Confessions Part I

I confess I don't want to take the responsibilities for the class this year because I still feel bitter from the last trip. It took me nearly 3 months to befriend everyone from my class again because i've gone off the feeling of wanting to be a part of them.

I confess I think I can't cope this semester. I'm facing challenges in more ways than one. Socially, financially, management, responsibilities.

I confess I think I've given too much feelings away last year. It split 3 ways to R, A, P. And its so bloody hard to even come close to have a double take at a guy.

I confess I felt my heart was broken by R and A. The former for being a stupid mistake for beginning it. The latter for being the one that I can never have.

I confess I nearly cried just now during doa after Subuh prayers. I felt small and ashamed for asking too much, for begging when I don't give as much as I'm asking.

I confess I'm embarrased I haven't don the hijab when I've decided I want to. Even after declaring I'm comfortable covering myself, when I've had practice for 3 months.

I confess I don't spend much time with adik even when I know I should.

I confess I want to be bad (try weed once, randomly go out/roadtrip with a group Im not familiar with) but I know I can't because its not me. Im too much of the logical thinking girl.

I confess I don't know what's my specialty or talent. And I think that can be my setback.

I confess I get anxiety attack every time I think about pursuing my studies. I just don't know if it can happen.

I confess sometimes I feel used by my male friends. They look for me either for girls or studies, in that order.

I confess I get tired some times. For thinking too much about them, but never them for me. Call me stupid, call me compassionate, I tried to think about myself but somehow I'll revert.

I confess Z made me cry when he came to me asking for advice about his love life with 'the girl I use to have something with but we lost contact and found each other again after 3 years'. He was the first one i cried for.

I confess I tried staying by my principle. Never to cry for a man who's not worth it. But last month i cried twice. Once for A who I thought I will never see again, and the other time was because of Z, who I thought was the one.

I confess I don't feel hatred. Not for R, A or Z. Not even for my best friend who betrayed my trust.

I confess I can't be bothered about the feud between my 2 best friends. All I want is for them to just start over. 15 years of friendship smeared by 15 months of hostility. End it now!

I confess I don't think I can live up to expectations. There's too much from too many people.

I confess my head needs a vacation right now.

I confess I get annoyed by remarks on my body. Awak dah makin berisi, you gemuk, breast you besar, badan you atas besar bawah kecik, kenapa you ada crotch macam lelaki, makin sehat, lose weight..you are getting bigger. Hello!! I like food! I love to eat. I don't mind having this body. I got nothing to complain. Im perfectly happy with it. If you don't, do something about yours. Dont make remarks on mine! So what if I don't look like a 2- y-o like it was in your time? So what if I dont look like you were before you got married? Heads up! I dont lose anything, Im still me.

I confess sometimes I just need to go home to get away from the girls.

I confess I don't really like my house in Sungai Buloh. Hated the dirty water, the location of it in the middle of palm plantation, the lack of friends, the distance of my house to the nearest mamak. Sigh.

I confess every time we go out to eat I feel guilty for eating good food without paying money on anything as my cousins will always settle it.

I confess I don't work well in groups. I lack commitments. And I'm bossy.

I confess I hate it when friends sleepover their boyfriends house. I feel as if I'm carrying a part of their sins.

I confess I want to stop cussing. And never start cursing in Malay because it sucks.

I confess I'm vain. Quantitatively too.

I confess I don't feel inferior by hot looking girls. I just have this urge to be better than them in traits rather than looks. But its stupid, people always go for looks anyways.