Take a step back. Breath.
That's what Emon told me to do. I need to get out of it all for a while and come to realization of what and how things are. Maybe I've given too much thought about it but don't quite see it.
So leave for a while. Reevaluate.

For every person who have talked to me about this and tried to help out, Emon gave the best insight.
She made me stop and think. She was the only one that pointed out that maybe, just maybe I'm not THAT vulnerable after all. I might be the stronger one.

Now, I need to find that stable ground.
Because in the end, there's too much care and attachment to allow it to fall apart.

Dan bagi seorang lain yang aku pernah punya rasa.
Sudah tiada apa lagi. Bukan disebabkan masa, aku tanpa kuasa dan tak mampu lagi berikan rasa.

I still have my last paper tomorrow, Falsafah Islam. But I don't have any interest what so ever to cramp details about the history of Islamic philosophy, the scholars, the pioneers, Avicenna, Averroes, Suhrawardi, Mulla Sadra, no heart at all. I should be overjoyed to be surrounded by all this intellectual men. But my head and heart already decided to focus on the biggest F word that define me, Family.

I will go back to KL tomorrow, at exactly 1.55pm by flight. And I will arrive at the airport at 2.55pm. Maybe earlier because they are usually early anyways. Lya will pick me up, send me to the nearest train station, and I'll be back in KL by evening. Then, I'll start my journey to Kuantan with Abang E and meet more family members. I will then switch off my phone for the next 3 days.

Our family will be gathering at Balok Seaview Resot for our annual ABCB Family Day. Its family time! Can't wait to enjoy the company of many, laugh out loud, mini heart to heart sessions and most of all, PIRANHA feeding time! And I need to prepare myself getting told off, being bossed around and being the runner/babysitter/kuli/assistant/loudspeaker/photographer. Multi tasking righttt!

But right now, I'm sad. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of being with my extended family. And the hope that this thing that is going on right now, will pass quickly. I hope it will. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know anymore. It wasn't like this before. Now its as if, there's no 'care' to try amending it.

But I still care. Or else I won't feel as if something is eating me up inside.

Announcement: I've decided that I'm closing down my tumblr from public viewing. I need that space to be a place for me to be that emotional, temperamental, indecisive, confused, weak person I kept hidden. Because we all have skeletons in our closet. That that place will be my closet. 

After all, I still put up blog worthy pictures here.

I don't write to you, for you, or about you because you can't handle what I've got to say

I nak tunjuk betapa penuh kain baju atas katil belum berlipat, BUT I can't find my camera under the bundle. Jadi memadai pakai webcam. Kisahnya, mengemas pakaian yang nak hantar balik rumah, nak tinggalkan sehingga habis sem dan nak bawa balik Kuantan, berserta pakaian yang baru dicuci hari ini. Kalau nampak apa-apa yang tak patut nampak, buat-buat tak nampak.

Dan ini, teaser dari trip penutup sem 2. Hiking di Taman Negara Pulau Pinang, berkelah di Pantai Kerachut!

Semalam, Sunday was a hell of a day. I wasn't really tired of the hiking but I was emo. On Saturday I spent hours of fun around people; laughing like crazy, sharing jokes, teasing each other, and then suddenly...NONE! To make matter worse, none of them was online, and I wasn't really in the socialising mode so I just stayed in my hot stuffy room. I wanted to go out on my own but the weather was too hot that thinking about going out is already exhausting.

So what did I do? I 'pack' my clothes. Thus the pile you see in the picture. It is still here though. On the floor, waiting to be magically folded by house elves. Sigh. If only. Eventually I did go out. Asked Cip to take me to the bank, buy my cleanser, buy food, AND had a haircut+hairwash for RM3 only. Felt so much better afterwards.

3 things that can save my sanity in CG:

The TV Room

The air-conditioned study room

The Kiki Girls rooms on first floor. Nasib lah bilik Emy, Ieda and Shida sederet. Senang! Turun bawah jumpa semua.

What else helped my mood semalam? Korean variety show 2 Days 1 Night! With new addition Uhm Taewoong. The balance is back. 6 people now, so the group can be divided to Old Boys and Young boys again. I still miss Kim C and MC Mong though. Oh well, they're still the funniest bunch! 

KBS, don't cancel the show. I'll have the worst case of withdrawal syndrome. Lagi teruk dari Weeds.

On another note, I think I really am a Penguin. Dulu masa kecik, panas sikit naik rashes. Muka merah. Tak tahan langsung. Orang panggil Puteri Lilin. Sekarang ni, asal panas je emo, nak marah, keadaan cuaca yang sangat tak sesuai dengan emosi. Pastu pergi porong rambut. Hahahaha dah jadi habit!

I am done with 3 papers! 2 more to go. Next paper gap seminggu. Wuuu-huuuuu-huuuuuu (I pun tak sure bunyi dia macam mana, but its a happy yelp!). And no, I'm not gonna talk about any of the papers I've had.

I can't remember how I was we were, Geng Gitar Lapok, during exam season. I remember late nights going to the boys' place at Akademi Tingkat 10 or them coming over to Timah to study. Or sometimes its just us girls dalam master bedroom beramai-ramai, atas tilam dikelilingi helaian kertas trying to jam our brains with one whole semester's work. Last minute study, biasalah tu!

My final sem for diploma, I was at Mally G. Memory of studying for exams...hmmm... I'm sure it involves a lot of sleeping. Because I can only remember Ya making a fuss at me saying I sleep too much and don't study enough. Dulu boleh lah buat camtu. Perangai selekeh tapi score jugak. Kat sini? Toksah dok harap!

Habit students kat sini, dengan segementasi dikecilkan kepada student Communication, adalah TIDUR secukupnya selepas habis paper. Sepanjang sem, asal buka FB for sure macam-macam update lah masing-masing tu. Cuba time exam. Sebelum exam dah tentu-tentu senyap je sebab semua try nak pulun last minute study. Esok tu, lepas habis paper pun senyap jugak. Semua ganti tidur.

I? I always find time to sleep. The only thing I will not change during exam season is to make sure I sleep well before my paper. Untuk mengelakkan terlajak tidur pada pagi exam, dan tertidur tak bangun langsung semasa exam.

Okay dah! I need my Weeds now! Interval exam kot! Mestilah ada masa untuk Weeds!

No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.

People's words affect you only as much as you let them.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

Nobody does things without making mistakes. But we try to take our mistakes, understand them, and then replace them with something better.

Sometimes we have to run away from the people we love. Not because we want them to realize our worth, but for us to realize our own worth.

Life is too short to let someone make you miserable. Remember, someone can only make you unhappy if you give them the power to do so.

Yeah, so the hectic lifestyles of USM students is nearing end for us. Well, in about a month. Its exam month for all of us and we are now in preparation to battle examination. The Penang War Museum and nom nom trip with Dr. Shu will have to wait.

Just came back from KL for the study break. Which I didn't do anything much except meet up with friends and family but still fail to have a session of Feed Me Weekend. Takpe! 2 weeks to go! Then it is the ultimate Feed Me Weekend with all of ABCBs at Balok Seaview Resort! Family dayyyyyy!

Until then, sila duduk diam-diam kat Penang dan study untuk exam. Kewangan pun tak memberi kebenaran untuk keluar bersuka-ria bagi belaan makan best2 kan? Which reminds me, I still have not paid for USM yuran. Esok shall go lepas habis paper. Please Penang, jangan panas sangat?

Pictures from last weekend, with Timah and 2/5 Happy Pills at Konsert Gadis Semasa Sunsilk. Damn padat, nasib baik tak basah dengan berpeluh. And thank you for singing songs that I can sing along to Yuna, Hujan and Ella! One Nation Emcee walaupun tak tau sangat lagu, performance dorang best! Melda? Lucky, but I can't say she own the night even though its supposed to be hers.

When I found you, I will let everybody know about you, but never share you. I'll keep you to myself.

When I meet you, it will feel like warm water giving me the prickly sensation on my skin.
I'll instantly feel it.

When I see you, my eyes will be closed. My sight is through my heart.

When I touch you, I'll know it will be you. Walking with me till the end of the road. 

Road made of old wood and rusted nails, weaken by sunlight and sea water.

Until that time, it will only be me on the boardwalk.

* * * * * * * * *

I'm home. The pull is stronger here, telling me, assuring me what I'm not.

It doesn't kill me anymore stabbed with words sharper than blades.

I'm the star of my own drama. The plot have now reached the falling action, and I'm just waiting for the resolution.

Oh I forgot. The script write itself. And I, the star of the show, wants to leave before it ends.

Akhirnya! Lepas ke Siam! Remember a while back, I posted emo posts about not ever gonna be allowed to travel on my own? Ironically, the trip I'm not allowed to go was to Hadnyai too. Thank God the second time around I got clearance from ze parents. Oh, I'm not exactly sure of the correct spelling. Is it Hatyai or Hadnyai? Im comfortable with the latter. So Im gonna use that.

My new passport is stamped dah! Yays!

On Friday, Ain picked me up from USM after pre-internship presentation. Not 2 hours after I left Penang, not even halfway to Kedah, I started missing my happy pills. I use to have the strongest attachment to one, now I'm attached to 5! Parah dah. So anyway, lets just fast forward. I slept over at Ain's place. And the next morning...to Hadnyai!

Im sort of malas to fill in the details because that morning was a big blur for me. I had stomachache, I was not excited, it was hot, I was sleepy and I slept through most of the journey. Lets skip details for the first place. Let me tell you something. I went to Thailand, and I shopped at 7Eleven. Melampau kan! Toiletries dorang best! And cheap! And then they stooped at this hypermarket call the Big C, and I got stuck at the toiletries section, AGAIN!

Everytime bas berjalan, I tidur. Everytime they stop, we don't get down. Instead we ate! Ain's mum owns a kedai makan. So that morning she prepared nasi bungkus for us. Sedap gila! tu yang jadinya tak turun bas. Kitorang (Ain, her sister, cousin, Fura and I) makan dan makan. For the first 2 times je lah. Banyak berhenti kot. Kat sempadan, kat imigresen, kat kedai madu yang bosan tu. Dahlah sakit perut.

I cheered up at the second stop, tempat jual makanan kering where we can test all jajan / kudap-kudapan / cikedis for free. Which I did not sebab semua tulisan Siam. Tak faham makan apa kan. Yang pasti, perkara yang menerbitkan senyuman adalah AISKRIM KELAPA sedap MAX! Berlayer-layer okay. First layer pulut, second chuncks of bread, third ice cream, forth buah kabung, and topped of with nuts and pieces of ubi. Om nom nom! 20 bhat, RM2 sahaja! 

Lepastu we went to the mall yang I got stucked buying toiletries.

And then finallyyyyy, sampailah kami ke Klonghae. I think the whole time I was a bit moody because I'm really looking forward to eat. Not shop, but eat. Pastu they place where we are going for food is the last stop because it only opens in the evening. Great innit? There were so many people and all the vendors on the boat are Muslims. So I'm a happy fat kid. Sayangnya masa tak cukup. Tak habis berjalan sepanjang sungai.

Paling best, ada sushi okay! 4 pieces RM2. So its 50sen each! Everything there is 20 baht. Damn syiok! Tom yam sedap. Chicken wings! For drinks, they sell it in gelas tembikar or gelas made from buluh, and we can bring it back! I MUST COME BACK!

Write honestly, but don't hurt others with your words.

I don't know how to do that anymore. Jadi all these pictures are my lame excuses of an expression. Im not the type that express through things that are non-verbal. Like photography, painting, dance, music. That's not me. I need to write what I can't speak. 

But its hard. THIS is hard. For one, I've never actually say it out loud. So how am I suppose to start now? I'm not good at asking for things that I want. Yang paling I nak, yang tu yang paling akan disimpan. Orang yang paling I rindu, yang tu yang paling tak akan diberitahu. I hate rejections. So I almost always keep things to myself and observe. Kemudian overthink.

And I repeat the same process over and over again.

Just updated my status on FB - rasa tercabar dengan penulisan Tangsue. She's gooooood! If she's not my twin, Ill be damn jealous and will always stalk her just so I can trash talk her behind her back. Hah! Melayu much? Im suppose to be doing work for Promotional Writing which involves designing, editing and creating the adverts for our product. DIEDED! I'm not even an art person. Seriously, waktu-waktu begini amat memerlukan khidmat Ken dan Andre. Sia-sia je download Photoscape, pastu tak reti pakai jugak. I need to come up with an ad that looks like this, I've been using Paint. Old school kan?

Sengaja sidetrack kan diri because I just woke up, started a bit of work, feel inferior, therefore blog. Konon-konon polishing my skills. Oh, I need to tell the going ons here in Penang. I have lost my title as Mak Tiri, and also my credibility to be garang as perceived by others. I am friends with people who are mighty cute and manja max. So naturally, they brought out the manja-ness in me too. I was SO NOT manja okay. And I am terrified when people realise that I am manja with them. If I am manja, it means I have opened up a little bit too much to you. And I definitely have opened up a lot to the girls here. I can't be that attach. >.<

I told Millie about it and her theory is that I've always been manja but I never show it. And I've always been surrounded by boys in college therefore its my defence mechanism to be garang. Furthermore, I am one of the boys there kan. Gila kau nak jadi manja, gedik, mengada dengan diorang? Kena lempang laju-laju tak pasal je. Now that I am with people who are so rajin to melayan perangai mengada-ngada, manja-ness UNLEASHED!

Seriously, almost everyone here melayan kalau I whine (hello, Hani whine? unheard of!) or pretend merajuk Yonkey, Tangsue, Grobuela, Diamond, Mini, Muncheekins, Ciara, Mas, Pumpum, Dieyla, Cip, Ieda, Emy, Aienul, Shidah, semua kot! Melayan je. And they themselves are like that too. So full of love. Can't stop yourself from loving them instantly. And we all sweet talk / flirt with each other. Comel tak? Like this morning, I came into class and  got a text message: Cantik outfit harini!

I'm the sort who loves giving out hugs and its so so fun to know that every time, I will receive one myself. Munchee is not exactly one who is used to getting hugs, and now she is. Perangai semua rub off to each other. Hey girls, don't use this against me preaseee!

 Diamond, Ciara, Grobuela, Tangsue, me, Mini (matilah korang nak dapat nama betul!)

Top to bottom: Ieda Kiring, Ainul Kibam, Yonkey, Muncheekins.

Nak blog emo post pulak okay? Dah hujung sem ni, kenapa kerja tak sudah jugak lagi? I still have 4 presentations to prepare. 1 of them is for internship, and another is for Promotional Writing group project which we will present during study week, mind you! And i still have 1 individual assignment to hand in after my presentation. Oh Suhrawardi, you are interesting. But I can't date you anymore. You are exhausting! And I will need to crack my head open to fully understand you.

I must remind myself. STAY AWAY FROM PHILOSOPHERS WITH NAMES THAT STARTS WITH S. I've had Socrates, and now Suhrawardi. Both menyakitkan otak. Im still in love with philosophy though. Can't deny that.

To end this semester, I got 3 eventful outings planned.

• To go to Hadnyai on 9th of April.
• Fake tourist trip to Penang War Museum with my happy pills.
• Nom nom trip with Dr. Shu, my Promotional Writing course lecturer. We sort of offered ourselves in her class when she said she don't know where to take people out when they visit Penang.

What else? I can't wait for exam to finish on 29th April. I will fly back to KL straight, and hope that I will be just in time for ABCB's family day. Oh! Here are some pictures of my first gig after 3 years. 3 tahun! Can you believe it? This is from Rock4Rights at Fort Cornwallis, Penang. Im going to say it here - put it on the record, I am now a fan of Car Crash Hearts and An Honest Mistake.

Now for the emo part. Should God decide that I am able to leave here and be there, I will need to leave on the same night of Abang E's wedding in Kuantan, or the very next day. Because that's the only choice I have. To be able to stay and be there with my family as well as for my big brother. To take this positively, I will have everyone in one place. Sempat jumpa semua. Negatively, I will take away the attention. Perasan much? Okay. Lets say I will be gone on the day after the wedding. Nanti takde orang hantar. Sebab semua kat Kuantan. Hwaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Pastu tak boleh jumpa sampai tahun depan. Dahlah raya sorang-sorang.

OKAY STOP IT! Over thinking already. You've been doing it a lot now a days Farah Hani. Nah pin, pop your own bubble. Eh jap, last nak nag. I want baju kaftan warna lilac to wear on Abang E's wedding! Help?