When there's too much expectation


I am not brilliant. Far from it. I am just decent. And I am angry. I am pissed. I am annoyed.

What do you make of too much expectations? I'm not sure if I deserve that much of it anyways.

I do want to study abroad. I know I can make it happen. I believe Im able to survive living and studying outside Malaysia. But I see obstacles.

I've not completed my diploma yet.
Its bloody hard to get course outline for the subjects I've taken.
To apply uni abroad there's a requirement of English tests such as TOEFL or IELTS, which I have neither.
To study in the US, there's a possibility that I have to take SAT and score more than 700. 770 for Ivy League.
There are people who think I should try Ivy League universities. Try I can, get into one of it will be remarkable.
I am, right now, insecure, unsure, clueless. If you can penetrate that and tell me everything I need to know regarding applying abroad, please do. I want assuarance and not just sweet talks.
Some people made it sound so easy. But I've had first hand experience as told by my friend.

Let me share with you why I am insecure, unsure and almost always get depress when this subject arise.

My ex classmate in school have always been a straight A student. Excel in extra curicullar. She's from a well of family, who can afford monthly trip to UK if they want and she was also our measurement point. If any of us can get into the top notch universities, it will be her.

So she did try. Only on her second attempt she managed to apply for the Ivy League. Because the first time, her SAT score was not good enough.

May I add something else that contribute to my inferiority? I am not in any position of stable financial to ensure smooth progress for my application. I have 4 bank accounts and accumulative total of less than rm400. To go for the english test it is rm200 each. And they will be the one who send my score to the respective uni i'm applying. Which they will charge each time. To apply, require money for processing fees too. I don't have that. My CV is quite empty now. I need to gain experience of some sort first to build strong application.

Try to be in my shoes. I want it as bad as any other person. Don't pressure me. A little push will be good. But a lot of help will be great. Get me out of this worrisome state first.

P/s: condemning doesn't help or give benefit to any party at all. Even if what you say is true.

P/s2: yes, i am scared of my own shadow. And no thank you. I am perfectly capable of bursting my own bubble.

Footnote: right now, let me finish what im doing. Let me get my diploma. After that, i'll focus on getting what i want.

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  1. hani, ive just changed my URL. http://oneweekpleasure.blogspot.com/

    and i hate final year.


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