The trouble with love is

19:09:00

  • It can make a person change him/herself willingly for another.
And in most cases, willingness doesn't necessarily means honesty.
I tried it once, it nearly happened. My changes was too shut up more so that people don't see me as nosy, goody-two-shoes, loud, attention seeking bitch. Im fine with that. It was changes for the better. But in the process, i started to lose myself.

Yes, im changing. But not as planned. I must have something wrong when i am questioning myself about my life. Im suppose to know what is happening because I am the one controlling my life. Not Abah, not Mama and definitely not him. They guide, they help along the way, but they don't control. Not suppose to.

  • Its a long term commitment.
Of feelings, of love, of interest, of learning and of sacrifice. The simple way of explaining things is I have commitment issues. The long and twisty explaination is Im not ready. I have short attention span, I need to learn what i need to do before actually doing things. Truth is, I need to learn about myself, get to know me and only then I can get to know other people.

  • It requires acceptance.
I am complex. Accepting me means accepting my BIG family, my disable brother, my imperfections and everything ugly about me. Especially my mood swings and my temper. I have found someone who did all that. Who accepts, willing to change and already commit himself to me. But i let him go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

19 days since I end it. Since I last saw him, and I finally let go. Truth to be said, its not easy. It never is. No matter the fact I was the one who want it. Calling it quits might be ending it. Tapi letting go, that take time. For a week, i was okay. Living under the perception of others that i was still with him. I don't mind. Don't make it point for everyone to know. Who knows, knows. Who doesn't, don't need to. Up till now I still sleep with that black hoodie. A habit I need to get rid of.

You were once my serendipity.
You were the reason, my fortunate accident
Take care freddy. I wish you well. I want to see you with a brilliant future ahead.

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2 comments

  1. You know sweetie, yr dad is right. Parents, too, have no right to control yr life...they only try, (with fingers crossed) to influence you, without wanting you realising it, to the way their hearts desired and wished upon you.

    Take good care.
    ParentAlternate

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for your thoughts, it meant a lot. really appreciate it.

    taking in what others say about the matter kinda streghten my point of view about it. thanks

    ReplyDelete

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