dari kerisauan menjaga harta dunia.

Jika tiada rezeki kereta mewah,
mungkin diberikan rezeki kenderaan yang jarang menimbulkan masalah.
Maka kita lebih bahagia dari membayar kerosakan yang mahal.

Jika tiada rezeki rumah yang besar,
mungkin diberikan rezeki makanan yang tidak pernah putus.
Maka kita lebih bahagia dari si gelandangan.

Jika tiada rezeki pasangan yang cantik,
mungkin diberikan rezeki pasangan yang baik dan pandai menguruskan rumahtangga.
Maka kita lebih bahagia kerana hidup berteman dan terjaga segala.

Jika tiada rezeki jodoh,
mungkin diberikan rezeki umur ibu bapa yang panjang.
Maka kita lebih bahagia dapat berbakti sepenuhnya pada orang tua.

Jika tiada rezeki hari ini,
mungkin ada rezeki yang lebih baik pada esok hari.
Maka kita lebih bahagia kerana rezeki yang tidak dijangka.

Probably Allah has saved a better guy for you. Kita tak tau. Maybe you'll meet him next year, maybe in ten years, maybe twenty, but eventually you will. In the mean time Allah spoils you with rezeki in another form yang orang lain tak dapat. You quit your job, senang dapat kerja lain. Your career is progressing. Some people can't get a job at all.