Losing Myself

I haven't been blogging because I simply do not have the time and the wants to share my life here anymore. In order to ignite the passion, and to practice my rusty writing skills I thought I would write this.

What have I been up to since 2019?

The year started with a trip in my favourite country, Korea. My kampung away from home. That was a blast. And a proper holiday and the last one I will have in a while since we purchased a house!

Yup, we got a place in Kuantan for Mama and Abah to have a place called home. So after almost 11 years of us renting in Keramat, we finally moved to Kuantan officially in August 2020. This is a whole another story. 

I ended the year with a yoga #Tigapuluhani birthday party for 30 of my closest friends, this time making time to celebrate with a lot of people instead of travelling like I usually do. I also sent out 300 postcards for friends and family members. Something to remember me by, and of gratitude to all of them who made me who I am.

2020 the roundup

hmmm we had a normal January & February until all hell break lose in March. For the first time ever, a nationwide scratch that, a worldwide total lockdown was enforced where no one is allowed to leave their houses for own safety due to the COVID-19 outbreak.

This was hell because many people do not know how to handle this forced lifestyle change, become stressed and made other people stress. This situation was homewrecking for some, and it was hard but people learn to adapt.

Everything went virtual. You name it, classes, work, meetings, conferences, parties, weddings, conversations, all went online. People cook, made dalgona coffee, sharpen their ID skills, collect and nurture plants. Some celebrities made daily live shows for their social media followers. I had 7 to 12 fishies as my home office colleagues. 

Things were OK at first. It was bearable. But the first lockdown went on for 3 months. Business were affected. Income lost. People struggled. Many people lost their jobs. 

Me? I developed anxiety. Have had many attacks, lived with sweaty palms, constant worry and palpitations. Sleeping patterns worsen. I cry all the time.

Spent Ramadhan and Aidilfitri just the 3 of us (and next door). By August, my parents moved out from the KL home and have shifted to Kuantan permanently. Initially it was alright. I learned how to be on my own.

End of 2020, I resumed my birthday trip but I couldn't travel so I used the opportunity to be home in Beserah. Thus the #BeserahBirthdayTrip!

You just gotta make full use of what you have -resource, opportunity, availability. Which I definitely did. Every chance I get to Work From Home long term, I go back to Kuantan and stay there for a couple of months. 

2021 so far.....

• I started the year with a virtual conference we handled. Cray crayyy.
• And then I got a kitten! I named her Sukma and then I got another kitten I named Atma.
• Nana got married. Imran got married. These 2 got married when majlis were allowed to happen so sempatlah merasa human interaction.
• Spent Ramadhan in KL, without my parents but managed to spent it with various household Im welcomed to. Theres always a seat for me in Semenyih, Sering Ukay, Cyberjaya, Abg Ayis & Kak Lisha’s, Ya’s and of course Mummy’s.
• Got through half of Ramadhan with plans laid out for iftar until cross district travel is put to halt again.
• Spent raya in KL without my parents. It was a virtual raya round 2!
• Got my first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine. Had most of the side effects

• The cyber security project I was working on since 2018 finally happened after 3 postponement.
• Definitely lost myself. Struggled so much with despair. Anxiety heightens. Just trying to keep it together, professionally.
• Virtual raya haji. Went to get second dose of vaccination - was down for a week after that.

• Had a few close cousins infected by COVID-19. 
• Returned home, made decision to change lifestyle & routine because this way of life is not cutting it for me. I'm demotivated, lethargic all the time, I cry too much, get affected so easily. I'm just done.

That's where we are at so far. I’m now on a quest to find myself again. To look for things that will bring joy to me. Not something Im good at. But things I can be good at, that I will enjoy working hard for. Im up for a new adventure. It will not be easy, Im willing to go thorough it. 

InsyaAllah semoga dipermudahkan.