I always thought when someone turns 30 they would be settled. Financially, career, with a family. Well, Im turning 30 and I dont see myself near that. All those things I imagined......far-fetched!

One of the things I’ve always planned in my head is to be married before Im 30. Mana nak tahu rupanya as you get older, you get to know people, things happened, shit happens, then your whole outlook on matrimony can change too.

If you ask me 5 years ago, I would still be receptive to the idea of getting married. Planning for a wedding, arranging seats for my VIPs - Adik & the Elders of ABCB. I have all the visuals in my head.

Everyone will be seated on chairs facing the dais, and my brother will be in the front row on his wheelchair. We’ll have Toto & Neni, Tok Wel & Tok Yah, Aki De & Wan De, Tok Teh, Mamalang & Bahalang, Pak Long & Mak Long. Important people as frontliners.

That was the dream lah. Adik passed on 5 years ago, 3 days after Tok Wel. Aki De left is in 2016. All the grand aunts are not as healthy as they used to be. That dream remains a dream.

Other things contribute to me not wanting to pursue this anymore. I dont see marriage as an accomplishment, dont see it as a need. Im at a good place. A really good place and I dont want someone to waltz in being a burden.

I dont want to gamble on commitment and loyalty. Blind faith, Im not prepared for it.
Im getting more and more difficult. Even for myself.

Okay 30, how do I prepare myself?

Im dedicating today to you, I go through all our conversations. What we talked about. Life aspirations, work dedication, family and love commitment. Not many people understood you. Your rebelliousness, your quirky behaviour, your mentality. I tried.

Im sorry I wasnt around when you were battling your demons. Im so so glad you got over it. You had the help you needed. You found your angel that patched things up for you. Im happy you appreciated her. Im thankful you no longer have dark clouds surrounding you.

You were finally heading towards a direction where things make sense for you and the people around you. You never conform to society, always the rebel. But you never stopped believing in humanity.

Thank you for giving back. I dont think many people know you spent your birthday doing charity. That’s just you. Buat jahat senyap2 tapi orang tahu. Buat baik pun senyap-senyap. Memang you taknak orang tahu.

You are loved. Ramai tak faham how you are when you were alive. But alhamdulillah rupanya ramai sayang.

The void is indeed painful. The prayer you sent for my brother, I wish the same for you. Im sure you are protected too. Insya Allah.
May you be rewarded in the afterlife.
See you on the other side. Assalammualaikum.