Im going to be really honest in this post. I think I haven't been writing enough cat out of the bag posts lately.

Let me tell you the story about my decision to don the hijab. The decision wasn't abrupt, I have thought about covering myself for a while prior to actually doing it. I didnt grow up dressing skimpy sexy or very revealing. I do have the occasional shorts, really short shorts, but never sleeveless. Although I did have the experience of wearing low cut tops.

Anyway! The time I decided to cover my hair was in my first year at USM. We had a 2 weeks break for Eid, and I just decided to grab the shawl and head to the airport. No one said anything but Im sure Mama and Abah secretly screamed Alhamdulillah.

The journey to the change was well received. I didn't had any weird questions. But I remember for a week I had adoring looks from many different people I know and dont. Looking back, I believe I made the right choice.

Especially because things started to get harder from there. My challenge was never about the need to show my hair again. It was about being modest in terms of character. I have never been the poise, demure type. Im loud, I like having fun, I laugh the loudest and Im always agreeable to nights out or a lepak session. I had a fair share of that back in Penang. I go places. I do things unlady-like, and obviously not portraying a modest, covered, Muslim woman at all. I want to leave all that in Penang.

But, I live in KL. Where most people say they become culture shock. I became culture shocked in Penang. Hahahaha. So those things never really left me. Now I work in the events line. I joined the bigger league. Upgraded. Bigger, older, more experienced players.

And they see right through. I was told by one that I recently hang out with. "Hani, you got into the wrong department. Yes, you may be able to do the work. But its not you. Bukan jiwa kau. You like working with the boys. You are aggressive. And I can definitely picture you with yellow boots commanding everyone."

Damn. Maybe he's right.

I believe in chances, but sometimes I don't believe myself. I know I am able to do the work, but what I know more is that I will not be able to decline temptations long term. The other side of work means another type of leisure. One that is attractive but not always right.

In that case, I put my faith in God. And this piece of cloth on my head. To remind myself. And to restraint my actions. InsyaAllah.

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