What are you afraid of?

I don't know how to start. But I'm sure about what I'm going to write. With or without approval, I'm writing bout men, boys, guys, or simply put male. Or rather how they make me feel in the head.

First intro of my side. I'm friendly, talkative, loud, bubbly, say whats on my mind, slumberous, easily said (by others) x berperasaan malu. That is what they said, i don't agree!
Okay anyway, i have not really mix or mingle with boys for the matter until I'm 15. The first guy i ever talk to and gotten close to (outside family) is M. Got to know him through Liea. In a way. We are from the same tuition class, and she talked to him first, so i kinda know him through her. M was a nice guy. He speaks good English, is/was a tahfiz, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, all-rounder nice guy. Easy to converse with. He kinda set a high standard for the other male friends.

After him, i gotten close to my junior in school. A, a year younger. Much more bubblier than i am. Happy-go-luck. Funkayy! We gotten close through phone calls. but all we talk about is craps. Utter nonsense. We do share a lot, this guy gossips too. Like a woman! Talking to him is the easiest. Comfortable. Feels like you can share almost anything. He was my confidant. Miss talking to him.

Ok 2 counts now, 2 guys who i gotten close to and makes me feel comfortable when talking to them. No problems there. Until another guy came into picture. He was SCARY! I shit you not. Met him through tuition too. but this time, weird characteristic. This fella, hes not at all shy, talks to a girl like he is talking to another guy. Harsh! I didn't like the way he talked, i didn't like the way he approached me, i didn't like the way he spoke to me. I spent most of my time trying not to catch his glance, or avoiding him. Finally, i quit tuition. 1 because i hate the way we learn there. Its not as effective anymore. And second, to keep away from him.

Confession, I am afraid of men. I always have second thoughts bout them. Doesn't matter. Young,old. Gay,straight. Friend or foe. Will always have conscience. I know i mentioned before i think like guys, and i do that because i want them to think of me as one of them. It makes me feel less insecure. Its easier for me to loosen up when i 'lepak' with a bunch of them. Still, doesn't change the fact that most criminals are male, and men can impregnate women. Thus, the very reason I'm scared of men. Question! Have u ever realise the person we call perverts or ham sap are male?

I have always been careful when making friends, but i do actually noticed there are different types of people. I cant just judge them at first glance. So then, i became more careful to a point of being choosy. If i don't like a person i may not say it to his face, ill still act friendly (with hope of getting to know the person better) but if i already know how bad he is, ill stay away. There are also guys, who are shy, sooo shy that they cant stand my loudness or my ability to not care bout others and just do what i want. Did i mention gay guys also cant stand me. My roughness. And my un-ladylike behaviour. Yes, that came from my gay boss.

Around me I have friends of friends who smoke, drink, go clubbing, doing god-knows-what with their bf or gf, things i don't approve and you wont actually caught me doing. but i still remain their friend. Its easy to just let go for the wrong things they did, but wouldn't it better to remain friends with them so that when they want to leave all that or 'recover' you will be their guidance and support?

I always remind my friends to take care of themselves when they go out with friends who drinks or 'liar'. I worry a lot about them. As for myself, thank god the usual people i hang with doesn't smoke or drink. Both male and female. To me, what you do wrong, don't drag me. I don't want to be an accomplice. Your sin, not mine.

I don't care if some of you will say i wont ever get a boyfriend, or i never had a bf because of this post. The time will come, but until then I will choose who i befriend with. By the way, the scary guy is now one of the closest male friend i have. See? I hold on to friendships. I judge people, but i still hold on to them.