1. You shouldn't read when you know you hate the writer and what's written.
2. Don't anticipate an ending because sometimes it won't be as good as what you imagine.
3. Don't begin something that you know doesn't quiet end. (Hint: relationshits)
4. Drink water, it will serve your body well.
5. Persuasion is the second most powerful drug after words.
6. Stop being jealous towards other people. They have things they hate in life just like you do.
7. Don't stalk, its unhealthy.
8. Never wait for something or someone that will never come around.
9. If a chance passed, let it go. There are no such thing as second chances.
10. Even if there is, it wont work. Therefore, refer point 8.
11. Be thankful with what you have in life. You might not get it again. Other people might never have it.
12. Don't strike a conversation with your ex (friend/ bestfriend/ boyfriend/ crush/ almost-happened-never-did-happen/ fiancee/ husband)
13. If a conversation may occur, let the other party start. You'll be entitled to be the one being mad.
14. You might think its over, do remind yourself the resentment is still there.
15. May not be much, but let yourself know its still there. Not to start another feud, but to put clear conscience on your head never to begin things again.
16. Disinfect hands at all time.
17. Disinfect your thoughts of bad memories it you can.
18. Don't hold you pee.
19. See a gynae if you think things are not normal.
20. Make sure you have the funds to see the gynae.
21. Refer to your hierarchy of needs to start the New Year.

Happy 2010!
Hopefully it is going to be a happy new year.

Gila ke kalau dalam umur sekarang ni, dalam masa tak berapa-apa, I want to be married. Memang naluri manusia untuk hidup berpasangan. Dan setiap orang, kalau ada jodoh, maka adalah pasangannya. Satu sahaja masalahnya, I dont want a boyfriend. If there is going to be a relationship, I want it to be marriage.

Dua hari ni, dah habis 7 novel Melayu. Semua ceritakan kisah cinta membawa ke perkahwinan. The right kind of love, my type of love. Dalam 7 cerita itu, sempat titipkan 1 lagi kisah. Kisah cinta perkahwinan juga, tapi berulit airmata. Kisah cinta Natrah dan Mansor Adabi. Untung nasib mengemas bilik terjumpa artikel tulisan Aunty Fatini tentang Natrah untuk Dewan Masyarakat keluaran April dan Mei 1989.

Baru minggu lalu ke teater Natrah di Istana Budaya. Sungguhpun pementasan agak overated, tapi berkesan sedikit. Cukup untuk lakukan research sendiri, for me to know more. Nak baca biografi tulisan Aunty Fatini, belum keluar lagi. Jadi research melalui internet sajalah.

Dari artikel Dewan Masyarakat 1989, berjurai-jurai air mata. Pertama kerana hebatnya generasi dahulu menegakkan Islam. Dan kedua, kerana kesan kehilangan cinta dan harapan.

Cinta pertama seawal 13 tahun. Kemudian dipaksa dilepaskan, kesannya siapa tahu? Perkahwinan lain dan kehadiran zuriat mungkin mengubat. Tapi untuk sementara sahaja. Jika tidak, mengapa Natrah setelah puluhan tahun berlalu, bereaksi aneh setelah melihat Mansor Adabi melalui video? Saki-baki kasih masih ada, sentiasa ada.

Impak cinta. Puluhan tahun berlalu, masih terasa. Setelah melihat bekas suami elok berkeluarga, barulah harapan diputuskan. Realiti kehidupannya yang tidak bahagia memaksa diri melepaskan yang ada dan mencari yang tidak diketahui. Natrah mahu meninggalkan perkahwinan, tetapi bukan anak-anaknya.

Dari pemahamanku, mungkin anak-anaknya membahagiakan. Tapi ada lagi yang tidak mencukupi. Untuk kembali kepada bahagia yang dulu, apa lagi yang wujud? Mak Aminah sudah tiada. Mansor Adabi bukan lagi miliknya. Maka dengan itu Natrah cuba mencari bahagia dengan mengganti teman?

Wajarlah Natrah melalui gangguan tekanan perasaan. Di mana lagi harus sandarkan harapan apabila dia tempat untuk dia kembali? Satu sahaja persoalan. Di usia yang matang, sudah berakal, tiada tanggungan, kenapa Natrah tidak berharap dan bercinta dengan agama?

Dia pernah sayangkan Islam. Dia pernah menganut Kristian Katolik, tapi keduanya tidak diamalkan lagi. Mungkin Natrah keliru. Walaupun tanpa teman, sekurangnya dia ada pegangan. Faith is believing without evidence. If she have faith, she could at least save herself from her own misery

Kehidupan natrah mengecewakan. I dont blame her for the things that happened in her adolescence years. She didn't have any say then, There were too many deciding for her. But afterwards, she had years of chances to change her life to be better. Why didn't she take them?

Mungkin salah dia tidak mecari Tuhan dan agama. Mungkin salahnya pada bimbingan yang tiada. Atau mungkin salahnya sebagai ibu yang berkorban diri untuk anak-anaknya. Mungkin Natrah itu tidak wujud lagi. Mungkin yang ada hanya Mama untuk 10 anaknya.

Aku salahkan cinta. Cinta Natrah pada Islam yang dirampas. Cinta pada keluarga di Malaya yang sentiasa diingati. Cinta pada keluarga di Belanda yang tidak mahu dilepaskan. Cinta yang tidak tahu di mana harus disalurkan. Sebenarnya Natrah kehilangan. Dia kehilangan zaman kanak-kanaknya. Dia kehilangan kesenangan. Dia kehilangan harapan dan kasih sayang. Natrah hilang kebahagiaan.

Nadra binti Ma'arof, Huberdina Maria Hertogh, I pray for a better after life for you. You deserve your bahagia.

PS: Sila abaikan mode jiwang dan bahasa puitis. Salahkan novel-novel Melayu yang asyik ceritakan perihal nikah kahwin. Dan juga salahkan serendipity yang temukan kisah Natrah dan Mansor Adabi pada si hopeless romantic ini.

PS2: Abaikan hal nak kahwin tu juga. Banyak lagi hierarchy of needs yang perlu diselesaikan.

Semalam pergi tonton Natrah di Istana Budaya dengan Shaffiq, Lya, Nelly and Liyana. I was okay when it started. I was fine when it ended. I was jumpy when we waited for Remy. I was uncertain when we were deciding where to eat. I was queasy in the car. I was unsure at OldTown. I was chatty while they eat. I was quiet in the car ride home. I was lonely.

I enjoyed the company. I really did. Its just that seeing Lya with Nelly, and Liyana makes me miss Millie and Nana so much. So much that I don't feel good inside. They were laughing, sharing inside jokes, camwhoring, just having fun with each other. Its not that i don't like them. I do, they're easy to get along with. They're fun. Its just that I miss having that of my own.

I haven't seen Nana since the last time she went back in April. And she wont be back until next Easter. 1 whole year of not seeing her. And both of us have been busy so we haven't had our regular phone calls since forever. Not much email or even FB. Its hard. I understand you're busy. Its just that I miss you so much.

As for Millie, thank god she'll be back in a week. And thank god Im on my semester break. More time to lepak with kesayangan. Milly comes back regularly, and we do keep contact through Skype, emails and FB. So its not as bad. But next year, I have to brace myself. She wont be back for summer as she's doing her job placement there. And InsyaAllah, I might not be here end of next year when she's back.

They both wont be here next year. I might not be here too.

Sometimes, there comes a time when I really need someone to hold on to. Most of the time Im fine by myself. Im capable of being independent. But sometimes, at times like this. When Im feeling lonely, when I need someone to crumble to, it helps if there is someone there. Someone to be my pillar.

I miss us. Sangat-sangat.


See how bad I miss you? Sampai I tak tertulis review Natrah. And the level of Remy's hotness sehingga he gave us Remygasm. Har har! Seriously, Remy next to Johnny...I tak nampak Johnny dah.

Sila tolong jangan volunteer diri lagi if you can't deliver.

-Permintaan dengan penuh harapan

I got 2 incidents I MUST tell everyone.

Incident 1
Main character: Ya

After leaving Timah for the final time on 30th November, Ya and I went back to Sungai Buloh. Mama served us sup gearbox with meatballs in addition to our Sani char kuetiau. After finishing our kuetiau, we attacked the gearbox. There are 2 sides of the muscle and ligament which we love because its chewy and so nice to eat. Ya finished one side and 'pass the baton' to me. I started biting my side of the bone while she was looking- no, staring, at me. As I got to the third bite (with the very appealing crunch sound mind you), ya can't help it anymore and exclaimed NAK!! I was laughing already sebab muka dia sangat kasihannnn. I told her I dont think Im ready to be married if Im not satisfied eating like that. Ya replied. (here's the best part) "tu lah..kita ni macam CARNIVAL kan?"

Yerp! She joined carnivore and cannibal together.

Incident 2
Main character: Eikha

Yesterday E, Ya, Redza, Ayaq and I had late lunch at Mahligai's club house while waiting for the rain to stop. We planned to go swimming when the rain pours, so us girls who were famished made them boys eat with us too. After eating, I bought a bun to be eaten with my teh o. The rest have finished and were walking towards the gazebo. I had a bun on 1 hand, and my cup of tea on the other so I was not sure how to avoid the rain from getting in my tea. "Alaaaaa, cemana ni? Nanti hujan masuk dalam air" to which Eikha replied, "Entah Fa ni, genius. Meh la I habiskan roti you tu!"

I was dumbfounded when I heard that and just cracked up laughing. Redza pun dah tak boleh control his laughter. You're the genius E!

And I'll poop soon afterwards! Like the other day I took the train to KL Sentral to go back to SA, I had 1 sausage McMuffin and 1 Subway sandwich of the day. Then on the bus on the way to SA, i want to poop. Its always like that. That's why I don't like to take the bus or commuter.

The route is long, it takes time to get to each stop and its scary! Not to mention there's no toilet provided. Fine, the Putra line and monorail pun takde toilet. Tapi each station dekat2. So I can just run to the nearest toilet. Okay enough.

Do you know Im kinda sorta homeless? Abah asyik outstation je. So mama, adik and I will tumpang at Warisan on the days he's not here.

I moved out of Timah already. We all did. Because the owner sold the house. And the new owner just can't wait to move in. We hope you'll have a good time at Timah like we did. Don't mind the nosy next door neighbour with super sonic hearing who can hear every footstep and every single whisper. He's like that.

The day we finally move out Ya and I had to throw out at least 10 girls worth of item. Ada je barang tercicir. Towel lah, baju lah, kasut lah, knick knacs and a whole shelf of books. But we didn't touch the shelf. Tak pindah pulak kang selagi tak settle.

The rest of the items, the furniture and appliances, the owner allow us to take. So Timah next door took the big dining table, Ayaq took some dining chairs, Pakchaq took the long rattan couch, dapur gas, some cups and plates AND the rest was taken by Ozy and his housemates.

Now, apa adab memberi dan menerima? Memberi seikhlas hati dan menerima seadanya. Right? Here's the thing. Ozy, that's Ana's boyfriend, he literally polished the house. I think if we didn't book some of the things, they would have taken it all. They actually took 2 light bulbs! Melampau kan? Benda tu pun nak sebat. Dahlah macam2 dah bagi elok2, nak jugak buat hal. Its not your house nor mine la gila! U can't take and I can't give just like that.

Get this. The time i got to know he took the bulbs I called him and he said he didn't take it. So I texted telling him to give back the bulbs if any of his friends might have taken it. He replied 'hehe ada tadi ozy TERAMBIK 1, ana dah larang tp ozy saja je ambik nak tgk sha ckp apa. Ni nak pth blk ni. Haha' MY ARSE!

Terambik. Ye! Rajin pulak memanjat nak cabut bulb daripada lampu kalau terambil kan? Dua pulak tu! I made them give back both. When they came back, only Ana went in . She put the bulbs on the sofa. When I asked her to put it back on she said 'malaslah, I x sampai' ewaaaah dah pandai cabut, suruhlah Ozy. Jadi Ozy pun masuk utk pasangkan. Siap ada remarks 'ni xleh pakai dah ni' MEMANGLAH TAK BOLEH KALAU KAU DAH TUKARKAN DGN YANG ROSAK DARI RUMAH KAU! Ingat kitorang bodoh sangat? Dahlah bulb pun lain. Malas nak panjang cerita, bukak mulut kang makin banyak pulak aku dapat tau.

Yea, ni memang public accusation. Ni memang dah langgar writing ethics. Ni memang put u to cyberspace shame, as if you didn't do that to yourself first. Kenapa? Nak sangkal? I got witness.

Girl, you just crossed the line. When you joined us we welcomed you. You gain friends way better than those you had before. Funny you waited until the end to show your stripes. Is there anything else we should know about you that we don't already know?

Im now in station Putra. We were all asked to clear the trams and wait at the other platform sebab one of the gerabak ada electrical problem. Mini fireworks show people! Malas nak pindah dengan beg baju ni lagi. Tapi tren meletup kang tak pasal je.

Cerita exam pulak. The boys had their haircut already. I have a thing for clean cut boys, jadi semuanya nampak alluring di mata ku. Hahahaha. Anip and paley yang dah biasa rambut panjang looked like handsome pengkids now. Fadol tak nampak macam younger version of Encik Dat dah. Fieq's haircut, I don't like. He look better with the one before. But Nazmi, he looked good! 6 semesters, ni first time he had his hair differently.

Yesterday was the first paper. Research Methodology. Terbaik lah kalau first que 40markah and more than half of the class tak boleh buat. Why? Because we were taught that on the last class, very few came. Semester 5 prepared better because Prof always made them practice that kind of question. I say, salah dua2. You guys for not coming to class and maaflah lecturer tapi I can't adapt to your laissez-fairre method of teaching anymore. You can be that way, joke that way, have your class environment that way but NOT when you are teaching or grading us. Berapa kerat yang rajin buat extra research? Nil.

Finally disuruh pindah to the former platform to continue with our route. I've been writing from my phone dari Kuang. Tak settle2 lagi. Tak sampai KL Sentral lagi. Dahla belum mandi. Hahahaha konon2 style American. Padahal tak tahan sejuk.

Oh! Hoping for sufficient amount of money to go backpacing with Shaffiq in Summer 2011. Yg penting, lepas grad - INDONESIA! Get AISEC to help too.

Train is here. Nak berak

I seriously bad mood macam haram today. I am exhausted, I am angry, I am frustrated, I was blur, my mind was clouded, I don't process information well, I langung takde sense of urgency (memang selalunya takde tapi harini melampau takde rasa), Im unprepared, I felt hopeless.

Kiranya harini jangan expect Hani to be productive and friendly lah. Apa-apa message pun pending je. Otak tak translate. Dahlah penat communte from Shah Alam to KL by bus. Ye saya complain sebab I hate buses. Dengan phone takde battery, kene tunggu sampai Sungai Buloh baru boleh charge.

Kiranya the day got lots of glitches which I can't exactly avoid. Including being mad at people around me but I didn't express it to them because the people I see don't deserve my mouthful of spit. Therefore I kept it to myself which results in me being bitter.

It continued on until 1:10am just now. You know what changed? My mood. Finally! I found something to read and de-stress myself. And among the things I read made me smile ear to ear. Takdelah kelakar gila boleh gelak guling-guling, tapi kelakar jugaklah sampai boleh lift up my mood kan?

Kiranya guys can write as corny and as cheesy as girls do when it comes to love. It really did tickle my funny bone. I suka stumble into something at times I don't expect. Macam ni lah baru rasa Serendipity. Elok juga jadi cyberspace stalker ni kadang-kadang. I clicked New Post to bitch out again tadi. About incidents yang boleh diberikan perumpamaan 'bila terhantuk, baru mengadah' akan tetapi my sorrow, bitter mood dah hilang jadi tak perlulah membuka pekung di dada ni kan. Let bygones be bygones. I gave up pun actually.

Kiranya Im saved from dosa menghina, mengutuk dan mengungkit malam ni.

1. Broadband connection in Sungai Buloh yang tak macam babi terbang
2. Kain baju magically unpacked to the designated areas so that my room tak nampak macam tongkang pecah
3. Im not here in Malaysia, not trying to finish my diploma
4. The holiday trip Toto & Neni were talking about last weekend will actually happen
5. Backpacking trip, so that I can escape
6. Money to survive daily life
7. Nafsu nak shopping because last weekend I can't seem to like anything eventhough Toto offered to pay
8. Jihu materialise in front of me
9. Manageable hair
10. Being able to live in Timah
11. Having just enough money so that my head wouldn't ache thinking about plans put to halt due to the lack of financial
12. Circumstance that allows me to accept the job offers I've been getting the past 3 weeks
13. Computer yang takkan crash everytime I bukak more than 3 windows
14. Otak tak serabut sangat

Somehow, Im not worried about the exam coming up. Im not worried about the fact that I'll be homeless if I can't come up with the deposit for rent, Im not worried about the assignments I didn't hand in. Im not worried about the latest bulletin issue that I didn't print. Im not worried. Why? Because people don't care. They never did. I think its high time I stop too. Sebab Im so freaking tired.

Bila I boleh start depend on another person? Bila is it my turn to look forward for things from other people? Bila time untuk I tak jadi kaunter pertanyaan? When? Its now.




That's how frustrated I am. Bila korang nak jadi berani? Make changes. Make me eat my words.

Dah lama tak update kan? So here's the deal. I dah lama tak balik rumah. And if balik pun kadang2 tak panas buntut pun. Balik, more like singgah. Then bila balik singgah, that's the only time I boleh online. Sebab tu online sampai pagi buta tak tidur-tidur. Next day baru tidur dalam kereta otw to KL.

MALANGNYA! Online kat rumah macam kembali ke zaman dial up. Lembab macam kerbau pendek terbang. Lepastu asyik crash. Buka lebih sikit je crash. Crash, crash! Thanks lah ye. Menyusahkan tahap gaban. Tukang clean up, tukang troubleshoot..aku lah juga.

Speaking of which, kiranya from the beginning I dont want to take responsibilities in handling the event. Partly because its not exactly benefitial in curricular aspect and due to the fact that I can't be the boss. Takde lah nak mengaku gila kuasa, akan tetapi I can't see myself working well under 2 bigheads. But I x sampai hati nak tengok it fall apart because the event is organised by my semester. Thus, it carries my name. I wont say I expect it to fail tapi Im trying my hardest to make it happen. Kalau korg notice, nama I tak listed under orang penting pun. Im not the event head, or any sub commitee's head. So why should I care kan?

Malas nak sambung internal AND external problem. Panjang lebar boleh jadi syllabus tambahan subjek Events pulak nanti. All we need now is support. From other people yes. But how do we gain that bila yang supposedly bekerja ni pun tak commited?

Funny word. Commited and commitee, doesn't seem to add up. Seriously, I jenis perengus. Pemarah, irrational bila dah start marah. Tapi this time I really control my temper. Bila meeting, I datang. I take things seriously but in light manner so that kita semua tak serabut stressed out. I make stupid jokes, tease u guys so that kita gelak2. Tapi lama2 I see only the same 5 faces. Sigh. Takkan nak marah kat diorang yg make efforts.

I accepted being in the commitee because some of you literally nudged me to volunteer myself. Susah sangat ke nak make efforts tolong? I thought the first time I planned something for you was bad enough. I spent 3months trying to like you guys again. I hope this time will not be as bad.

Im terrified for next year. Major final project. Major drama. And there wouldn't be time to make amends afterwards. We will be scattered everywhere.

I know some of you read my blog. I minta maaf let out kat sini. Nak jumpa korang ramai-ramai serentak, memang harapan lah. And even so berapa ramai actually would listen? Everyone is too busy talking to each other. Bila semua bercakap, siapa yang mendengar? Im on the verge of frustration. But im holding myself. I hope you guys would own up. Kita buat ni from scratch. Nothing! No financial aids, nothing! Efforts korang je I harapkan.

There! Instead of bitching, open letter I keluarkan. Its a plea. At least be there so that korang tau whats going on and how to help. This is a learning process incase korang rasa its worthless.

Tapi kalau memang macam tu, I nak cakap apa kan?