I haven't been blogging because I simply do not have the time and the wants to share my life here anymore. In order to ignite the passion, and to practice my rusty writing skills I thought I would write this.

What have I been up to since 2019?

The year started with a trip in my favourite country, Korea. My kampung away from home. That was a blast. And a proper holiday and the last one I will have in a while since we purchased a house!

Yup, we got a place in Kuantan for Mama and Abah to have a place called home. So after almost 11 years of us renting in Keramat, we finally moved to Kuantan officially in August 2020. This is a whole another story. 

I ended the year with a yoga #Tigapuluhani birthday party for 30 of my closest friends, this time making time to celebrate with a lot of people instead of travelling like I usually do. I also sent out 300 postcards for friends and family members. Something to remember me by, and of gratitude to all of them who made me who I am.

2020 the roundup

hmmm we had a normal January & February until all hell break lose in March. For the first time ever, a nationwide scratch that, a worldwide total lockdown was enforced where no one is allowed to leave their houses for own safety due to the COVID-19 outbreak.

This was hell because many people do not know how to handle this forced lifestyle change, become stressed and made other people stress. This situation was homewrecking for some, and it was hard but people learn to adapt.

Everything went virtual. You name it, classes, work, meetings, conferences, parties, weddings, conversations, all went online. People cook, made dalgona coffee, sharpen their ID skills, collect and nurture plants. Some celebrities made daily live shows for their social media followers. I had 7 to 12 fishies as my home office colleagues. 

Things were OK at first. It was bearable. But the first lockdown went on for 3 months. Business were affected. Income lost. People struggled. Many people lost their jobs. 

Me? I developed anxiety. Have had many attacks, lived with sweaty palms, constant worry and palpitations. Sleeping patterns worsen. I cry all the time.

Spent Ramadhan and Aidilfitri just the 3 of us (and next door). By August, my parents moved out from the KL home and have shifted to Kuantan permanently. Initially it was alright. I learned how to be on my own.

End of 2020, I resumed my birthday trip but I couldn't travel so I used the opportunity to be home in Beserah. Thus the #BeserahBirthdayTrip!

You just gotta make full use of what you have -resource, opportunity, availability. Which I definitely did. Every chance I get to Work From Home long term, I go back to Kuantan and stay there for a couple of months. 

2021 so far.....

• I started the year with a virtual conference we handled. Cray crayyy.
• And then I got a kitten! I named her Sukma and then I got another kitten I named Atma.
• Nana got married. Imran got married. These 2 got married when majlis were allowed to happen so sempatlah merasa human interaction.
• Spent Ramadhan in KL, without my parents but managed to spent it with various household Im welcomed to. Theres always a seat for me in Semenyih, Sering Ukay, Cyberjaya, Abg Ayis & Kak Lisha’s, Ya’s and of course Mummy’s.
• Got through half of Ramadhan with plans laid out for iftar until cross district travel is put to halt again.
• Spent raya in KL without my parents. It was a virtual raya round 2!
• Got my first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine. Had most of the side effects

• The cyber security project I was working on since 2018 finally happened after 3 postponement.
• Definitely lost myself. Struggled so much with despair. Anxiety heightens. Just trying to keep it together, professionally.
• Virtual raya haji. Went to get second dose of vaccination - was down for a week after that.

• Had a few close cousins infected by COVID-19. 
• Returned home, made decision to change lifestyle & routine because this way of life is not cutting it for me. I'm demotivated, lethargic all the time, I cry too much, get affected so easily. I'm just done.

That's where we are at so far. I’m now on a quest to find myself again. To look for things that will bring joy to me. Not something Im good at. But things I can be good at, that I will enjoy working hard for. Im up for a new adventure. It will not be easy, Im willing to go thorough it. 

InsyaAllah semoga dipermudahkan.

I always thought when someone turns 30 they would be settled. Financially, career, with a family. Well, Im turning 30 and I dont see myself near that. All those things I imagined......far-fetched!

One of the things I’ve always planned in my head is to be married before Im 30. Mana nak tahu rupanya as you get older, you get to know people, things happened, shit happens, then your whole outlook on matrimony can change too.

If you ask me 5 years ago, I would still be receptive to the idea of getting married. Planning for a wedding, arranging seats for my VIPs - Adik & the Elders of ABCB. I have all the visuals in my head.

Everyone will be seated on chairs facing the dais, and my brother will be in the front row on his wheelchair. We’ll have Toto & Neni, Tok Wel & Tok Yah, Aki De & Wan De, Tok Teh, Mamalang & Bahalang, Pak Long & Mak Long. Important people as frontliners.

That was the dream lah. Adik passed on 5 years ago, 3 days after Tok Wel. Aki De left is in 2016. All the grand aunts are not as healthy as they used to be. That dream remains a dream.

Other things contribute to me not wanting to pursue this anymore. I dont see marriage as an accomplishment, dont see it as a need. Im at a good place. A really good place and I dont want someone to waltz in being a burden.

I dont want to gamble on commitment and loyalty. Blind faith, Im not prepared for it.
Im getting more and more difficult. Even for myself.

Okay 30, how do I prepare myself?

Im dedicating today to you, I go through all our conversations. What we talked about. Life aspirations, work dedication, family and love commitment. Not many people understood you. Your rebelliousness, your quirky behaviour, your mentality. I tried.

Im sorry I wasnt around when you were battling your demons. Im so so glad you got over it. You had the help you needed. You found your angel that patched things up for you. Im happy you appreciated her. Im thankful you no longer have dark clouds surrounding you.

You were finally heading towards a direction where things make sense for you and the people around you. You never conform to society, always the rebel. But you never stopped believing in humanity.

Thank you for giving back. I dont think many people know you spent your birthday doing charity. That’s just you. Buat jahat senyap2 tapi orang tahu. Buat baik pun senyap-senyap. Memang you taknak orang tahu.

You are loved. Ramai tak faham how you are when you were alive. But alhamdulillah rupanya ramai sayang.

The void is indeed painful. The prayer you sent for my brother, I wish the same for you. Im sure you are protected too. Insya Allah.
May you be rewarded in the afterlife.
See you on the other side. Assalammualaikum.

Until I’ve met a man who has no issues to say he’s sorry, not too proud to apologise - dont bother asking when I will settle down. Probably never.

How can a man be so reliable to everyone else except for the people in his household? I can never understand that.

One cannot expect to be pleased by another when no effort is done on his part. It doesn't require grand gestures. Something so little in everyday life is acceptable (not to mention expected).

How to fix something that someone else broke?

After 2 months of hiatus from attending weddings every weekend (yes, I attend weddings every weekend - that's my favourite past time. And because in Islam its our kewajipan to another Muslim. I'll list it down below), I was super excited to attend a White Wedding in Teratak Murni!

Achik Kerry got married (ehem!) to his wife Kak Ammilia on Saturday the 8th of April. And because this is not the first marriage for the pair, they decided to have small, simple, sempoi minum petang (tea time reception) the next day on the 9th.

Though I was informed that there's not much to be done since its not exactly a reception, I did come back a day earlier. Hey, it's a wedding - of course there's something to be done. And being a close knit family like we are - too many surprises!

• Toto & Neni prepared 100pcs doorgift for the guests. I bought Ferrero Rocher in Langkawi as requested by Toto and simply passed it to Achik in Langkawi for him to bring back to KL . (The groom didn't even know it was meant for his wedding)
• Ya & Ayaq bought 2 cakes for the occasion and Kak Aisha also bought one, we only found out about all these cakes through WhatsApp conversation when the groom requested for an anniversary cake for Toto & Neni and a joined birthday cake for April babies.
• Tantiey & Along decided to decorate the wakaf and arch for photo taking purposes, and Tantiey being the super crafty person that she is - even created pinata filled with chocs for the kids.
• There was a lottttt of plastic and tissue flowers required for the deco and I am not at all a DIY person - but I helped.

The morning of the wedding, we were all still preparing for the makan-makan later and did not change until 30minutes before the event. But my my my, it was soooooo lovely seeing all of us in white and light tones - a merry gathering in the rain.

   

YES, it poured! But didn't stop anybody from enjoying the time. I loveeee family time. 

To Achik, may this marriage last until the end of time. You already know how I feel about you finally having a family of your own. Indescribable feeling. What more you, who's been wanting it for so long.

Kak Ammilia and sons - Azriff & Ayden, welcome to the family! You guys complete Achik. I am happy for you as much as I am for him. Good luck raising 3 boys Kak Amy!

Footnote: as mentioned earlier, here's the list of  duties/obligations of one Muslim to another

1. To give and receive the greeting of peace - Assalammualaikum
2. To respond to invitations - thus the reason I am always attending weddings
3. To advise when asked - give beneficial opinion, one you would like to hear yourself
4. to pray for well-being of one who sneezed - you've heard before when someone says Bless You. Same concept.
5. To visit one who is ailing - the best of the righteous deeds, to ease their worries.
6. To attend his/her funeral - it is obligatory.

Can you tell me

How can one miss what she's never had

How could I reminisce when there is no past

How could I have memories of being happy with you

Could someone tell me how can this be

How could my mind pull up incidents

- Almost, Tamia 

I hope this will not take years for me to get over. Historically, it does. Maybe this time it wont?

Here, my hateful playlist. I am actually a happy person. Let me get this out of my system first ok.

Quick guess what this post will be about? Pisau Cukur literally translates as shaver but in Malay, it is an idiom (?) which means a gold digger.

It is also the movie title for a Malay chick flick set dominantly on a cruise. Bukan Titanic je movie set on a cruise okay.

Last December, alhamdulillah I was given the opportunity to board StarCruise Libra for 5 nights fully sponsored by them. A cruise vacation have been in my wishlist since I was (probably) 7. Ya and I shared this dream together after listening to Neni's stories about her own cruise vacations. We wanted to do it as our graduation trip but that plan never fall through. InsyaAllah we will be able to in near future.

StarCruise Libra collaborated with 12Fly.com and arrange 2 trips for us. We embarked the ship from Penang's Port Swettenham, sailed away, spent the night high sea and returned to Penang. Disembarked the ship, walked around Penang's Beach Road and had a mini makan session because Penang. And returned to board the ship again for our next trip: Penang - Phuket - Krabi - Penang.


Before I give you the day to day experience, I have to announce this first. I LOVED EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF IT! I am a mono-phobic so travelling alone is not fun for me. However, being on a cruise is totally different. I was alone but never lonely. I felt safe and happy. For single ladies looking for an escape, you should consider going on a cruise. It's not even THAT expensive. Maybe it was back then. And the reputation somehow remain strong. But for a 4days 3nights trip with 2 stopovers in Phuket and Krabi, its only RM1200 per person. Check out their website for more information about available trips.

Right, let's get on to it!

In the next post.......sorry2, I have to split it to 3 parts. This will be the introduction. The next one, 1 day trip to Penang high sea and the last one - all about the 4 days 3 nights trip.

I have decided.

I'm 27, it's time I do things for myself. No more trying to please people around me. Try to jaga hati a lot of people.

I have made progress. I learn to cut of toxic relationship. I untangle myself from unworthy friendships and I stopped making efforts to those who dont deserve my time.

So for the most part, I managed.

Only this bit right here. Which I have been holding on for the past 2 years. 2 damn years.

And the progress is so slow, the tortoise AND the rabbit both crossed the finishing line already.

I don't have time anymore. I want to commit but not to someone who is unsure. I have made it known, and still no decision anywhere.

Neither here nor there.

I got it wrong all this while. I can't cut you off,  you're never there for me to cut off.

I should cut myself off.

That's it.

This place needs a lot of dusting! I've been wanting to be back but daily, I seem to prefer to waste my time staring at my phone screen.

Why the sudden decision to blog? I need to find writing mood as I have a 4 page write-up that I need to deliver tomorrow. Article will be about Black Sea tourism. A lot of imagination needed and also good flair in lifestyle writing.

Which sad to say, if soooo rusty on my end. 

Anyways, 2015 was a tough year. And 2016 to me is a teacher. I experienced many things and learned so much more about myself. I have 3 years before I turn 30. I will always continue working on myself so this is my reminder to myself.

1. To make peace with my decision to stay despite receiving an offer.
2. To not be a coward and push through Masters application.
3. To make time for the family. 
4. To stay home more.
5. To do my laundry weekly.
6. To pray. Do all 5 daily, and solat Dhuha before I leave for work.
7. To speak nicely to others especially those I am not fond of - because I know I need a lot of work on this.
8. To be emotionally tougher.
9. To make amends with people who have hurt me.
10. To continue with social media detox.
11. To be selective with whom I invest my efforts to.
12. To know when to let go.
13. To quit bad habits.
14. To find the right listener - the one I can depend on.
15. To fulfill some expectations.
16. To manage finances better.
17. To sedekah to and on behalf of Adik more.
18. To appreciate those who want to be in my life.
19. To wander more and wonder less.
20. To be happy.

InsyaAllah.

I have this exact image printed and pasted on my office cubicle panel. Right next to me. As a constant reminder to be baik. So far I'm able to live according to the suggestions and feel proud that I managed to tick many from the liste.

I am having problem with number 9, trying really hard with number 20 and have no control with number 1.

Just thought of sharing this with my readers - if I still have any. Do things that make you feel good, once you get that inner peace, everything else just comes to you.

For me, alhamdulillah. I really have to thank Allah. Of late, I felt that apa I nak, semua dapat. What ever I asked for, I get it. I now see that by being appreciative, things become easier for me.

How do I put it? Maybe when I was younger, I asked for too much and had no patience. Now, because I learned to let go, to not expect too much, apa yang dapat I terima dan syukur.

And I have to share something. I am a believer of sedekah. Have always been but recently, got strengthen even more. I read a story about someone who felt that his 10k salary never being enough compared to his previous salary which was so much lesser. His solution? To make sure he gives out 10% of his salary monthly as sedekah. The problem never occurred again. There's always money, alhamdulillah.

My story. After reading that, I thought OK maybe I should give out more. Every time I visit my brother's grave I will allocate some amount for the donation box. The advice given was, give out the bigger amount and not your loose change. So that day, I gave the biggest note I had.

Alhamdulillah, to this day I still have cash for daily usage. Usually at the end of the month my wallet will be dried out already. This month I'm doing quite fine. And that is inclusive of travelling. MasyaAllah.

I am still striving to be better. I hope I can give more in future insyAllah in return I will benefit more.

In efforts to fix myself, remove negativity, eliminate toxic people - I've become a recluse. I noticed I didn't like it much because I am so not an introvert. I loveeeeeee being around people, big crowds. But it's necessary. Change is necessary, change can be good. This change specifically is for the good.

So ennui and lethargy has been my constant companion recently. The only remedy for me is my huge family. They're my happy pills, my positive injection. I have friends around me who have been helping too. Just by being around, they don't know how much they mean to me. Really.

My constant reminder to myself right now is just to be good. To do good. Let go. Some things are not meant to stay. There's a silver lining why I don't get what I want right now. Maybe it's the time - not yet. Maybe I'm not ready - emotionally, financially. Forget physicality - never made much impact.

Give chance to yourself. To be the best version of yourself. InsyaAllah. Sometimes I hate that I turn to Allah only when I am at my lowest point. But I read somewhere that maybe the difficulties are sent to you as a reminder, of how much He is missing you and want you to remember Him too.

Alhamdulillah. Tak sangka begitu bertuah dalam ramai-ramai, masih ada ruang untuk dipilih.

Terima kasih. Thank you. I give myself to you. As I've always belonged to you. And I hope I will always remember that. Don't let me go please.

I'll make You my #relationshipgoals :)

Salam Aidilfitri!

Not too late I hope. Been away for too long. Had no time for myself, what more to write for leisure.
How was your Eid? Great I hope!

Mine was good. Can be better. Unlike our usual ABCB raya in Pekan, this year we had to shift the venue to Kuantan since there's a water shortage in the area.

Was not really looking forward to it as I was so sure that things would be different. It was. The raya feel was lesser.

Oh well, main thing is we all managed to be with each other.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri evrybadeh! Mohon dimaafkan semua kesalahan yang disedari juga yang tidak. Last Ramadhan, I've initiated to be the better version of myself and not be angry all the time. InsyaAllah, semoga this change will continue and I'm able to get the result I seek.

Assalammualaikum.

I am the type of person who writes whenever I need to cope with sadness. i used to blog all the time. And then it was on Facebook status, responses were immediate. i didnt like it much. I moved to Twitter - the messages get dilluted by others' faster. But that means it gets small amount of readership. Maybe none, people will just scroll it up.

And then theres Instagram. Where people collect likes and try to outdo each other with photographs. Giving impression that life is all rainbows and unicorns tapi sebenarnya kuda padi je.

Nevertheless, I am one of those people too. For years I've been all positive in my Instagram. Until recently when major things happened. I started jotting my thoughts and upload it as pictures rather than writing it on the caption. I started with #AStoryADay and now shifted to #MidnightMicroblogging

Lets face it, like many Malaysian - my followers dont read too. They click like because photos are pretty, girls are hot, abs, overpriced food etc etc. Thus the reason I will not participate in collecting likes. If I do, my social experiment will be a major failure.

Thats it. 

To more things to look forward to in 2016.

Happiness,

Quality time,

People to love.

InsyaAllah.

I never meant for Serendipity to be depressing.

But thats all Ive been.

And every time I feel bad - I put it into writing.

I dont know when or how it happened, 

but Ive lost my drive.

The drive to want, to aspire, to strive.

The drive to be open, to make effort, to allow.

Ive lost my dream. 

I forgot my aim. 

Im simply, there.

Im lost.

I feel forgotten.

Im in despair.

Im still hopeful.

I just wish to always remember

The desire 

To laugh

To love

To live

Ultimately

To remember my life

This was meant to be a 1 para FB post - after I saw photos and read news of Tunku Jalil's passing. But then feelings flooded in. When youre alone and exhausted, steer away from nostalgia and sadness. Its a black hole.

"When you have experienced great lost, you become vulnerable. I cry watching other people coping with lost. Its like I am reliving mine 😢

I never questioned why I never got the chance to be in attendance when my brother passed, because I know God is giving me the chance to overcome grief.

For He knows there would not be any strenght left in me had I been present. I left him, I said goodbye.

As selfish it may be, I was the one who went away. He didnt leave me.

In loving memories and painful heartache, I miss you Adik."

Self pick me up. Could use a #glassofhope right now. Tapi xde so I will share what my friends shared with me.

Buat baik pun orang kata fake. Baik sangat orang kata ada niat lain. Naluri manusia.

Bila orang benci, orang dengki. Jangan hirau.

Orang tak nampak apa yang Tuhan tarik untuk dapat benda2 baik.

Kalau buruk pada diri, ambil iktibar. Cuba ubah. Kalau buruk pada hati, itu naluri. Tetap boleh ubah.

Kalau ramai orang suka pun you tetap takkan happy. Jadi sentiasa jadi diri sendiri.

Back in 2010, when the Hallyu wave started and people only secretly love KPop I’ve already got myself hopelessly in love with the idea of Korea as my preferred travelling destination. Thanks to their variety show 2Days1Night that show around the hidden gem in Korea and the best food it can offer, I’m hooked!

Finally, I got the opportunity to visit Korea last December and I took that chance to have my own 2Days1Night adventure in Busan & Geoje. My journey began with a nerve wrecking solo journey via public transportation to the Seoul Station to catch my pre-booked KTX train to Busan. I managed to get there early and sorted out my tickets and even walked down to the platform 15 minutes ahead of schedule.

I was told that the Korean is as punctual as the Japanese so everyone I know warned me to make sure I am there before the train arrives because the train will not wait for me. And so I wait. 5 minute until departure time, the train is still not there. I started to panic. Until I realised, I got to the wrong platform!

In my fuzzy panicky mind, I ran up the stairs, made sure I'm heading to right platform and sprint all the way to the seat. Made it just in time before it departed. What a way to start my journey to Busan.

Seoul was freezing cold, especially for a newbie to winter countries. Busan, situated closer to the seas, is a whole another level. As I exit the Busan station, the chilly wind greeted me with a strong gush. I retracted back in, zipped up my jacket, collected all my strength to endure the cold and marched out! Nevermind the cold, I’m in Busan! The hometown of Ok Taecyeon of 2PM, my celebrity crush.

The first destination in Busan was to Gamcheon Cultural Village! You may found it familiar if you watch Running Man. Particularly the episode with guest star, Choi Ji Woo. I found the colourful place so beautiful. Each alley is covered with different vibrant colours and street art. It’s like walking into a shooting location but the whole cultural village is actually a residential area. You will see kimchi pots outside the homes and if you’re lucky, some dried fish hanging.

Gamcheon Cultural Village is a must-see area when you’re in Busan. What I love the most is the fact that when you snap your photo with the village as your background, it looks like a lively backdrop. See for it yourself.

8.07am, London. 3.07pm, Malaysia. 17 September 2015.

Yes, I am in London. A few days after the passing of my brother. Actually, I was on the plane when he passed. I boarded the plane at 9.50am, 13 September 2015. Adik passed away not too long after that. At 10.30am. It's like he let me go first. He knows I will turn back if I found out.

My parents did not tell me too. I guess they knew too. I would just decide to not continue with this London trip. Something they have wanted for me more than I want for myself. I remember Abah telling me once, "I want so many things for you but I cannot afford it. Look where you are now, so many people are giving you opportunities, things I only imagined for you."

I don't blame them.

To let your daughter leave, and to see your son go. On the same day, at the same time.
It's okay Mama, Abah. One of us will come home to you. And the other will wait for you.

Adik, I had a hard week but when I heard you were rushed to the hospital, my blood drained. I went to see you, I broke down a few times watching you. But never in front of Mama. She was very vulnerable, she lost her uncle the day before. I'm sorry I did not spend the night accompanying you in the emergency ward.

On Saturday, I only managed to come see you after midnight. So selfish of me. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was the last time for us to spend together. It hurt me to leave you Adik. I don't know why but that night when I talked to you, I asked for your forgiveness. For not spending more time with you. For not taking care of you. For leaving you. And I asked you to wait for me to come home to you.

But you will not be there waiting for me like you always do.

How I wish for once last hug and kiss. I'm trying to be strong Adik. I am doing fine because I am grieving alone. Maybe this is Allah's plan for us. For me to remember you being alive the last time I saw you.

Al Fatihah. I hope I will be granted chance to be in heaven with you. Thank you for waiting for Mama and Abah, I've always been thankful you secured their place there, I'll come see you when I am allowed to.

InsyaAllah.

How do I cope?

I have not seen or feel the difference. So how do I cope? I've not known it.

Its already weird when you are the one receiving condolence messages.

I am not home, so I do not know how I am coping.

Al Fatihah. Zamil Fahmi bin Ahmad Fahmi, 23 November 1992 - 13 September 2015.