I nak test power, to see if I can write again.

Here's the thing. I've been in my off mood the past week right? I know I need to recompose

myself. Therefore, I tried to take my mind of things that made me, not me. Now, I'm better. I shall not assume the little, random things that happened need detailed analysis or see them as signs. I will not allow myself to fall into the same place again. I hate to see myself vulnerable. I don't think I'm ready to be that Hani who is easily hurt, who can break easily. Just because she has someone to rely on.

I've re-think about the situation. I like him, what if he likes me too? I'm sure there's nothing I will do. Absolutely nothing, because its unlike me to motion any move. The most I will do is let him know I'm happy about it. I don't want a relationship so why be too worked up on it right? Maybe the time is not now. Not yet. I am happy now. Its better for us to be friends. Its the same type of love, everlasting.

I've been around Zu and Yap a lot. And how they act around each other reminds me of how Cwoo and I was. I miss that boy so much. 2 people who are so different and yet understand each other so well. Nak bergaduh pun dengan dia. Nak menangis pun dia. Nak bebel macam emak pun dengan dia. Why laaa so jauh?

Tapi, the person who understands me most and my best friend in this life (hopefully other lives as well) is none other than my Abah. Minggu ni je dah berapa kali he texted me in the morning telling about the places we usually have our breakfast together. I miss our dates. One time, we wanted to kill time while waiting Mama to get off work, we went to Muzium Negara. Random right?

He's not exactly a person who is rajin to go out to places just because, so when opportunity like that happens, it becomes one of my favourite moments. Sometimes we go out for movies. That's even harder to convince him to come with. Because he thinks its a waste of money. Unless I picked the right movies like Transformers, LOTR, or movies based on comic/manga.

I need someone near who loves books as much as we do. Who I can talk everything to. Who always have answers. Who can reason to me. Who's older and mature, but kid like at the same time. Who is here.

The last picture is just because I'm random like that. And I like things weird. That's just me. Don't you think its so frikkin cute???

Nampak macam rapat sangat kan? I baru kenal diorang 2 bulan lepas. And they've known each other for over a year. I'm glad they're so welcoming and I can adapt easily. Sayang orang!

On another note. I decided that the people here are no longer robots. I've met my match, and some that I can knock heads with (Groban, Aunty, this means you). Seriously, they've made the transition easy. People don't ask (much), they politely ask if they really want to, and most of them just accept it. They embrace it just like I did.

The best fact: Most of them came up and said I looked cuter. Ngeh! Perasan much?

The best fact #2: Boleh ke ada best fact number 2? Anywayssss! My cousin said, now I'll know if a person likes me for who I am and not by how I look.

The best fact #3: Okay I dah tak peduli. Nak gak additional best fact. Now that I'm not bothered by how my hair looks, I feel more ME!

The best fact #4: I lagi selesa, more confident. Except when I wear the inner. Felt like a makcik with a serkup on. Can't allow myself to wear it just yet. Sebab I felt uncomfortable. It bothers me too much. The first day I put it on. It took me nearly an hour to get my shawl felt right. Only to find myself rushing to the toilet as soon as I reached class, to fix it again.

The best fact #5: Somehow I felt that more people are looking at me. Maybe because they noticed the changes. But I never feel insecure. Not once! Best feeling yet!

I'll wait for you to notice.

I am back on track! Told you I will bounce back. Thanks for being there while I was in my off mood. You guys definitely entitled to have me at my best of times. Friends for keeps? Yes, I hope. Wouldn't matter if you don't want to keep me. I'll keep you in my heart.

LoL - Lots of Love

Forgive me for my Jiwa Kacau mode (twitter hash tag which I've been flooding past few days), I promise will bounce back up soon. But as of now, leave me with my lara di jiwa. Ecewah!

Since Sunday I've been out and about on daily basis. Pergi masuk kaki dalam selut. Pergi makan kat Kelantan (tak pun, tapi jauhnya rasa macam tu). Pergi buat sibuk photoshoot PERKOM padahal bukan commitee dan tak terlibat pun. Pergi makan sushi. Pergi trip yang supposedly untuk karaoke tapi tak menjadi. Dan Ahad bakal pergi Pantai Monyet dengan AIESEC. Mungkin dah overload.

Malam semalam tengah2 malam lepas dah enjoy seharian, mood tak elok datang. Angin malam kot. Tapi sampai harini tak sudah jugak lagi. Tak tahu nak buat apa nak hilangkan benda tak best macam ni. Mungkin kena ambil balik ayat aku pernah bagi orang dulu.

"Tenangkan hati. Nampak tak berapa ramai ada di sisi taknak biar kamu sendiri.

Jangan marah hati kalau rasa yang datang belum boleh awak tangani.

Sama seperti denyut nadi pun tak boleh disuruh berhenti."

Itulah rasa aku sekarang. Itulah yang aku perang dalam diri sekarang. Aku ajar orang, sakit kalau tak bercerita. Lagi elok luahkan daripada simpan. Bukan maksud aku confess pada orang tu, tapi jangan simpan sendiri. Sebab rasa tu takkan boleh mati. Tapi aku lupa ambil kira,

bercerita pada orang, pada ramai, buat kita makin bina harapan. Each time you tell it to someone, you refresh everything, you build up feelings through all the little things.

Jadi, tiada solution yang tepat. I thought I did a good job in protecting my heart. Sebab rasanya aku tak balut, tak taruk ubat, aku cuma ciptakan lapisan keras. Tapi batu pun boleh pecah dengan titisan air kan? Kadang-kadang perkara paling halus yang buat perubahan paling besar.

Aku pun nak buat perkara halus untuk perubahan besar.

Select All > DELETE.

I wish it's really that simple.

Aku orangnya yang halus jiwa. Aku luarannya kasar, tapi isinya lerai.

Aku orang yang boleh tumpah titisan kaca dari sekecil goresan jiwa.

Aku juga boleh berharap semua pada yang datang beri petanda.

Tapi aku ada benteng yang tak mahu aku robohkan sendiri.

Skeptikal dalam diri aku terlalu tinggi.

Aku tunggu datangnya Arjuna aku.

Kalau wujudnya dia, hanya dia yang mampu.

Truth to be told, you nearly did that.

But I've said before, I'm not sure if its you.

Too soon to tell. Too soon to allow my heart to say I do.

Even in denial, I know there's too much similarities in me and you.

I don't want to want to love. Because this happens.

Always thinking of you and never saying anything to you.

I like us as friends. I would very much like us to remain friends.

Therefore, can I fall in like with you?

This morning, my English lecturer came to me with my essay in her hand. "Did you do this yourself?", she asked. "You have a flair in writing"

I'm excluding the fact that I didn't answer the essay question well, I'm just happy to hear that from her. The last time I heard that sentence was a few years back from the movie Riding in Car with Boys, for Drew Barrymore's character. And I wanted to hear that for myself. I finally did! Little things that put a smile on my face.

Alih bahasa.

Dan kelmarin, seorang kawan yang cinta bahasa Melayu dan segalanya Melayu perkatakan "Awak orang seni", memang tidaklahkan. Jauh betul aku dari makna orang seni.

Langsung debat kecil berlaku.

"No, I'm not"

"Yes, you are"

"No, I'm not"

"Yes, you are. Bahasa yang kamu guna, bahasa seni"

"No, I'm not. I know myself"

Kemudian, terfikir Johari Window. Open self, hidden self, blind self, unknown self.

Mungkin itu my blind self atau unknown self. Kan? Terima kasih kerana point it out, tapi dari mana nampaknya bahagian diri tu, awak je lah yang tahu. Saya tak nampak.

Touchdown! I'm back in Penang. Loooving it! Walaupun penat dan mengantuk sebab we pull an all-nighter. Dasar procrastinator, hampir separuh kelas buat kerja kursus 25% pada malam sebelum tarikh submit. Hebat-hebat belaka. Jenuh peras otak.

Semalam terbang pulang dengan 3 bag besar. Satu penuh dengan buku, satu penuh dengan baju kotor dan satu lagi campuran kuih raya dan baju bersih. Untunglah ada kawan-kawan yang berkereta sanggup datang kutip kami berempat di airport.

Niat asal mahu pulang ke USM, cuci baju yang kiranya memang satu almari dan terus crack my head buat assignment. 2 minggu cuti, langsung tak berusik. Beraya pun tidak. Semua salah demam teruk yang buat suara jantan gantikan suara asal. Ini pun masih sengau. Tapi bila dah berjumpa kepala-kepala gila, memang tentu-tentu lari jauh dari plan asal.

Minum petang dan waktu makan sebab terasa nak makan bawa kami ke tepi pantai. Tak tahu lah di mana. Yang pasti tempat sangat best untuk lepak dan backgroundnya, Jambatan Pulau Pinang. Reminds me of lepak session at Tanjung.

Sempat kan singsing seluar masing-masing turun ke selut. Yap lah, curious dengan makcik yang korek kepah, langsung kami ditarik juga. But I like things like this, random outings in which we discover things. Rugi kalau tak capai bila dah depan mata kan? Jadi celup kaki juga. Tapi tak segagah makcik tu mencangkung korek pasir cari kepah dan kerang. Jadi kerja pulak nak bersalut selut dan pasir balik CG. Makcik tu cakap bila air surut dia datang cari kepah dan kerang untuk makan sendiri. Masa kami tengok tu dah sebaldi penuh. Teringin jugak tapi next time je lah.

Balik, hantar Ain. Ambil pulak Zu. Pergi makan lagi. Borak lagi. Gelak-gelak lagi. Udahnya, pukul 9 baru mula buat kerja. Pukul 3 pagi, perut yang tak reti kenyang mintak di isi. Keluar lagi. Makan lagi. Tapi kali ni TERBAEK lah. Jumpa Ashraf Muslim. Hot! Masuk kedai, sebelum buntut cecah kerusi terus nampak dia. Mas yang sama2 suka dia pun excited jugak. Paling bangang, kitorang blushing and giggling macam budak sekolah. Bodoh nya! Tapi untunglah, ada bahan untuk mimpi selama seminggu. Hahahaha.

Thanks Mas, Yap, Ain and Zu for a really great first day back. I knew I missed Penang for a reason! Its not just the place, its the people too =)

Hey you sexay vixen!

Happy 21st birthday Han Yee!!! I'm sure you had a really great birthday! Without me pulak tu!

May you get your wish to be forever 21! Age is just a number, but I do hope you will have everlasting beauty and youth just the same as now, at 21, for your years to come.

Love you April Tan!

SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN!
Minta dimaafkan jika selama perkenalan ada silap dan salah saya tersalah laku dan terlanjur kata.
Tiada yang dipinta melainkan kemaafan.
Salam lebaran 1431 untuk semua.

Happy 21st birthday Sue Ann!

Please be overwhelmed and surprised and very grateful because I don't usually make special mentions on Serendipity. But because I know you are always stalking dropping by here, this is for you! We shall go for sushi for your belated birthday celebration mkay?

Harap maaf kita takde gambar together-gether, and this is the only picture of you alone that I have. Comel what! Or else you wouldn't use it as your profile pic right ;)

Have an awesome birthday for your awesome self! Love you!

Dengan jujurnya dan limpahan kasih sayang, Hani Alba Depp