I haven't been blogging because I simply do not have the time and the wants to share my life here anymore. In order to ignite the passion, and to practice my rusty writing skills I thought I would write this.

What have I been up to since 2019?

The year started with a trip in my favourite country, Korea. My kampung away from home. That was a blast. And a proper holiday and the last one I will have in a while since we purchased a house!

Yup, we got a place in Kuantan for Mama and Abah to have a place called home. So after almost 11 years of us renting in Keramat, we finally moved to Kuantan officially in August 2020. This is a whole another story. 

I ended the year with a yoga #Tigapuluhani birthday party for 30 of my closest friends, this time making time to celebrate with a lot of people instead of travelling like I usually do. I also sent out 300 postcards for friends and family members. Something to remember me by, and of gratitude to all of them who made me who I am.

2020 the roundup

hmmm we had a normal January & February until all hell break lose in March. For the first time ever, a nationwide scratch that, a worldwide total lockdown was enforced where no one is allowed to leave their houses for own safety due to the COVID-19 outbreak.

This was hell because many people do not know how to handle this forced lifestyle change, become stressed and made other people stress. This situation was homewrecking for some, and it was hard but people learn to adapt.

Everything went virtual. You name it, classes, work, meetings, conferences, parties, weddings, conversations, all went online. People cook, made dalgona coffee, sharpen their ID skills, collect and nurture plants. Some celebrities made daily live shows for their social media followers. I had 7 to 12 fishies as my home office colleagues. 

Things were OK at first. It was bearable. But the first lockdown went on for 3 months. Business were affected. Income lost. People struggled. Many people lost their jobs. 

Me? I developed anxiety. Have had many attacks, lived with sweaty palms, constant worry and palpitations. Sleeping patterns worsen. I cry all the time.

Spent Ramadhan and Aidilfitri just the 3 of us (and next door). By August, my parents moved out from the KL home and have shifted to Kuantan permanently. Initially it was alright. I learned how to be on my own.

End of 2020, I resumed my birthday trip but I couldn't travel so I used the opportunity to be home in Beserah. Thus the #BeserahBirthdayTrip!

You just gotta make full use of what you have -resource, opportunity, availability. Which I definitely did. Every chance I get to Work From Home long term, I go back to Kuantan and stay there for a couple of months. 

2021 so far.....

• I started the year with a virtual conference we handled. Cray crayyy.
• And then I got a kitten! I named her Sukma and then I got another kitten I named Atma.
• Nana got married. Imran got married. These 2 got married when majlis were allowed to happen so sempatlah merasa human interaction.
• Spent Ramadhan in KL, without my parents but managed to spent it with various household Im welcomed to. Theres always a seat for me in Semenyih, Sering Ukay, Cyberjaya, Abg Ayis & Kak Lisha’s, Ya’s and of course Mummy’s.
• Got through half of Ramadhan with plans laid out for iftar until cross district travel is put to halt again.
• Spent raya in KL without my parents. It was a virtual raya round 2!
• Got my first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine. Had most of the side effects

• The cyber security project I was working on since 2018 finally happened after 3 postponement.
• Definitely lost myself. Struggled so much with despair. Anxiety heightens. Just trying to keep it together, professionally.
• Virtual raya haji. Went to get second dose of vaccination - was down for a week after that.

• Had a few close cousins infected by COVID-19. 
• Returned home, made decision to change lifestyle & routine because this way of life is not cutting it for me. I'm demotivated, lethargic all the time, I cry too much, get affected so easily. I'm just done.

That's where we are at so far. I’m now on a quest to find myself again. To look for things that will bring joy to me. Not something Im good at. But things I can be good at, that I will enjoy working hard for. Im up for a new adventure. It will not be easy, Im willing to go thorough it. 

InsyaAllah semoga dipermudahkan.

I always thought when someone turns 30 they would be settled. Financially, career, with a family. Well, Im turning 30 and I dont see myself near that. All those things I imagined......far-fetched!

One of the things I’ve always planned in my head is to be married before Im 30. Mana nak tahu rupanya as you get older, you get to know people, things happened, shit happens, then your whole outlook on matrimony can change too.

If you ask me 5 years ago, I would still be receptive to the idea of getting married. Planning for a wedding, arranging seats for my VIPs - Adik & the Elders of ABCB. I have all the visuals in my head.

Everyone will be seated on chairs facing the dais, and my brother will be in the front row on his wheelchair. We’ll have Toto & Neni, Tok Wel & Tok Yah, Aki De & Wan De, Tok Teh, Mamalang & Bahalang, Pak Long & Mak Long. Important people as frontliners.

That was the dream lah. Adik passed on 5 years ago, 3 days after Tok Wel. Aki De left is in 2016. All the grand aunts are not as healthy as they used to be. That dream remains a dream.

Other things contribute to me not wanting to pursue this anymore. I dont see marriage as an accomplishment, dont see it as a need. Im at a good place. A really good place and I dont want someone to waltz in being a burden.

I dont want to gamble on commitment and loyalty. Blind faith, Im not prepared for it.
Im getting more and more difficult. Even for myself.

Okay 30, how do I prepare myself?

Im dedicating today to you, I go through all our conversations. What we talked about. Life aspirations, work dedication, family and love commitment. Not many people understood you. Your rebelliousness, your quirky behaviour, your mentality. I tried.

Im sorry I wasnt around when you were battling your demons. Im so so glad you got over it. You had the help you needed. You found your angel that patched things up for you. Im happy you appreciated her. Im thankful you no longer have dark clouds surrounding you.

You were finally heading towards a direction where things make sense for you and the people around you. You never conform to society, always the rebel. But you never stopped believing in humanity.

Thank you for giving back. I dont think many people know you spent your birthday doing charity. That’s just you. Buat jahat senyap2 tapi orang tahu. Buat baik pun senyap-senyap. Memang you taknak orang tahu.

You are loved. Ramai tak faham how you are when you were alive. But alhamdulillah rupanya ramai sayang.

The void is indeed painful. The prayer you sent for my brother, I wish the same for you. Im sure you are protected too. Insya Allah.
May you be rewarded in the afterlife.
See you on the other side. Assalammualaikum.

Until I’ve met a man who has no issues to say he’s sorry, not too proud to apologise - dont bother asking when I will settle down. Probably never.

How can a man be so reliable to everyone else except for the people in his household? I can never understand that.

One cannot expect to be pleased by another when no effort is done on his part. It doesn't require grand gestures. Something so little in everyday life is acceptable (not to mention expected).

How to fix something that someone else broke?

After 2 months of hiatus from attending weddings every weekend (yes, I attend weddings every weekend - that's my favourite past time. And because in Islam its our kewajipan to another Muslim. I'll list it down below), I was super excited to attend a White Wedding in Teratak Murni!

Achik Kerry got married (ehem!) to his wife Kak Ammilia on Saturday the 8th of April. And because this is not the first marriage for the pair, they decided to have small, simple, sempoi minum petang (tea time reception) the next day on the 9th.

Though I was informed that there's not much to be done since its not exactly a reception, I did come back a day earlier. Hey, it's a wedding - of course there's something to be done. And being a close knit family like we are - too many surprises!

• Toto & Neni prepared 100pcs doorgift for the guests. I bought Ferrero Rocher in Langkawi as requested by Toto and simply passed it to Achik in Langkawi for him to bring back to KL . (The groom didn't even know it was meant for his wedding)
• Ya & Ayaq bought 2 cakes for the occasion and Kak Aisha also bought one, we only found out about all these cakes through WhatsApp conversation when the groom requested for an anniversary cake for Toto & Neni and a joined birthday cake for April babies.
• Tantiey & Along decided to decorate the wakaf and arch for photo taking purposes, and Tantiey being the super crafty person that she is - even created pinata filled with chocs for the kids.
• There was a lottttt of plastic and tissue flowers required for the deco and I am not at all a DIY person - but I helped.

The morning of the wedding, we were all still preparing for the makan-makan later and did not change until 30minutes before the event. But my my my, it was soooooo lovely seeing all of us in white and light tones - a merry gathering in the rain.

   

YES, it poured! But didn't stop anybody from enjoying the time. I loveeee family time. 

To Achik, may this marriage last until the end of time. You already know how I feel about you finally having a family of your own. Indescribable feeling. What more you, who's been wanting it for so long.

Kak Ammilia and sons - Azriff & Ayden, welcome to the family! You guys complete Achik. I am happy for you as much as I am for him. Good luck raising 3 boys Kak Amy!

Footnote: as mentioned earlier, here's the list of  duties/obligations of one Muslim to another

1. To give and receive the greeting of peace - Assalammualaikum
2. To respond to invitations - thus the reason I am always attending weddings
3. To advise when asked - give beneficial opinion, one you would like to hear yourself
4. to pray for well-being of one who sneezed - you've heard before when someone says Bless You. Same concept.
5. To visit one who is ailing - the best of the righteous deeds, to ease their worries.
6. To attend his/her funeral - it is obligatory.