I have decided.

I'm 27, it's time I do things for myself. No more trying to please people around me. Try to jaga hati a lot of people.

I have made progress. I learn to cut of toxic relationship. I untangle myself from unworthy friendships and I stopped making efforts to those who dont deserve my time.

So for the most part, I managed.

Only this bit right here. Which I have been holding on for the past 2 years. 2 damn years.

And the progress is so slow, the tortoise AND the rabbit both crossed the finishing line already.

I don't have time anymore. I want to commit but not to someone who is unsure. I have made it known, and still no decision anywhere.

Neither here nor there.

I got it wrong all this while. I can't cut you off,  you're never there for me to cut off.

I should cut myself off.

That's it.

This place needs a lot of dusting! I've been wanting to be back but daily, I seem to prefer to waste my time staring at my phone screen.

Why the sudden decision to blog? I need to find writing mood as I have a 4 page write-up that I need to deliver tomorrow. Article will be about Black Sea tourism. A lot of imagination needed and also good flair in lifestyle writing.

Which sad to say, if soooo rusty on my end. 

Anyways, 2015 was a tough year. And 2016 to me is a teacher. I experienced many things and learned so much more about myself. I have 3 years before I turn 30. I will always continue working on myself so this is my reminder to myself.

1. To make peace with my decision to stay despite receiving an offer.
2. To not be a coward and push through Masters application.
3. To make time for the family. 
4. To stay home more.
5. To do my laundry weekly.
6. To pray. Do all 5 daily, and solat Dhuha before I leave for work.
7. To speak nicely to others especially those I am not fond of - because I know I need a lot of work on this.
8. To be emotionally tougher.
9. To make amends with people who have hurt me.
10. To continue with social media detox.
11. To be selective with whom I invest my efforts to.
12. To know when to let go.
13. To quit bad habits.
14. To find the right listener - the one I can depend on.
15. To fulfill some expectations.
16. To manage finances better.
17. To sedekah to and on behalf of Adik more.
18. To appreciate those who want to be in my life.
19. To wander more and wonder less.
20. To be happy.

InsyaAllah.

I have this exact image printed and pasted on my office cubicle panel. Right next to me. As a constant reminder to be baik. So far I'm able to live according to the suggestions and feel proud that I managed to tick many from the liste.

I am having problem with number 9, trying really hard with number 20 and have no control with number 1.

Just thought of sharing this with my readers - if I still have any. Do things that make you feel good, once you get that inner peace, everything else just comes to you.

For me, alhamdulillah. I really have to thank Allah. Of late, I felt that apa I nak, semua dapat. What ever I asked for, I get it. I now see that by being appreciative, things become easier for me.

How do I put it? Maybe when I was younger, I asked for too much and had no patience. Now, because I learned to let go, to not expect too much, apa yang dapat I terima dan syukur.

And I have to share something. I am a believer of sedekah. Have always been but recently, got strengthen even more. I read a story about someone who felt that his 10k salary never being enough compared to his previous salary which was so much lesser. His solution? To make sure he gives out 10% of his salary monthly as sedekah. The problem never occurred again. There's always money, alhamdulillah.

My story. After reading that, I thought OK maybe I should give out more. Every time I visit my brother's grave I will allocate some amount for the donation box. The advice given was, give out the bigger amount and not your loose change. So that day, I gave the biggest note I had.

Alhamdulillah, to this day I still have cash for daily usage. Usually at the end of the month my wallet will be dried out already. This month I'm doing quite fine. And that is inclusive of travelling. MasyaAllah.

I am still striving to be better. I hope I can give more in future insyAllah in return I will benefit more.

In efforts to fix myself, remove negativity, eliminate toxic people - I've become a recluse. I noticed I didn't like it much because I am so not an introvert. I loveeeeeee being around people, big crowds. But it's necessary. Change is necessary, change can be good. This change specifically is for the good.

So ennui and lethargy has been my constant companion recently. The only remedy for me is my huge family. They're my happy pills, my positive injection. I have friends around me who have been helping too. Just by being around, they don't know how much they mean to me. Really.

My constant reminder to myself right now is just to be good. To do good. Let go. Some things are not meant to stay. There's a silver lining why I don't get what I want right now. Maybe it's the time - not yet. Maybe I'm not ready - emotionally, financially. Forget physicality - never made much impact.

Give chance to yourself. To be the best version of yourself. InsyaAllah. Sometimes I hate that I turn to Allah only when I am at my lowest point. But I read somewhere that maybe the difficulties are sent to you as a reminder, of how much He is missing you and want you to remember Him too.

Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka begitu bertuah dalam ramai-ramai, masih ada ruang untuk dipilih.

Terima kasih. Thank you. I give myself to you. As I've always belonged to you. And I hope I will always remember that. Don't let me go please.

I'll make You my #relationshipgoals :)

Salam Aidilfitri!

Not too late I hope. Been away for too long. Had no time for myself, what more to write for leisure.
How was your Eid? Great I hope!

Mine was good. Can be better. Unlike our usual ABCB raya in Pekan, this year we had to shift the venue to Kuantan since there's a water shortage in the area.

Was not really looking forward to it as I was so sure that things would be different. It was. The raya feel was lesser.

Oh well, main thing is we all managed to be with each other.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri evrybadeh! Mohon dimaafkan semua kesalahan yang disedari juga yang tidak. Last Ramadhan, I've initiated to be the better version of myself and not be angry all the time. InsyaAllah, semoga this change will continue and I'm able to get the result I seek.

Assalammualaikum.

I am the type of person who writes whenever I need to cope with sadness. i used to blog all the time. And then it was on Facebook status, responses were immediate. i didnt like it much. I moved to Twitter - the messages get dilluted by others' faster. But that means it gets small amount of readership. Maybe none, people will just scroll it up.

And then theres Instagram. Where people collect likes and try to outdo each other with photographs. Giving impression that life is all rainbows and unicorns tapi sebenarnya kuda padi je.

Nevertheless, I am one of those people too. For years I've been all positive in my Instagram. Until recently when major things happened. I started jotting my thoughts and upload it as pictures rather than writing it on the caption. I started with #AStoryADay and now shifted to #MidnightMicroblogging

Lets face it, like many Malaysian - my followers dont read too. They click like because photos are pretty, girls are hot, abs, overpriced food etc etc. Thus the reason I will not participate in collecting likes. If I do, my social experiment will be a major failure.

Thats it. 

To more things to look forward to in 2016.

Happiness,

Quality time,

People to love.

InsyaAllah.

I never meant for Serendipity to be depressing.

But thats all Ive been.

And every time I feel bad - I put it into writing.

I dont know when or how it happened, 

but Ive lost my drive.

The drive to want, to aspire, to strive.

The drive to be open, to make effort, to allow.

Ive lost my dream. 

I forgot my aim. 

Im simply, there.

Im lost.

I feel forgotten.

Im in despair.

Im still hopeful.

I just wish to always remember

The desire 

To laugh

To love

To live

Ultimately

To remember my life