Bottled up


If you are in my Facebook list, you'd think I am happy kan? You would have seen pictures of myself and my friends going everywhere around Penang. Really, that's just what I want people to see. You boleh tengok my status and think that I am happy. No. You want real emotions? Read my twitter timeline.

I am dead exhausted. I mengaku, I am a procrastinator. I am bad with time management. I suck at meeting deadline. What's worse is now I don't even care. I am too tired that I don't have time for myself. I dah lama tak membaca for leisure. I balik bilik, I see my laundry tak berlipat. I've actually had worse time. Up until last week, my dirty laundy menggunung bawah meja study. 3 washloads!

Sometimes I skipped classes that doesn't take attendance just so I can sleep. Nak tidur waktu malam? You wish! Kalau belum 4 pagi, jangan harap. And most of the time, its not because of Facebook. No. Nak makan? Kalau kawan-kawan tak ajak, tak pergi. Semester ni tak sampai 5 kali pun makan kat cafe CG agaknya. Padahal itu yang paling dekat dengan bilik. Why? Because I don't go back to my room until its night time. Eating habits sangat haywire. Lately been eating after midnight je. But Im thankful. At least ada yang nak bawak pergi makan.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I takde hati nak stay sini dah. I tak mencuba. That I know. I feel that I don't belong to this place. You know, if you're reading this and you think Im should have seen me at my worst. I can't even remember little things. For example, not to lock my room mate outside our room while she is in the toilet. I did that, TWICE! Kesian gila kot. Im sure tiada maaf bagimu bila kali ketiga.

I had finally burst out today. I have never, never let my parents or Timah seen my vulnerability. There are a few people that I go to when I need to break down. I am the type of person people go to when they need to cry. So when I need to cry, there's less than a handful that have seen or heard. Minta maaf kalau ada yang baca dan terasa. But lately everyone seems to be busy with their own life. I rasa gap yang luas for me to go to them and shed tears. It doesn't feel right. So this time around, I made a mistake by going to my parents.

You can cry and talk when you are pouring yourself to friends. But you can never do both at the same time with your parents. Maybe yes after you calm down. But the moment you hear their voice, you grasp their presence, that's it. Pecah! Empangan roboh. I felt so bad that I am being a brat and put them in that difficult situation. But I really really really need just one day to break down, absorb positivity from people who make me feel secure and then Ill be on my way. I need this to recuperate.

There's nothing like family. I need to go back home. Recharge energy. Recharge positivity. Rebuild myself.

* * * * * * *

Speaking of family, you need to understand that when you are away from your family, you got no one else but your friends. Your friends are the closest you have to a family. It took me nearly a year to finally find a family  that I can adopt myself in. Or for them to adopt me. I was never a person who actually belong in any certain group. Not in school, not really in college. You can check and korek my blog and you will see too many different people I am close to, but you can't exactly pin point which is my bestfriend.

Not even Timah. I hold a spot for Timah in my list. But even with them I have had rough patches. I dont know how to put it in words, but I feel that most of the time it is I who make effort to stay in the clique rather than them making sure I still belong. Tambah lagi I jauh sekarang kan? I really hope that's just me. Give them the benefit of doubt lah.

Here, I actually found people that want me to come. They want me to join. Its surreal. And I can see they're not asking me because they terpaksa ajak. They want me around. Do you know how overwhelming that is? How grateful it feels? Im being mushy. I don't care. I'm thankful. I feel blessed.

You know who you are. It might take a while for me to swim with you, but I'm glad I took the dive. I hope there will never come a day for anymore fall out. You guys have lost so much, and I felt your pain every time each of you reminisce. I don't want that to happen to you again. And if it happens to me, with any of you, I DON'T EVEN!

Thank you for having me around. You are my happy pills.

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