Semalam YM dengan seorang rakan, antara butir bicara;

Him: Blog kau lawak!
Me: Yang mana?
Him: Semua.
Me: Lawak? Aku rasa aku byk emo je. Apsal lawak pulak?
Him: Kau ni bukan nya emo sebnanye. Kau nak perhatian.
Me: Betul.

Walaupun statement dia buat I feel defensive, but there is a point in what he said. Its true and i dont argue. Blogging means expressing or delivering message in writings. I write because I want to release my stress, to make points, to voice out opinions. Regardless I dont have that much reader or sometimes when Im angry towards anybody and my postings is not delivered, I love my blog! And damn right I love blogging!

Aku tak reti buat lagu, nak strumming kat gitar kalau aku emo.
Tak pandai tulis lirik berbahasa kiasan nak puaskan diri.
Tak buang tension dengan smoking separuh nyawa.
Jadi ni lah tempat I feel comfortable to let out. Kalau bercerita kat orang pun, bukan semua orang larat nak layan.

Lumrah manusia, bila bermasalah mesti cari cara nak tenangkan diri.
Ada yang pergi bersendirian kat tempat yang mendamaikan.
Ada yang busykan diri dengan aktiviti.
Ini cara aku. And i believe this is how i cry for attention too.

Dan lagi satu cara, balik kepada tikar sejadah.

Zamil Fahmi bin Ahmad Fahmi
16 years old
Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy Quadreplegia
Whole body paralysed
Permanent head damage

1. Zamil ni teramat lasak. Nama je xleh berjalan, tapi dia berpusing tu ligat.
2. Extra sensitive hearing. Benda yg tak kuat langsung pun dia terkejut.
3. Maybe otak dia x bole function well, tapi dia berakal. Tau je asal kitorang nk keluar. Sure bising menjerit-jerit.
4. Dia recognise orang, tempat, songs. Ada sense of familiarity and memory lah.
5. Adik layan lagu Hujan. Serious!
6. He doesn't eat solid food. So kalau apa-apa makanan kene blend or mash dulu. Contoh mcm KFC ke spaghetti ke, sume kasi lenyek dulu.
7. Kuku dia cepat panjang, jeles aku!
8. Rambut dia pun! Ni mesti sebab kalsium dlm susu.
9. Tak susah jaga dia. Kene sabar je.
10. Antara orang paling senang nak jaga. Lagi senang dari budak2 normal. Takde kerenah.
11. Baru-baru ni kuat marah. Xtau asal, ade je nak melenting. Jangkit stress aku kot?
12. Sangat-sangat manja. Especially dengan Mama.
13. Kalau tido, dia berbunyi paling kuat. Hehe.. Bukan berkeruh tapi breathing dia.
    
14. Kulit putih halus, bulu mata panjang-lentik, tinggi, rambut wavy curl. Kalau normal memang hotstuff habes. Ahahahaha!
    
15. Adik sangat susah berak. Kengkadang sampai 14hari. Sembelit. Time tu memang seksa tengok dia. Kesian. Sehari semalam nak clearkan perut. Bila dah settle dia sangat exhausted.
16. Dulu adik duduk kat kpg dengan makcik aku, kat Pahang. Kitorang x rapat. Aku tak paham dia. Ni dah serumah dah sama-sama, aku adapt. Belajar nak handle dia sbb nanti pun memang tanggungjawab aku.
17. Acceptance. he's a part of me.
    
18. Walaupun tak nampak tapi sebenarnya aku protective dengan Adik.
    

Aku jarang blog pasal adik aku kan? Sampai nampak macam aku ni tak kesah langsung. Macam xde adik-beradik lain. Tapi itulah orang yang paling aku sayang dalam dunia. Dia sorang je adik-beradik aku. Orang yang boleh buat aku bergaduh dengan Abah. Abah kengkadang tangankan jugak adik sebab lasak sgt, just nak mengajar. Tapi aku tak suka. Kuat ke perlahan ke, aku memang cukup pantang. Time tu lah antara time aku masuk list anak derhaka sebab tinggikan suara. Aih. Adik bukannya faham. Entah-entah sakit pun dia taktau.

4 hari lepas birthday dia, he turned 16 on 23rd Nov.
Disebabkan tengah exam kat S.Alam, call je lah nyanyikan birthday song. Selalu kalau dengar lagu tu excited kemain, tapi aritu gelak kecil je. Aku pulak yang down. Heh!

Aku nmpk mcm tak kesah, tak amik peduli bersebab. Aku x boleh terlalu fikirkan sangat sebab too emotionally attach. Dengan adik, senang sangat nak jadi vulnerable. Nangis bersepah? Tu perkara biasa. Aggresive behaviour? Lagi normal.

Remember i wrote kat Girl Fest the female organiser tegur asking if i worked at PDI?
And a while back kat RockOMania pun ada another girl asked the same thing?

SAME GIRL!

Nama dia Petung. Vocalist Regime tuuuh.
Baru noticed sebab was reading her blog.
Tengok pictures dulu rambut straight, ni rambut dah curly.
Mana nak tauuu!

Haha over-excited. Tu je nk tulis. Jemm!

Rupanya tak habis lagi cerita aku ass kissing lecturer.
Okay di sini ingin dinyatakan bahawa tak pernah wujud pun sesi kipas buntut N. Atau mana-mana lecturer lain.
Kalau korang tak suka dan menyampah dengan dia, aku pun sama.
Nak pulak aku yang directly been working with him for past project.

Speak up kalau nak recognition. Kata mass comm. Everybody is entitled to say what is on their mind. Anip, gila2 dia dalam kelas tunjuk rebel side of him. Itu cara dia express x suka in anything.
Ramzi main-main mengusik selalu dengan lecturer, tapi thats his way of communicating. Yang lain, nak lecturer notice..bukak lah mulut. Kalau dok macam tunggul, rupa mcm tak paham tapi tanak tanya pastu bengang kat aku, bukan salah aku!

Please lah korang. Stop making up stories. I dont have my ways with lecturers. Aku sama je. Usaha nak grades and pointers elok. Usaha nak siapkan asgmnt. Usaha nak faham apa aku blajar. Tinggal lagi aku ni mulut ringan nak voice out opinions.

Dan aku jugak mulut ringan nak lepas cakap. Tak buat betul2 je lagi.
Stress!!! Ini ditulis waktu marah so i dont give a damn. Its my space.

Thank god dah start cuti. For the first time since i started studying, Im looking forward for a long break. Hopefully things will be a lot better next year. Insyallah!

Early november, let me rephrase that.. since October sewaktu aku maseh ada tempat nak whine dan mengada2 dan orang yang terpaksa mendengar akan layankan sahaja, I have been tied up with planning of the class trip. Tak lah susah mana, semua org participate elok je. Tapi masalah tu pada N mostly sbb him as the lecturer, haruslah make effort to help out. Ini lepas tangan. Tapi thank god all end well afterwards. Enjoyed it, had fun, semua okay. Melainkan! I finally got my stress attack after we got back from the trip.

A minor depression.
I stopped talking to everyone, kept to myself, escape alone with different clique and did not cry.
Tu masalah paling besar. Bila marah, I like to confront the person but I cannot do it with friends sebab dah sayang, cared too much. If I got angry, I will cry. Really cry. And I dont like crying. I hate it. Makes me weak. Dan bila nangis teruk2, I will puke. Memang dari kecik macam tu.
Anger-Silence-Crying-Puking.

On 7th Nov, a friday, i went back home to Sungai Buloh. Lari dari masalah. Too stressed with everyone. Friends, assignments, rent money, bill money. So frikkin tired. Bajet nak tidor lah kan dah semak sgt. Tapi tokleh. dah sorang kan, mana nak dapat nyer. So i called him. My comfort zone. Memang dari dulu dia kalau bagi nasihat terbaik! So he helped me out bg advice sume until he dropped the bombshell. He's off the market. Haaa mmg best. Elok hilang stress hal kawan2, stress benda lain pulak.

Aih! Rasa bodoh gila nak depress pasal benda yg tak sepatutnya influence my head, my actions, my studies. Daymn!

Fast forward 20th Nov. Sebab this is the next time i finally make an effort to talk to him. Dah kumpul strenght. And that night we talked. Really talked. Say things that we should have said when we were together. Memang let out betul2.

Cakaplah apa nak cakap. Memang Im fickle minded, memang im uncertain, memang i dont know what i want. Tapi tell me, ingat senang ke nak let go? Korang lagi banyak pernah go through this than I do. I didnt expect this to happen to me. Its frustrating to myself that I can't eat well, losing weight for the wrong reasons. Penat tau tak. Im angry with myself mostly sebab tak reti kontrol life sendiri. Otak ckp xleh, instinct ckp maybe, hati ckp rindu. Semak!

Skarang, on my way to full recovery. Dah tak mual. Boleh makan macam dulu, habis licin sepinggan. Tapi nafsu makan jangan cerita lah! Tu downfall hilang depression nih. Haha. Semua nak sebat. Secretly, im worried this is temporary. I kept thinking this past 4days im okay sebab been too bloody busy that i dont have time to think or if i really am getting better. I hope its the latter. I dont want it to start again. Sangat tak best.

Haritu, I was thinking.. I got to see him. I need to know if i feel all these things because I want him back or because he has someone new, jealousy. I need to know. Tapi skarang dah tak kuat semua benda2 tu. Insyallah boleh je jumpa lepak mcm kawan. Xde nerves2 berbagai.

* * * * *

Lagi satu cerita. Kenapa eh, ramai orang tak percaya that i can lepak with the guy yang dulu i fall reaaalllly hard. Semua akan tanya, "hang okay ke dgn dia?" or "Hani?? lepak dengan ****??? Dia suka balik ke?" Adoyayy!!


Jawapan: Tak! tak suka balik! Kami kawan, memang dari dulu pun. Kenapa kalau laki lepak dengan pompuan je kena ada apa2? Dan kitorang okay je, biasa je. Dulu tu crush. Its a phase.

Tengah packed dan xdak mood nak menulis. Nothing to write pun.
Sebab if i write, x guna. I myself tak sure what Im feeling. Sengal!
Ni tengah buat presentation Psycho sebnanye. Rasa cm jd psycho dah.
Anyways, enjoy! These are captured by Sara and Adly.

Team Amazing Race Asia 4

* Rupanya x published. Ada kat draft, so harini baru dpt publishkan.

* * * * *

Hello on Tuesday noon! Finally dapat long sleep after a few days bersengkang mata. Penat doh! Hari Jumaat balik S.A. malam cramp kepala study psycho. Gila btol! Dahlah Sabtu 2 paper. Pagi- psycho, petang- Digital Photo. Nasib baik paper psycho yg agak susah itu dapat dijawab. And digital photo was frikkin easy. Anip and I left so early that we have time to eat at Sunway.

Sabtu, 22nd Nov

Semangat! Anip, Eikha, Ya and I ke Sunway on Saturday sebab Anip nak makan vegetarian food. Luckily, the rest of us found an Indon franchise store called BASO next door. The co-owner of the store is Syarifah Zarina, the singer. I had Nasi Ireng apetah. Which is black pepper beef rice served in keropok. Sedap! Ya and Eikha ordered bakso which was super sedap. Beefball dia rasa lembu! If u get what i mean. Best! Broth pun sangat enak. And Anip had Kung Pow chicken rice. Tu pun best. Sebab the vegetarian fake chicken tasted like real chicken.

Then, secara randomnya, Anip ajak tengok Quarantine at Sunway Pyramid. Gila apa? Aku dengan x siap asgmnt lagi. Dahlah xdak duit. So tak pergi lagipun Eikha nak study. Went back around 6. Sampai S.A. Punat called. Ajak lepak sebab his gf, Kak Eca came. So cute. Kecik gila. Jadi dengan rasa tak puas hati sebab baru balik, dead exhausted, tak tido, kerja x siap, dipaksa kuar. Aih.

Lepak dekat2 je, dengan Yana, Pija, Andre and them. Then blk for Maghrib. Kemudian setelah berehat seketika, lepas pukul 10 horror bermula. I stayed up buat video pasal suicide which makes me feel suicidal until the next morning. Layan pulak lagu2 suicdal kan. Creep, Bohemian Rhapsody, Suicidal Dream, Stan, Suicidal Solution, Last Resort, You Know You're Right, Act of Depression. Reasearch tu!

Ahad, Nov 23rd

Presentation pukul 10 tp dtg pukul 11 dengan kerja halfway done. Thank god kat kelas AP tlg convert video. Baru masyuk presentation sumbat video Jeremy by Pearl Jam. Gila sejuk tangan menunggu video nk save and presented. Anything can happen. Kalau jadik tu mmg selamat tinggal beb laaa. Finally dah settle semua, balik rumah tidoq! Kejap je pun sbb nk kuar dengan Ashley. She gave me cuppacakes from Wondermilk for pressie. Sangat yummy!! Patut org sgt suka. I love the cheese cream topping. Nyum!

Malam sambung tidur sebab dah tak larat sangat. Lagipun RTW je kan, nak study apa je? KO sampai next morning.

Isnin, Nov 24th

Pagi exam RTW tu, sakit perut macam ape je. Dewan x bukak lagi. Xleh jadik pergi melunaskan hajat dulu. Then masuk dewan bajet dah lambat. Lari2 skipping sebab nak seat best. Sekali tersangkut sweater kat meja belakang, Aaarrrkk! Spontaneous shriek! Habis satu dewan yang senyap dengar. Jemmm! Memalukan betul.

Paling senang la paper kaann! Sume benda is clearly stated tp since i dont understand meaning of the terms, agak susah lah. But then, the second part is writing. My area. Settle cepat. Kuar awal lagi dengan Anip. Tapi x ke mana2 sebab my purse and phone is with Ya. And we both sakit perut berak2. Jadi balik tidoq!

Petang bantai tengok DVD back-to-back 4 movies dengan Phia. Malam Pakchaq msg ajak lepak Sani. Kuar dgn Phia skali. Sara dengan Mimie, Yana dengan Kuyeh. Later that night ikut dorang (Chaq, Arie, Anip) jamming. Terbaik lah! Everyday versi punk. Hahaha mood sedikit tak stabil afterwards. Normal lah, feels like sumthing is missing dan Phia mengundang tolong tokok tambah.

Haaaa betul release stress nih. Perabis kasi semua keluar.

Hello hello!!!! =)
Today, im writing as Hani, a 19 year old!
Yay!! Another birthday yang tak di-celebrate.
I went back home sebab dah homesick.
So my birthday was at home with family!

I spent the morning with Liea kat hospital sbb she just had her knee operated.
And the whole day going here and there with Abah. Every stop, i waste my energy trying to clear my stomach. Sumpah penat! Haritu pulak nak kena cirit-birit kan? By 4 dah dead exhausted, and on our way to Shah Alam Sect 26 to check on Adik's wheelchair, i slept the whole way. Sampai Sg.Buloh baru conscious balik. Tapi skejap je. It was raining heavily, memang syiok tidoq!

First, congratulations to Kak Irene for her baby Iskandar. Way past overdue dah wish ni.
Second, Arwen or rather Arwen's mum; gedik gila okay! Kenduri cukur jambul ada gift box with photo on top. Menyampah! Birthday parties nanti sure lagi mengada. Aunty Fa jeles nih!
And finally, thank you soooooooooooooo much!!! For birthday wishes!

Ya, Eikha, Farah/Stella, first of the list.
Millylove, sebab she said she's first so okaylah!
Liea, Ju, Nana, Sara, Phia, Ashley, Aien, thanks sayangs!!
Paden, Payan, Rauf, Ash, rindu korang lah!
Ryhan, Ayed, Dila, Fatin! Unexpected.
Yana and Kuyeh, korang the best song! Hahaha
Family members jutaan thank you! <3

And then others through facebook, baru bukak harini. Thank you, really appreciate it.
Senyum puas!

*Malam ni hopefully takde perang telur, jenuh nak cuci nanti. But knowing Shara..suka buat dajal. Kene buat plan baru nih supaya backfire!

Dan bermandi hujan ketika Asthalin perform di KL Tower. Tak guna btol Kuyeh. Pegang mic okay lg, bukak mulut habis lebat hujan turun. Lama gila tak gi gig! Walaupun dengan Yana je tp enjoy.
Sungguhpun begitu, dapat soalan cepumas dari Daryll. Memang best! Jemm!!
Dan kawan2 dia bersepah. Cuak lah tiap kali. Gig by Vain Music cost me Rm2o. Taktau pun band apa main. Redah aja! Joget2 lompat2 di celah crowd dan yeaaa kakiku telah dipijak. Hahaha. Padan muka.

Kuyeh dan kawannya bernama Joe

Lepak sat, elak mosh pit

The next day tu exam Agama so konon2 melunaskan niat study, kami main quiz dengan Joe and Pae (Marwan's gf). Pae sangat best! Dahlah comel chun, cepat mesra pulak. Sukaaaa!!!

Ni sesi camwhore Yana dengan Kuyeh. Siap main kawen2. Tampo kang! Sebab comel sangat.

Dan yang ini, one of the ugly faces we did while waiting for shuttle service yang tak kunjung tiba. Jadi kami menapak ke car park, damn!

sometimes i just need: my own space

somtimes i want: everything to be a-okay

somtimes i like to: be away from others

sometimes all it takes: is an apology

somtimes i picture: perfectness

sometimes i wish: to be in a different clique

sometimes i find: that i annoy myself

sometimes i take: time off from everyone

sometimes i look: back and regret

sometimes i hate: myself

sometimes it’s nice: to see u in front of me

sometimes it hurts: when you dont care

sometimes it makes me happy: when you're around or near

sometimes it’s sad: to feel alone

sometimes i listen: to hurtful words

sometimes i sleep: with that black sweater

sometimes i like to watch: people

sometimes i feel: down

sometimes i rant: about the same things

sometimes i never: want to hope for you

sometimes i really: want you

When I’m ..

sad, i want: your messages

happy, i need: conscience

mad, i wish: nothing is wrong

overjoyed, i find: myself crying later on

indifferent, i like to: blog about it

content, i never: snap at others

frustrated, all it takes: is to calm down and not puke

Di OU, Flynniversary on Saturday night. Tak melayan sangat flynniversary tu. Just tag along orang yang pergi, then jenjalan kat dalam OU. Release stress seblom exam. Hahahahaha belom pape dah release stress dulu.


Enjoy gak laaa sebab Phia and Sara was frikkin gila on the way back. Hyper habes! Yana je takde. Dan Fadol, terpaksa melayan kegilaan kitorang. On the way pergi, nak emo je 2 org tu sbb bf bagi tak bagi, rindu lah ape lah. Yang Phia dapat jumpa Arie terus sexcited pastu Sara pulak emo tahap nak menitik air mata. Bila dah nak blk S.A. kemain lagi hyper. Aih!

Pergi dengan Ya, Ayaq, Att, Sara, Phia, and Fadol.
Met up with the rest there including Arie and Lily.
Awal2 tanak join sbb org ramai sgt. Tapi afterwards terjebak gak lepak dengan dorang time MUH perform. Puaskan hati sket. Haha!

Oh masa balik! Boleh tak ramai2 lelaki kat sana hentam just 1 guy. They cornered him and literally bashed him. Horror sebab depan mata! I think the guy yg kene pukul tu stole something.

Dan seterusnya, gambar mengisi masa kerana stuck utk keluar carpark.

Dan bakal jadi lebih merepek..

Dah laaa! Dan ye, malam tu mode u guys. Hahaha im a chameleon yaww!

Sumpah best!
Terkejut jumpa her blog but excited at the same time.
When you read what a person write, you get to know the person.
Maybe not all the way tapi itu pun dah cara berkenalan.
I like the way she writes and what she wrote.
Maybe she does have things in common with me.
I never hold anything against her, tak bersebab pun.
And bila position dah sama, I know how she feels.
Why she did what she did.

If you ever read me, i hope you dont mind im reading you.
Maybe we can relate to each other, because I know i do.
Peace! (Haha ironic kan? Peace..hahahaha)

Selepas 10 hari of minor depression which is caused by many different reason dan menyebabkan tak makan (sumpah! hani x mkn! susah nak percaya kan?) makan lah tp slalu tak habis (lagi rare!!!) dan selalu rasa mual nak muntah akibat nerves, im sooooooooo much better!

Assignments dah settle, kawan2 dah okay. Sikit lah.
Dan dia. Kami dah okay! =)

I never blog bout him here, but now im going to.
I dont care about others anymore. Its time i decide for me.
Penat dah fikir orang lain. Nak jaga hati, nak jaga perasaan.
Tak payah! I dont get what i give, so why bother?

Dia dah boleh reply messages balik. Dah boleh borak semula.
Walaupun tak semesra dulu, I take what I can get.
Sebab he makes me happy. Talking to him makes me happy.
Its been so long since last time lepak dengan dia.
Sampaikan nak tegur dia pun jadi cuak, takut, nerves.
Ketaq aih! Risau kalau tegur tapi dapat rejection.
Manalah tau, ada buat salah tapi dia tak mention.
Dia jenis x bukak cerita. Baik org, jahat org, dia simpan sendiri.

Akhirnya lepas sebulan, kami lepak!
Dengan kawan2 dia sekali. Takkan pula berdua. Tak pernah berdua.
Happy!!!! Dah boleh makan balik macam orang normal sebab xde rasa mual.

Khas buat seorang yang aku pernah anggap kawan rapat.

Thanks for showing the value of YOUR friendship.

Which is nothing!

Kalau dari dulu aku tau kau opportunist, tak perlu aku bazir masa tolong kau.

Wey, bila aku buat kawan, aku nk semua perkara tentang kawan aku jadi elok.

Termasuk kau dan kesah cinta kau yg sebenarnya aku rasa hopeless.

Aku sanggup tahankan, dengar, tolong kau, sebab aku fikirkan kau tu kawan aku!

Ko susah, aku ada. Bila time aku susah ada nampak kau?

Lagi susah adalah!

Kau terasa dengan benda2 aku cakap? Tapi kau ada fikir tak benda tu betul ke tak?

Lantak kau lah. Memang susah nak terima cakap orang. 5 orang cakap benda sama dengan 87 cara berbeza pun belum tentu kau accept. Itu hal kau.

Kau tau tak aku terasa bodoh gila sebabkan friendship yg aku valuekan sgt tu..kau tak bercakap dgn aku, aku pergi cari. Aku mintak maaf walaupun aku tak tau salah aku apa. Sekarang aku dah tak pedulikan kau. Lantaklah dengan life kau.

Kau belajar lah mengenal budi sikit. Aku tak pernah berkira dengan kawan2. Tapi kau sampai curik kerja aku just so that kau senang, boleh tunjuk konon kau berusaha utk dapat markah, gred elok. Bangang ke apa kalau usaha kau tu terang2 kerja tangan orang lain? Depan mata kantoi. Aku buta bila dengan kawan2. Tapi aku tak tolol lagi.

Pandai kau lari dari aku kan sekarang? Apasal? Tak berani nak confront aku sebab kau tak faham message panjang aku? Belajar lah wey, itu guna kau kat tempat tu. Bukan nya curik kerja orang lain.

Kenapa orang macam aku, yang sanggup sentiasa mendengar, sanggup tolong kawan2 mana yang termampu, yang lebih pentingkan kawan2 drpd diri sendiri, yang akan jadi teman waktu susah dan senang, susah sangat ada teman waktu susah?

Bila orang susah, aku dengar, aku layankan. Bila aku susah ada pulak orang ambil berat?
Waktu happy sama2 happy. Sekarang waktu happy pun dah tak nampak.
Cakaplah apa nak cakap. I feel unappreciated. For the second time.
'
Milly, awak baliklah cepat.

Sebab ni last week before final exam dan BLOODY HELL assignments menggunung.
Balik Shah Alam hari Selasa atas sebab2 sendiri, dah waste sehari.
Pagi Rabu, meaning today, ada presentation photo essay so petang semalam pegi capture gambo dengan Violet skejap. Kerja tergesa-gesa. Sebelum tu sempat siapkan analysis Visual Comm.
Jadi perkara yang tinggal adalah:

• 3 composition for RTW
• 1 video presentation on suicide for Psychology
• To print photos for Digital Photo
• Berita Terbaru! N bg asgmnt buat tambah beban tadi kat kelas RTW.

Panas beb! Dahlah ada exam hari Sabtu! 2 paper pulak tu. Psycho dgn Visual Comm lagi pula!
Cepaaaaaaaaaatttt cuti! Tak pernah lagi la anticipate cuti sem. Dulu selagi boleh xnk cuti sbb nanti bosan sangat. Tapi since sem ni banyak sgt benda jadi, I need a break.

Aih! Tadi Sara cakap ni last sem budak2 ARUS kat uni. Pasni praktikal 6bln, kot. Jemmm!
Rindu lah nanti!!!! Mereka tu sekelas memeriahkan suasana. Abu, Ken, Andre, Pakchaq, Punat, Mimie, Shamel, Adam, Boy, Fazs, nanti rinduuuuuuuu!!!

Dulu saya pernah cakap, saya tak berani nak letakkan harapan pada seseorang sebab saya takut tak boleh lepaskan dia.
Tapi awak tak tahu, memang apa saya cakap tu betul.

Dulu saya pernah cakap, kalau tak jumpa lama takpa..saya boleh terima.

Tapi awak tak tahu, memang apa saya cakap tu betul.

Dulu awak pernah cakap, awak tak suka perangai childish.
Tapi saya tak tahu, mana yang betul.

Dulu awak pernah cakap, awak bagi saya masa.
Tapi saya tak tahu, mana yang betul.

Dulu saya pernah cakap, saya dah hilang diri.
Tapi saya sendiri tak tahu, memang apa saya cakap tu betul.

Dulu awak pernah tanya, apa sebenarnya yang saya nak.
Tapi saya sendiri tak tahu, jawapan sebenar yang betul.

* * * * *

Sekali lagi awak buat saya dekat dengan Tuhan.

Dulu lepas kenal rapat dengan awak, saya dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan sebab saya nak perkara elok. Saya tak pernah mintak, sebab saya rasa tak layak. Baru nak beramal dah nak mintak macam2. Tapi Dia Maha Mendengar. Walaupun saya tak pernah berdoa lepas solat, dia tetap berikan perkara elok. Dia berikan saya awak.

Macam manusia lain, bila dah dapat.. bersyukur sementara je. Saya masih beramal, tapi culas dah datang kembali. Perkara tu yang paling saya kesalkan. Sekarang awak dah takde, saya rapatkan kembali diri saya dengan Dia. Terima kasih. Terima kasih banyak.

Saya bersyukur jalan saya macam ni.

Apologies are in order. I apologize for behaving like an arse by being moody, cranky, distant, hard-headed, ignorant and frikkin annoying the past week.

Seriously minggu lepas was so stressful. Too stressful in fact. Satu-satu hal timbul. Dahlah yg lama tak settle, tambah lagi satu. Last weekend dapat news tak best. Tak bother sangat. Then Monday, last day of preparations for the trip. Nak pergi beli barang, nak settle hal duit, dan of goz hal bas yang sepatutnya si N handle. Pressure. The trip was okay, smooth running. Cuma I terasa jugaklah kan. Kawan2 ramai. Tapi bila mintak tolong susah sangat. I x mintak benda membebankan pun. Simple stuff je. Nak offer diri memang jauh sekali la. Ikutkan, I pun nak enjoy. Memang it was planned to be enjoyable. Tapi I have others to think about.

Bila balik I was already exhausted. Dengan keadaan panas nyer. Memang tambah panas hati. Hal sewa rumah pulak. Aih.. Hal-hal dalam rumah. Bills.

Korang, you people are the closest I have. My bestfriends, my classmates, my roommates. Lepak pun geng yang sama. Tapi cubalah faham. Tolerate lah. I nak jaga hati semua orang susah, I pun tak perfect, tapi tolonglah each other. I terasa kadang2. Orang lain komplen pasal korang kat I. It makes me feel uneasy. Serba-salah. Kita semua sama2 tak elok, rajin pun tak. Tapi bila dah share macam2, sama2 lah tanggung,

Kalau nak lepas diri, I boleh buat, Memang I buat pun kadang-kadang. I need to escape. Lagi elok I jauhkan diri sekejap, or senyapkan diri daripada I burst out kat any of you. I pun tak suka bila mood swing I macam haram. Terasa nak marah. Rasa annoyed, with everything. Especially myself.

Seriously, sorry. Korang nak bengang dengan I ke apa silakan. I know partly its my fault. Kalau jadi benda2 macam ni..memang both sides salah. Xde nye satu je. Sorry Phia, Sorry Sara. And most of all you, Im sorry Yana. I didn’t mean to burst out like that.

Im sorry.

P/s: I tau korang takkan baca unless ada gambar. Hehehehehe

In an attempt of de-stressing myself, I accept Nana’s invitation to go to Girl Fest at Noisy Studio. Tengok Naz perform with Vermillion. That girl got groove! Dahlah bass lagi besar dari badan.

After picking Ann up, Abah hantar pegi Noisy. Pukul 2.30 sampai sana gig x start lagi. Crowd pun tarak. So lepak minum dulu dengan Ann. Ann is actually Rauf’s (my bestfriend) ex-girlfriend. Tapi we still click! Second time jumpa dia actually. Borak2 of goz topic paling banyak kluar is him. My him and her him. Aih. Dua-dua pun x get over lagi rupanya.

Talking to her, listening to her, complaining to her.. rasa cm reality sinks in. Throughout the whole day, Ann je yang calms me. I was feeling down, dengan nervous, rasa nak muntah. Lengkap lah semua symptoms tu. About 4 nak masuk gig, noticed Shasha, Arie’s sis jaga ticket. Went over to say hi. Betul lah she’s cute. Susah to dislike orang cute. No reason to dislike her pun.

The 1^st band I didn’t catch their name. The 2^nd one is Naz’s band, Vermilion. Layan! Zmart lah dorang. All-girl band. Guitarist pakai tudung pula pun. Lagu core. Snap a few pics tp Naz kept looking the other way. Afterwards, terus keluar ambik angin.
Was I prepared to get the shock for the day? Hell, No!

Lepak luar, meet up with Nana. Finally! Then noticed Kuyeh. Tegur je lah. Sekali, ambik kau! Bersepah kat the side area- where I lepak with him a while back, his friends. Darryl noticed me, so I said hi dan cepat2 move towards Nana and Naz. Tak berapa lama lepak, waaahhh Wawa datang! Effin A’! If the situation is not awkward enough. Nasib baik I got Ann with me.

It wasn’t that awkward seeing Wawa. Lagi nervous seeing the guys tu kot. Masuk dalam balik. Tried enjoying the performance tapi hardcore. Aku layan pulak hardcore kan. Boleh lah. Cuma kepala tengah semak. Dan asek terasa nak muntah.

Aih! Fikir tak habis sebelum datang. Nama pun tempat hardcore. Memang bound to bump into a lot of people la kan. Paling kelakar, before gig starts. a girl with big electrocuted curly hair came to me, wave dengan sgt hyper nyer and asked ‘u keje PDI kan?’ hahaha sumpah kelakar. I think its the organiser kot. Dunia kecik. Second time org tanya. Rock-O-Mania dah sekali.

Hmm tapi rasa pelik pergi gig setelah lama tak pegi, tanpa ditemani kawan laki. Tak pernah lagi lah setakat ni. Afterwards in the car on the way balik rumah, Abah taktau datang angin boleh pulak tune to another station other than Sinar.FM. Elok jugak, xyah dengar lagu2 depressing.

Paling elok lah! Berderet keluar lagu menyakitkan hati. Aku paling benci bila mood tgh low, lagu-lagu yang keluar mesti nak tuju tepat habis. Ironic kan? Memang seronok layan back-to-back Sempurna-Coba-The Reason-Matahariku-Cinta Yang Sempurna-Berhenti Berharap-Siapa Aku. Then kuar lagu Mila. Funky2 sket, Abah pulak terus tukar station. Aih!

Pounding headache. Thinking too much.
Al0ne, tried to sleep. Didn't happen.
Called him, talked. Express. Listen.
Heard, stunned.

And then, start thinking again.
About a whole another thing.
Dah.

Today, looking forward to going out.
Somehow found internet access.
Stalked. Gag reflex.
Not of loath but stunned. Again.

* * * * *

Kenapa jenis fickle minded sgt? Kan senang just stick to the plan to not burden yourself with relationship? Pandai lagi start. Kan skarang dah terjebak. Aih!

Need to find own space. With everyone. If he wants avoid, biarkan. Tak jauh mana pun hilang. Area sama. As for the rest, friends are what it is. Sakit hati pun ya, xde mereka pun xleh. Senang cerita jangan runsing2, semakkan kepala fikirkan org lain. Ada pulak dorang fikirkan pasal ko?

Penatlah. Looking forward for semester break. Break shooting drama. Ha-ha!

Setelah pulang dari Bagan Lalang tadi, pergi makan dengan Andre, Ken and Pija.
Sambil makan dengar news Barrack Obama won!

Ken buat statement 'rosak lah Amerika lepas ni!'
To which my reply was 'Biarlah black president pulak. Berpuluh tahun white president pun memang dah rosak!'

Kan?
Serba-sedikit gambar. Collage terus, senang! Malas nk upload satu2. Dan ya, itu lecturer sy yang sedang tidur. First skali yg lena dlm bas. Jemm!

• It can make a person change him/herself willingly for another.

And in most cases, willingness doesn't necessarily means honesty.
I tried it once, it nearly happened. My changes was too shut up more so that people don't see me as nosy, goody-two-shoes, loud, attention seeking bitch. Im fine with that. It was changes for the better. But in the process, i started to lose myself.

Yes, im changing. But not as planned. I must have something wrong when i am questioning myself about my life. Im suppose to know what is happening because I am the one controlling my life. Not Abah, not Mama and definitely not him. They guide, they help along the way, but they don't control. Not suppose to.

• Its a long term commitment.

Of feelings, of love, of interest, of learning and of sacrifice. The simple way of explaining things is I have commitment issues. The long and twisty explaination is Im not ready. I have short attention span, I need to learn what i need to do before actually doing things. Truth is, I need to learn about myself, get to know me and only then I can get to know other people.

• It requires acceptance.

I am complex. Accepting me means accepting my BIG family, my disable brother, my imperfections and everything ugly about me. Especially my mood swings and my temper. I have found someone who did all that. Who accepts, willing to change and already commit himself to me. But i let him go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

19 days since I end it. Since I last saw him, and I finally let go. Truth to be said, its not easy. It never is. No matter the fact I was the one who want it. Calling it quits might be ending it. Tapi letting go, that take time. For a week, i was okay. Living under the perception of others that i was still with him. I don't mind. Don't make it point for everyone to know. Who knows, knows. Who doesn't, don't need to. Up till now I still sleep with that black hoodie. A habit I need to get rid of.

You were once my serendipity.
You were the reason, my fortunate accident
Take care freddy. I wish you well. I want to see you with a brilliant future ahead.