Apologies are in order. I apologize for behaving like an arse by being moody, cranky, distant, hard-headed, ignorant and frikkin annoying the past week.

Seriously minggu lepas was so stressful. Too stressful in fact. Satu-satu hal timbul. Dahlah yg lama tak settle, tambah lagi satu. Last weekend dapat news tak best. Tak bother sangat. Then Monday, last day of preparations for the trip. Nak pergi beli barang, nak settle hal duit, dan of goz hal bas yang sepatutnya si N handle. Pressure. The trip was okay, smooth running. Cuma I terasa jugaklah kan. Kawan2 ramai. Tapi bila mintak tolong susah sangat. I x mintak benda membebankan pun. Simple stuff je. Nak offer diri memang jauh sekali la. Ikutkan, I pun nak enjoy. Memang it was planned to be enjoyable. Tapi I have others to think about.

Bila balik I was already exhausted. Dengan keadaan panas nyer. Memang tambah panas hati. Hal sewa rumah pulak. Aih.. Hal-hal dalam rumah. Bills.

Korang, you people are the closest I have. My bestfriends, my classmates, my roommates. Lepak pun geng yang sama. Tapi cubalah faham. Tolerate lah. I nak jaga hati semua orang susah, I pun tak perfect, tapi tolonglah each other. I terasa kadang2. Orang lain komplen pasal korang kat I. It makes me feel uneasy. Serba-salah. Kita semua sama2 tak elok, rajin pun tak. Tapi bila dah share macam2, sama2 lah tanggung,

Kalau nak lepas diri, I boleh buat, Memang I buat pun kadang-kadang. I need to escape. Lagi elok I jauhkan diri sekejap, or senyapkan diri daripada I burst out kat any of you. I pun tak suka bila mood swing I macam haram. Terasa nak marah. Rasa annoyed, with everything. Especially myself.

Seriously, sorry. Korang nak bengang dengan I ke apa silakan. I know partly its my fault. Kalau jadi benda2 macam ni..memang both sides salah. Xde nye satu je. Sorry Phia, Sorry Sara. And most of all you, Im sorry Yana. I didn’t mean to burst out like that.

Im sorry.

P/s: I tau korang takkan baca unless ada gambar. Hehehehehe

In an attempt of de-stressing myself, I accept Nana’s invitation to go to Girl Fest at Noisy Studio. Tengok Naz perform with Vermillion. That girl got groove! Dahlah bass lagi besar dari badan.

After picking Ann up, Abah hantar pegi Noisy. Pukul 2.30 sampai sana gig x start lagi. Crowd pun tarak. So lepak minum dulu dengan Ann. Ann is actually Rauf’s (my bestfriend) ex-girlfriend. Tapi we still click! Second time jumpa dia actually. Borak2 of goz topic paling banyak kluar is him. My him and her him. Aih. Dua-dua pun x get over lagi rupanya.

Talking to her, listening to her, complaining to her.. rasa cm reality sinks in. Throughout the whole day, Ann je yang calms me. I was feeling down, dengan nervous, rasa nak muntah. Lengkap lah semua symptoms tu. About 4 nak masuk gig, noticed Shasha, Arie’s sis jaga ticket. Went over to say hi. Betul lah she’s cute. Susah to dislike orang cute. No reason to dislike her pun.

The 1^st band I didn’t catch their name. The 2^nd one is Naz’s band, Vermilion. Layan! Zmart lah dorang. All-girl band. Guitarist pakai tudung pula pun. Lagu core. Snap a few pics tp Naz kept looking the other way. Afterwards, terus keluar ambik angin.
Was I prepared to get the shock for the day? Hell, No!

Lepak luar, meet up with Nana. Finally! Then noticed Kuyeh. Tegur je lah. Sekali, ambik kau! Bersepah kat the side area- where I lepak with him a while back, his friends. Darryl noticed me, so I said hi dan cepat2 move towards Nana and Naz. Tak berapa lama lepak, waaahhh Wawa datang! Effin A’! If the situation is not awkward enough. Nasib baik I got Ann with me.

It wasn’t that awkward seeing Wawa. Lagi nervous seeing the guys tu kot. Masuk dalam balik. Tried enjoying the performance tapi hardcore. Aku layan pulak hardcore kan. Boleh lah. Cuma kepala tengah semak. Dan asek terasa nak muntah.

Aih! Fikir tak habis sebelum datang. Nama pun tempat hardcore. Memang bound to bump into a lot of people la kan. Paling kelakar, before gig starts. a girl with big electrocuted curly hair came to me, wave dengan sgt hyper nyer and asked ‘u keje PDI kan?’ hahaha sumpah kelakar. I think its the organiser kot. Dunia kecik. Second time org tanya. Rock-O-Mania dah sekali.

Hmm tapi rasa pelik pergi gig setelah lama tak pegi, tanpa ditemani kawan laki. Tak pernah lagi lah setakat ni. Afterwards in the car on the way balik rumah, Abah taktau datang angin boleh pulak tune to another station other than Sinar.FM. Elok jugak, xyah dengar lagu2 depressing.

Paling elok lah! Berderet keluar lagu menyakitkan hati. Aku paling benci bila mood tgh low, lagu-lagu yang keluar mesti nak tuju tepat habis. Ironic kan? Memang seronok layan back-to-back Sempurna-Coba-The Reason-Matahariku-Cinta Yang Sempurna-Berhenti Berharap-Siapa Aku. Then kuar lagu Mila. Funky2 sket, Abah pulak terus tukar station. Aih!

Pounding headache. Thinking too much.
Al0ne, tried to sleep. Didn't happen.
Called him, talked. Express. Listen.
Heard, stunned.

And then, start thinking again.
About a whole another thing.
Dah.

Today, looking forward to going out.
Somehow found internet access.
Stalked. Gag reflex.
Not of loath but stunned. Again.

* * * * *

Kenapa jenis fickle minded sgt? Kan senang just stick to the plan to not burden yourself with relationship? Pandai lagi start. Kan skarang dah terjebak. Aih!

Need to find own space. With everyone. If he wants avoid, biarkan. Tak jauh mana pun hilang. Area sama. As for the rest, friends are what it is. Sakit hati pun ya, xde mereka pun xleh. Senang cerita jangan runsing2, semakkan kepala fikirkan org lain. Ada pulak dorang fikirkan pasal ko?

Penatlah. Looking forward for semester break. Break shooting drama. Ha-ha!

Setelah pulang dari Bagan Lalang tadi, pergi makan dengan Andre, Ken and Pija.
Sambil makan dengar news Barrack Obama won!

Ken buat statement 'rosak lah Amerika lepas ni!'
To which my reply was 'Biarlah black president pulak. Berpuluh tahun white president pun memang dah rosak!'

Kan?
Serba-sedikit gambar. Collage terus, senang! Malas nk upload satu2. Dan ya, itu lecturer sy yang sedang tidur. First skali yg lena dlm bas. Jemm!

• It can make a person change him/herself willingly for another.

And in most cases, willingness doesn't necessarily means honesty.
I tried it once, it nearly happened. My changes was too shut up more so that people don't see me as nosy, goody-two-shoes, loud, attention seeking bitch. Im fine with that. It was changes for the better. But in the process, i started to lose myself.

Yes, im changing. But not as planned. I must have something wrong when i am questioning myself about my life. Im suppose to know what is happening because I am the one controlling my life. Not Abah, not Mama and definitely not him. They guide, they help along the way, but they don't control. Not suppose to.

• Its a long term commitment.

Of feelings, of love, of interest, of learning and of sacrifice. The simple way of explaining things is I have commitment issues. The long and twisty explaination is Im not ready. I have short attention span, I need to learn what i need to do before actually doing things. Truth is, I need to learn about myself, get to know me and only then I can get to know other people.

• It requires acceptance.

I am complex. Accepting me means accepting my BIG family, my disable brother, my imperfections and everything ugly about me. Especially my mood swings and my temper. I have found someone who did all that. Who accepts, willing to change and already commit himself to me. But i let him go.

- - - - - - - - - - -

19 days since I end it. Since I last saw him, and I finally let go. Truth to be said, its not easy. It never is. No matter the fact I was the one who want it. Calling it quits might be ending it. Tapi letting go, that take time. For a week, i was okay. Living under the perception of others that i was still with him. I don't mind. Don't make it point for everyone to know. Who knows, knows. Who doesn't, don't need to. Up till now I still sleep with that black hoodie. A habit I need to get rid of.

You were once my serendipity.
You were the reason, my fortunate accident
Take care freddy. I wish you well. I want to see you with a brilliant future ahead.